Childcare Cancelled - AIBU?

[MellowShirly]

I wfh part time. I'm basically on the phone all the time and can't move away from my screen that much. This week, I arranged for a friend to sit in for my child for two half-days. Today and tomorrow. In return, I was going to help her out with something next week. She also has a little boy the same age. I dropped DS off this morning, only to learn that tomorrow wouldn't work for her because her DS would rather have a play date with a different child, and it was the only day this other child could do it. So, now I'm left with no childcare for tomorrow. I will make other arrangements if I can, but I do feel a bit upset. It's not that I think she owes me or anything like that. Nor that her son shouldn't have the opportunity to play with other children. But it was very short notice. We try to help each other out as much as we can. And I hope I do as much for her as she does for me, and that I'm not taking the piss. My DS will be going on a trip for a few days on Wednesday with my family. I should have tried to get some extra holiday to cover half term, but I left it too late, and I'm now in a bit of a mess. AIBU to be a bit upset about this? She usually helps me a lot, but I try to do the same in return. Maybe I'm being a bit sensitive.

What was your reply when she said that? Didn't you say that's not acceptable, I can't work if you let me down with this short notice? Not much of a friend, is she?

You can’t say that. You don’t want someone taking your child when they don’t really want to 🤦🏻‍♀️

Well that would be one way to completely lose the friendship.

I think it's very poor of her to have let you down at short notice, but I'd like to know what other favours equate to childcare 2-3 times a month.

Did she know it was so you can work or did she think it was just a play date?

If she’s such a good friend then I’d absolutely let her know how disruptive it was for her to let you down at the last minute.

I would definitely get proper childcare in place as I’ve heard of too many people falling out over things like this.

Someone letting me down at the last minute with a rubbish reason would be losing my friendship anyway (obviously if it was a genunie reason, I'd understand).

I'm a single mother with no family nearby, so it's not always easy.

Guess that explains it.

Well I guess the friend feels fed up of the childcare arrangement. Not sure how old the children are (other than not toddlers) and maybe the friends child has said something about do we have to see Fred again. It might even be that their child was the one to initiate a playdate with another child and if tomorrow was the only day they could do, then the friend had to make a choice over babysitting Fred again or going with something her own son wanted.
This is why it is not a good idea to use friends for childcare on a regular basis.

I’m sorry you are in a bind, but I think she (or her son) has had enough and she doesn’t know how to tell you. I really wouldn’t lose a good friendship over it. Chalk it up to experience.

I only have one friend, and I have a very large family so stretched very thin. I'd never do this to them.
I'd say so and so is also having a play tomorrow, or after this week we need to change our arrangements. If she is that close a friend, she'd have said something. She wouldn't have left you in the lurch with work. Night out or something cancellable fair enough but work is always an essential to cover. She didn't need to pull out like that if your good friends.
You have been asking a lot of her with childcare but from your updates you are genuinely understanding why it needs to change now, that your children may be less interested in each other or it's too much for her etc. so if you can come across like that on a forum where nobody knows you and you could of been arsed about it - I doubt ahe couldn't have said something in more reasonable timing.

I think she's been really unfair.

Fine to want to stop a childcare arrangement, but not at 24 hours notice unless something serious has happened.

I wouldn’t use her for childcare again, and don’t do it for her DC either. She’s too unreliable.
Hopefully you can make alternative arrangements for tomorrow - worst case scenario call in sick

Perhaps she feels like she wants to babysit less for you? Bad way for her to go about it but I would be backing away from asking her

Thank you, everyone. I think most of you are in agreement here, and it's helped me put things in perspective. I have probably been counting on her too much. I can't say exactly what I do to help her, as it might be outing, and I wouldn't want her to see this and get upset, since she is a good friend. I do try to be careful about that kind of thing, though, and always have it in mind to reciprocate to an equal value. But maybe she or her son is just a bit fed up, which is fair enough.

The father isn't in the picture at all and never has been. My nearest family is over 100 miles away.

The kids are nine.

I'm going to look into other options and try to organise my time better. Things are tough with my job. It's not a permanent contract, and so I don't get sick days. They want two months' notice for time off, and I just didn't sort it out fast enough. It's only one day. He'll have to get some reading done and watch a film or something while I'm working. It's not the end of the world.

Thank you all so much for your input!

She should have jet you known before today. That’s poor manners.

Well done on the mature response OP. A good time to reboot how you handle childcare.

Your 9 year old will be fine entertaining himself for one day whilst you work.

meh. I would say, the day before "oh sorry, i am busy" and let her work it out.

otherwise she will never learn.

I don't think she would be bothered. It doesn't sound like she needs childcare and rather the OP offers to do something professional to compensate for her friend looking after her child (hair, nails maybe?). The friend wouldn't be in the same bind as it doesn't sound like it's a reciprocal arrangement based around work, and as others have said would just be petty. The OP sounds sensible about it all and is quite understanding of why her friend might have let her down last minute and has acknowledged not to rely on then again.

Hi OP I sympathise with your situation and I do think this is the best plan of action. I work out the childcare cost for the year (even if it's just holiday cover) and divide it monthly and treat it like a bill as such. Makes it a bit more affordable rather than paying short notice for a week of care. Good luck 🍀

Did your friend know you needed this specifically for childcare so you could work and had no other options or alternatives that this short notice?

If so, then she’s sending you a clear message, and she’s showing you that your asking too much, her child needs to come first and she isn’t viable option for child care.

You haven't done anything wrong and your friend shouldn't have let you down at the last minute like she did. You are, however, right to have looked at the big picture and decided to sort out your childcare issues going forward. Things and relationships change over time as you've noticed. I hope you find something your child will enjoy and you can make work. x

Yanbu and she could have your child and do something with them, even if her child was with another child on a play date

I would not let down a friend like that, especially when it’s regarding work.

I suppose the unfortunate lesson is you can’t rely on anyone.

I thought you would say your child is 5 or 6. At 9, he would be fine for a few hours with you in the house working surely (unless disabilities you haven't mentioned)? Just set him up with a drink, some snacks, the tv/a film, video games, books, toys. A 9 year old will be able to entertain themselves for a few hours.

While I still think your friend was wrong to pull out at short notice, I do think the kids being older makes a difference. It's not that you can't work from home for half a day with your child, its more its just nicer for your child to be entertained elsewhere. Your friend letting you down isn't actually going to stop you from working.

Yes, he'll cope. He's a bit young for his age, to be honest, but with snacks, drinks, a snuggly blanket, and a couple of films, he'll be fine. He's a noisy bugger, that's the only problem. We'll survive. I've started trying to sort out Easter by blocking hours, so I've only got a couple of hours a day. It's probably a good thing that it's happened today. I've got time to get sorted now.

I know it’s a bit too late for you to say to her, but I can’t see why your child can’t just go with her on the play date? She could’ve just said I’ve arranged to meet up with one of his friends so we’re all gonna go there for a few hours. My friend once had my three-year-old for the afternoon because we’ve been broken into and had to sort the house out a bit. She’d arranged a play date at her house so there were three kids and two adults and it was absolutely fine. Honestly can’t see why your child has to be excluded due to a play date .

I know you won’t want to damage the friendship. But you need to say somehow that the short notice was very unhelpful. Otherwise you might become resentful.

YANBU. I had a reciprocal arrangement with another mum for a while and I wouldn't have dreamt of cancelling at such short notice for anything other than illness.

I don't like working from home with my kid around as I feel it's unfair to her but sometimes needs must. She's 10 and is really good about it - your kid will be getting to the age too where he should be fine to entertain himself for a while now and then.