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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

0 effort on valentines day

69 replies

KHMum123 · 16/02/2026 09:29

I have been with my partner for 14 years and we have 1 child together, I'm currently 26 weeks pregnant with my second.
I never ask for much, if anything quite honestly - I'm the breadwinner - I full time work whilst being the primary cook and we share the bedtimes. Wr have just moved into a lovely big home which i paid all the fees for.
Valentines day we have never done tonnes but atleast get a card and some chocolate.. this year..absolutely nothing. A card arrived on the 15th (which has obviously been panic bought online with next day delivery). Am I being unreasonable to be completely disappointed? It's the complete lack of any thought that has upset me when I so so much for the family.
I brought this up and all I got back was how he can't ever meet my standards and I'm always trying to change him.
He is a great dad but when it comes to being a partner it feels like he has become completely complacent and lazy to be honest. I have been very upset ever since.

My birthday is soon too and I specifically asked (as he asked me to give him inspo) for s particular jumper (it's £30) or some crocs which I've been hinting at for 14 months. After an argument yesterday I asked if he remembers what I asked for..to which he said no. My birthday is in 2 days 🙃

OP posts:
Moonnstarz · 16/02/2026 09:34

Normally I would said YABU but as you have specially told him how you want to celebrate and what you want for your birthday then he is definitely inconsiderate and takes you for granted. What you do about this though is up to you as telling him this clearly has no effect.

CanIRetirePlease · 16/02/2026 09:34

yanbu. He has known you for 14 years- by now he should know that it is important to you to mark these events with a small gift, an offer to cook dinner, organise a date night - any kind of effort.

Especially when you are carrying his child and you have specifically told him you want a gift for your birthday - to have forgotten and done nothing is appalling

why are you doing all the cooking and being the breadwinner?

the phrase cocklodger comes to mind

Cosyblankets · 16/02/2026 09:35

How someone is day to day would be way more important to me than valentine card etc. Are you trying to change him? Was he ever into that kind of thing?

Macadamian · 16/02/2026 09:42

I would forget about valentine's day and birthdays, even though they are important to you, and focus on what actually matters, which is your day to day life.

If you work the same number of hours (inc commuting) do you both put in equal effort in terms of housework, life admin, and childcare? And do you get equal free time/hobby time? If not, why not?

Does he treat you with love and respect in general, and do you do the same for him?

Is your financial split fair?

Shoxfordian · 16/02/2026 09:44

It sounds like he's checked out, complacent, doesn't make any effort. Tell him its not good enough

OriginalUsername2 · 16/02/2026 09:50

I brought this up and all I got back was how he can't ever meet my standards and I'm always trying to change him.

That’s a pathetic response. It’s not exactly an impossible standard to meet. If there’s a special day, buy a thoughtful present in time. It’s not that hard! Most human beings manage this throughout the year for partners, friends and family 🙄

Avie29 · 16/02/2026 09:52

I didn’t get anything for valentines either but i don’t care tbh, its just another day imo, i think mothers day and birthdays etc are much more important.

ilovesooty · 16/02/2026 09:55

OriginalUsername2 · 16/02/2026 09:50

I brought this up and all I got back was how he can't ever meet my standards and I'm always trying to change him.

That’s a pathetic response. It’s not exactly an impossible standard to meet. If there’s a special day, buy a thoughtful present in time. It’s not that hard! Most human beings manage this throughout the year for partners, friends and family 🙄

I think it's an interesting response and might be worth reflecting on.

Junegirl15 · 16/02/2026 10:00

I would be upset too. It does not sound like you ask for much. It does feel like he has no interest in thinking about what you want/what would make you happy. A pair of crocs for your birthday after 14 months of raising this is really not a lot to ask. Think you need to explain how this lack of regard for you makes you feel. To me it is part of being married/having a partner - what would this person like? What would show them I love them? How can I show them I care. And what would make you happy seems v simple things that are inexpensive.

Ablondiebutagoody · 16/02/2026 10:02

What did you do for Valentines Day?

OriginalUsername2 · 16/02/2026 10:05

ilovesooty · 16/02/2026 09:55

I think it's an interesting response and might be worth reflecting on.

Show quote history

Nah, it’s a typical shit man response imo. Putting the blame on his partner rather than apologising.

halfpastten · 16/02/2026 10:14

It doesn't sound good. But another thing that stood out from you message was "I paid all the fees." (For the move into our lovely big home). After 14 years do you not have a joint account and pooled funds. Are you keeping score and pointing it out at times? Sounds like resentment has built up, in one or both of you. Maybe anxiety about money as well if the new house is a stretch. You don't say to what extent he is working and making efforts to pull his weight more generally. If his self worth has taken a battering due to the current job market and economy. Are those issues? I wish you well OP. Take a breath, look beyond the card to what the real issue is. Communicate. It's never the small thing, thats just a signal.

Theunamedcat · 16/02/2026 10:17

KHMum123 · 16/02/2026 09:29

I have been with my partner for 14 years and we have 1 child together, I'm currently 26 weeks pregnant with my second.
I never ask for much, if anything quite honestly - I'm the breadwinner - I full time work whilst being the primary cook and we share the bedtimes. Wr have just moved into a lovely big home which i paid all the fees for.
Valentines day we have never done tonnes but atleast get a card and some chocolate.. this year..absolutely nothing. A card arrived on the 15th (which has obviously been panic bought online with next day delivery). Am I being unreasonable to be completely disappointed? It's the complete lack of any thought that has upset me when I so so much for the family.
I brought this up and all I got back was how he can't ever meet my standards and I'm always trying to change him.
He is a great dad but when it comes to being a partner it feels like he has become completely complacent and lazy to be honest. I have been very upset ever since.

My birthday is soon too and I specifically asked (as he asked me to give him inspo) for s particular jumper (it's £30) or some crocs which I've been hinting at for 14 months. After an argument yesterday I asked if he remembers what I asked for..to which he said no. My birthday is in 2 days 🙃

Partner? So not married?

aBuffetofunreasonableness · 16/02/2026 10:17

What do you get from having this boyfriend around? Putting his kid to bed occasionally and fighting with you doesn't seem like a worthwhile relationship.

pinotnow · 16/02/2026 10:19

I don't think you're being UR as such and I think his response is unpleasant, but it also sounds quite transactional. Why do you start with pointing out that you're the breadwinner? Are you resentful about that? Is he in a career that happens to pay less than yours or is he workshy? I feel it's about more than these occasions and his reply, while I don't like it on the face of it, could imply that too.

I also find it odd adults asking/telling other adults to buy them things like crocs/jumpers for their birthdays when presumably they could just buy them themselves. How would he be proving himself thoughtful by just clicking on a link and buying what you told him to? I would prefer to either speak to him and say you expect a bit of thought and a personal gift or gesture from him on special days (while buying your own stuff as and when and within your family budget) or just accept he's not that way inclined and if he's otherwise a good partner accept that and live your life.

ilovesooty · 16/02/2026 10:19

OriginalUsername2 · 16/02/2026 10:05

Nah, it’s a typical shit man response imo. Putting the blame on his partner rather than apologising.

Show quote history

I think we'll just have to accept that our interpretation differs here.

Bunnyotter1896 · 16/02/2026 10:24

Hmmm. See your point.
However you are a team. What has what you earn or who paid what for the house got to do with a valentines card and chocolates?
You have an I do all this for the family therefore i am owed attitude. That is always going to led to you feeling disappointed.
I used to be the main breadwinner. Now dh is. Our money has always been our money.
Isnt the point of a marriage/relationship thats its teamwork. You both built the life, family and house you have together. Making joint fanatical decisions.
Our love languages are all different. I could not care less about a valentines card or chocolates but talk with me, laugh with me, make hard decisions with me and i will feel loved. I will buy myself what i want (within reason obviously) and with joint money. I dont need him to do that to feel loved.

I do get that in an ideal world he would listen and get it. But if you trust him. And know that he would be there for you when you needed I would just have a quick moan about the lack of gifts and move on.

Life is short. The kids childhood is short. Its not worth it if you love each other crocs jumper and chocolates are not worth an arguement.

callmeLoretta1 · 16/02/2026 10:32

I think you are being unreasonable, not because I think valentines day is for kids and teenagers which I do, but because men don't think like us women do. They don't place as much importance on all that performative romantic stuff. Most just want a simple life. You've been together for 14 years, just stop needing him to perform like that every year. Do you really need a card and chocolate every single year? I could understand maybe if you were a teenager or just together, but I think it's a bit silly being into Valentines day at your stage of relationship. It's all a bit silly and childish isn't it really.

Whatafustercluck · 16/02/2026 10:35

Valentine's day is neither here nor there really. What's he like with you otherwise? I mean, other than not buying gifts. Does he compliment you, make you feel good about yourself? Does he pull his weight with housework/ childcare (other than not cooking)? Does he do random acts of thoughtfulness?

If the answer to the above is 'yes' then cut him some slack - he shows you he loves you on a daily basis. If it's no, then yanbu. If it's no, and you're not married with one kid and another on the way, that's a precarious position to be in.

JHound · 16/02/2026 10:36

I personally don't see how somebody who is so dismissive of their partner's needs, and models this behaviour to their children is a 'good dad'.

Sounds like he views you as locked in so he no longer needs to try and make any effort.

You have clearly communicated what you want / need from him and he can't be arsed because he does not think you're worth the effort.

Nevermind17 · 16/02/2026 10:37

I think we focus on ‘special’ days when our relationships aren’t great. I’m not bothered about Valentine’s Day because DH makes me feel special every day. But in past relationships I’ve got really hung up on Valentine’s Day and birthdays because I’ve felt unimportant generally, so to not even have them make an effort on the one day a year that they should is very upsetting. Like you’re not even worth a single day a year.

Original poster
KHMum123 · 16/02/2026 10:37

@Ablondiebutagoody I got him a card and some chocolate and cooked him breakfast.

OP posts:
JHound · 16/02/2026 10:38

callmeLoretta1 · 16/02/2026 10:32

I think you are being unreasonable, not because I think valentines day is for kids and teenagers which I do, but because men don't think like us women do. They don't place as much importance on all that performative romantic stuff. Most just want a simple life. You've been together for 14 years, just stop needing him to perform like that every year. Do you really need a card and chocolate every single year? I could understand maybe if you were a teenager or just together, but I think it's a bit silly being into Valentines day at your stage of relationship. It's all a bit silly and childish isn't it really.

Edited

The bar....is in hell.

pinotnow · 16/02/2026 10:39

If it's no, and you're not married with one kid and another on the way, that's a precarious position to be in.

Not really as she's the breadwinner. If he's genuinely a shit partner it's a good thing for her that they're not married.

Original poster
KHMum123 · 16/02/2026 10:43

@pinotnow he asked for what i wanted, which is why I mentioned the jumper and crocs - obviously I could just buy my own but it's the fact he asked and subsequently hasn't bought either.

I mention the money to show how much I put in, with not even a card in return. I accept i make more i always have done but to not buy a card on valentines day to me seems bizarre. Card aside, even letting me sleep in or something I would've been appreciative of.

And yeah I am resentful when I get little in return tbh.

OP posts: