0 effort on valentines day

[KHMum123]

I have been with my partner for 14 years and we have 1 child together, I'm currently 26 weeks pregnant with my second.
I never ask for much, if anything quite honestly - I'm the breadwinner - I full time work whilst being the primary cook and we share the bedtimes. Wr have just moved into a lovely big home which i paid all the fees for.
Valentines day we have never done tonnes but atleast get a card and some chocolate.. this year..absolutely nothing. A card arrived on the 15th (which has obviously been panic bought online with next day delivery). Am I being unreasonable to be completely disappointed? It's the complete lack of any thought that has upset me when I so so much for the family.
I brought this up and all I got back was how he can't ever meet my standards and I'm always trying to change him.
He is a great dad but when it comes to being a partner it feels like he has become completely complacent and lazy to be honest. I have been very upset ever since.

My birthday is soon too and I specifically asked (as he asked me to give him inspo) for s particular jumper (it's £30) or some crocs which I've been hinting at for 14 months. After an argument yesterday I asked if he remembers what I asked for..to which he said no. My birthday is in 2 days 🙃

@DaisyChain505 thanks they are often ripped to shreds as they think they can earn and then do whatever they want in their spare time without helping out.
Me mentioning earning more is to stress that I carry alot of the load financially, so a card in return would've been nice.

NM

but you aren't OP. So what use is that comment?

If he knows that his inaction hurts and upsets his wife he should make the effort. Even if he thinks Valentine's is load of nonsense he should consider his wife's feelings. Saying men are simple is just making an excuse for very poor behaviour.

There are plenty of women who don’t get a gift/card from their OH on valentines, its not a big deal, i don’t know why people put so much pressure on themselves/their partners to step up when there are more important occasions to step up for.

@INeedAnotherName I do the laundry, tidy the house, sort the bills admin, sort any school events, arrange the social things with our friends. I will say in balance he's got alot better with housework but for years it was me so I'm probably quick to have a go when the ball drops because I'm nervous it'll go back to how it was.

The point is that it mattered to you and he knew it did, yet still did nothing.

Same with the birthday present. If DH or I say we want a particular gift for our birthday, the other one buys it straight away so we don't forget.

DH was never big on this stuff when we got together, but, he knows it’s important to me, so he makes the effort. Surely this is part of being a couple, doing things that make the other person happy.

He sounds lame and unattractive.

Does your DH work full time too?

@MinnieMountain thankyou! X

@Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself he does work full time in a labour intensive job (landscape Gardener) to be fair on him x

I earn more than my husband but it wouldn’t even occur to me to use it as justification of point it out , never mind as much as you did. It’s all I paid rather than we paid. Which makes me wonder if there isn’t a deeper issue here in terms of you liking to remind him.

it took you quite a few posts to even admit he worked, and in a labour intensive role, you were so focused on how much you pay and do.

So what does he actually add to your life? List it out rather than say he's better now.

How is he a good dad? List it out. You might be surprised to find he's just another borderline dad rather than good or great.

How did he deal with Christmas? Decent and thoughtful presents? Cooking? Sharing in the thinking, sourcing, buying of presents including his and your families? List it out.

Only by making bullet points can you see the reality amongst all the chaff. You don't have to list it here but please do it at home. I suspect it's a lot worse than you think.

Because you make excuses for lazy men who cannot be bothered to make effort for one day a year that is important to their partner by saying “well that’s just how men are”.

While there are men up and down the country actually making an effort to do something that makes their partner happy because it matters to their partner. And don’t make excuses because they happen to have a penis.

I repeat, the bar, specifically your bar, is in hell.

Exactly this!

@Frenchfrychic I didn't realise a post about wanting to get a valentines day card required his CV 😂

I'm not making excuses for men at all, I am pointing out that needy and high maintenance women (talking in general now as OP denies she is) aren't ideal. As I said I think it's your bar that is in hell, not mine. If your bar for a secure relationship is buying a card and chocolates for some childish day, then that's sad. Relationships shouldn't need that.

And, the OP admits there are areas of her relationship that are in trouble, backing up the theory of a PP who said those who go on about Valentines day usually are the one in insecure relationships. The bar needs to be higher than just a card and chocolates on one day per year.

@callmeLoretta1 the passive aggressive comments are just annoying now. I'm not claiming I'm perfect but wanting a card doesn't make this an insecure relationship or me high maintenance. Millions of people celebrate valentines day and they are well into their 80s so making out like it's a day for 14 year olds is misplaced and incorrect. Just because you are not fussed by it doesn't mean you can go insulting people that are. Odd behaviour.

If you were happy with your DH day to day, Valentine’s Day wouldn’t be a big deal because he’d be showing up every day of the year.

You need to have some honest conversations with him about whah you’re not happy with and whah you need from him.