0 effort on valentines day

[KHMum123]

I have been with my partner for 14 years and we have 1 child together, I'm currently 26 weeks pregnant with my second.
I never ask for much, if anything quite honestly - I'm the breadwinner - I full time work whilst being the primary cook and we share the bedtimes. Wr have just moved into a lovely big home which i paid all the fees for.
Valentines day we have never done tonnes but atleast get a card and some chocolate.. this year..absolutely nothing. A card arrived on the 15th (which has obviously been panic bought online with next day delivery). Am I being unreasonable to be completely disappointed? It's the complete lack of any thought that has upset me when I so so much for the family.
I brought this up and all I got back was how he can't ever meet my standards and I'm always trying to change him.
He is a great dad but when it comes to being a partner it feels like he has become completely complacent and lazy to be honest. I have been very upset ever since.

My birthday is soon too and I specifically asked (as he asked me to give him inspo) for s particular jumper (it's £30) or some crocs which I've been hinting at for 14 months. After an argument yesterday I asked if he remembers what I asked for..to which he said no. My birthday is in 2 days 🙃

@JHound hahaha this tickled me

So you’ve been together 14 years and a second child is on the way? You are the breadwinner and general cook and bottlewasher? He does half the bedtime routine for one child and is a shit partner when it comes to gifts.

I vote YABU because your bar is so low. What did you think? That he was going to do the Richard Gere Pretty Woman end scene for Valentines Day? No, he is an already used to you providing everything and doing everything like you’re his mum. He sounds like a thoughtless selfish dipstick. Why would he suddenly change?

She's the breadwinner at the moment. Things can change, particularly with two children.

Her income will drop due to mat leave no reason why it wont go back up afterwards

Hi op.

Firstly, you won't get much sympathy on here as mumsnet seems to have major beef with valentines day.

For perspective, I think most people, regardless of how they view valentines day, if they knew their partner really appreciated a token gift or card for the day, would get them something. Its what they like to call bear minimum.

But I dont think this is the main problem, as others have mentioned. You sound resentful, he sounds hen pecked. If you want to work on the relationship, I suggest you talk to each other properly and with respect.

My first thought when he saod about the birthday present was that hes just sulking but really has bought you what you wanted.

What a sad outlook. We have been married 36 years. We are still into Valentine’s Day. And make a big thing of our wedding anniversary. We have no children and no surviving parents, so Mothers//Fathers Days aren’t a thing for us.

And she'll need to pay twice the childcare, so hopefully she'll choose to continue working full time. Unless the child has a disability of course and she/ her partner are forced to give up work. Circumstances can change - permanently - for reasons outside of her control. Plus, other than her being the breadwinner, we have zero knowledge of their other financial arrangements. He could have inherited money and have the house in his name for all we know.

Yes, I answer as someone who was the breadwinner in my relationship and then got divorced. I was always going to be the breadwinner as ex had no career at all to speak of, regardless my my maternity leaves. OP hasn't clarified what her partner does so who knows whether he has the potential to overtake her in income at some point.

Why? Because I think Valentines day is childish and for kids/teenagers? Or because I understand men aren't as into the performative romantic stuff like women are (it's also why most men don't get involved in intricate details of their wedding day, women usually plan that stuff)? I think if you need a card and chocolate every single year on Valentines day for him to prove himself to you, you're general bar is quite low.

If he does it because OP expects him to, he probably finds it quite a chore. It's not natural when it's expected. Most men don't want to have to do it but do it because their wife expects it and to say 'can we skip it this year' is too much drama.

Not a sad outlook at all. On the contrary. We're secure in our relationship. I don't need my husband to perform like that every single year. I think it's sad that someone needs this, in order to feel secure and happy.

I brought this up and all I got back was how he can't ever meet my standards and I'm always trying to change him.

Is that true?
Think about it hard. Is it true?

It is a big mistake to try and change a man - he won't change.
Trying to cajole or train or nag a man into raising his standards just kills the relationship stone dead.

So, if he doesn't meet your standards there are only two things you can do:

A - decide to put up with his low standards for the rest of your life because you are so in love with him and he is worth it
or
B - dump him.

If you go for B, start a new thread about how to end it, practically and emotionally. You will get tons of helpful advice on this site.

Yup. He's feeling pressured.

I can’t believe anyone over the age of 14 gives a shit about Valentines Day.

It’s not about one partner performing for the other. We both enjoy it.

Completely agree. But because we're adults and secure in our relationships our 'bar is in hell'. If you're not high maintenance you're 'sad' apparently.

I don't care how he is feeling.
It is about whether the OP realises she is on a hiding to nothing trying to change a waste-of-space man into someone acceptable for her.
Whether she wants to make do with him, or dump him.

He's a "waste of space" because he forgot to get a card for Valentines day? I know I mentioned high maintenance but this is irrational.

If it was literally just the Valentine's day card, he would not have said anything about "how he can't ever meet my standards and I'm always trying to change him."
That tells us there is a big back story in the relationship.

True. But how does that make him the villain, and not her? It's obvious she is putting a lot of pressure on him and perhaps she's the 'waste of space' (not really) for being high maintenance, needy and demanding?

all I got back was how he can't ever meet my standards and I'm always trying to change him.
Look up DARVO. It's textbook as he said the above to deflect you away from how he's treating you.

One can be a great dad (is he really though?) and a bad partner which just means that now would be a good time to split before you get bogged down in a two-child life. He can still parent from another house if he chooses to. But the big question is - how is he away from big celebration days? How was he at Christmas regarding you?

Another question - if you both work and he puts baby to bed sometimes, who does the majority of the household chores?

And that is precisely why I asked the OP to think hard about what was true.
This is what I said:
Is that true?
Think about it hard. Is it true?
It is a big mistake to try and change a man - he won't change.
Trying to cajole or train or nag a man into raising his standards just kills the relationship stone dead.

Standards are relative. It is about whether the OP wants to put up with a man who doesn't meet hers (i.e. compared to her standards he is a waste of space), to change her standards and accept his lower ones, or to dump him.

It is not about whether he is the villain. It is not about him at all.
I am merely centring the OP and her perspective.

@Whatafustercluck haha I can assure you no inheritance. I've worked hard up the career ladder and have managed to save/put a deposit down and make a good profit to allow us to buy a bigger house. I will most likely always be the full time worker unless something drastic changes.

@callmeLoretta1 if I'm high maintenance and needy for wanting a valentines day card then hell fire 😂 you seem to be the main one gunning for me - which is fine it's why I put this post up. What i will say though is I've come from nothing and worked my way up, and carried us both along for that journey. Yes I mention money, because I've helped him alot over the years - wanting to be thought of for 1 or 2 days in the year because of that personally don't think is high maintenance. But your perspective is interesting none the less.

You being the higher earner has got nothing to do with it, I assume your partner also works full time? It’s irrelevant that he brings in less money to the family because he’s still putting in the same work hours.

Men who write on here and make it known they’re the higher earner are absolutely torn apart so it should work both ways.

The issue here isn’t Valentine’s Day, it’s the fact he’s not putting the effort into your relationship on a day to day basis.

@JustGiveMeTheNoodles thankyou a fair comment :) I think resentment has built over the years and just wanting to be heard has probably made him feel i get at him alot.
Will have to think about how to resolve from both sides.