Public tantrum - comments

[HeyGoat]

NC for this. Feeling very upset and overwhelmed so want to know thoughts (as I’m sure it’ll happen again!)

My DS has just turned 3. He’s a lovely sensitive little soul. Yesterday we went to a playtime session held in a local venue where they have blocks and toys to play with and he usually loved it. However, someone took his tower that he was building (the other parent did nothing) and my DS started crying quite loudly.

I took him away from the other kids, tried to calm him down but he was shouting and crying. He eventually (within at least 3-4 mins) did stop and was happy to continue.

However, a member of staff from the venue came up to us saying how loud DS was and that she could hear him from outside. I kindly said he wasn’t very happy but now is, and that it is normal for kids to cry.

Since then I’ve felt so so so judged. Those moments are tough as parents and I already knew everyone was looking at me and DS but I did my best to diffuse the situation. But I feel so bad that a random member of the public needed to comment.

should I have done something differently?

Well maybe that’s why it’s hit a nerve this time. Shy isn’t perceived as a bad thing usually, being loud/tantrums are perceived as naughty by some people. Let it roll off your back, he’s a normal three year old with normal behaviour, the woman doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

You’ve summed it up perfectly. Usually the comments are more of concern eg why doesn’t he talk, why is he so afraid etc.

This. Three year olds scrap with each other, throw massive tantrums, embarrass their parents, and are a nightmare. 😂

It passes.

Oh don't worry about mad old bats judging. I have 3 DC. One of them once bolted in a busy shopping centre. I had to run after him and tackle him to the ground while he wailed loudly and struggled to get free. There was really nothing to do except to sort of scoot out of the main path of people and hold him until he calmed down and stopped screaming. An older woman decided it would be helpful to stop nearby, shake her head, tut, and say "Unbelievable!" Luckily I wasn't upset by this as I knew that I was already handling it in the best way and I assume that she probably thought I ought to have smacked him or something, which I wasn't prepared to do and obviously didn't need to do, as he did calm down after a few more minutes.

He is now 7 and no longer has tantrums in shopping centres or at least he hasn't for a while. He has ADHD and possibly autism so he does still have tantrums (well, meltdowns) but much less often now.

My approach to public judgement these days is to make the assumption that whatever they think I should be doing probably isn't something I'd consider very good advice anyway, this makes it much easier for it not to bother you so much. And most people are kind or at the very least they are simply thinking it's none of their business. I try to give a kind word if I pass a parent dealing with a stressful moment. Another thing that can help with perspective is that often people don't have the full context, e.g. sometimes if somebody doesn't have children themselves, they don't know necessarily what is realistic or appropriate. So they might comment that your child is loud but realistically, what can you do to stop them being loud? They don't come with a volume control. But if someone doesn't have children, they might not know that children are sometimes loud and you can't do anything about it. Or with my DS they might look at him and think he's too old to be throwing a tantrum, but not realise that he's actually overwhelmed and is having a meltdown.

Don't stress. As long as you're happy with the way you're handling things, you can't please everybody else in the world.

I’d have told her to fuck off

This sounds like normal toddler times.
sorry a judgey a-hole did that to you

I don’t blame him for being upset, if he was building his tower and another kid took it.

The parent should have intervened. And INO it’s ok to say to another kid ‘Ds is playing with that would you like this / wait for him to finish?’

We expect our children just to ‘share’ without upset. Adults aren’t expected to just have a library book taken off them if they are reading in the library, or headphones snatched if listening to the commentary in a museum.

Anyway, you did nothing wrong, Just get on with being the best parent you can on any given moment, with confidence.

I’m surprised any adult would be shocked at a toddler having a tantrum to be honest😂

The only thing I’d have done differently is intervene to stop the other child from snatching/taking it in the first place. I try really hard to teach my toddler to share/take turns etc, if another parent isn’t prepared to do that then okay BUT I’m not going to let their child snatch/take from mine.

I'd be inclined to enter a complaint in that case. She's blatantly in the wrong job if she thinks a crying child in a venue like that is in any way unusual.

I agree. It was within a split second he ran and knocked the blocks and took them!

Blocks! They are an unending cause of conflict in these play places. My grandchildren have been both victims and perpetrators. However it does take a split second for havoc to ensue. Much more than with normal toy tussles.

YES! I often remind the preschoolers I work with that sharing doesn't mean having to let both use the toy at the same time, but rather allowing others to have a turn.

DGD has ADHD (we think) and used to have epic meltdowns at that age. In the scenario you mention she would probably have run after the other kid, grabbed the blocks back again and whacked them over the head with them for good measure (with me in hot pursuit!) all whilst screaming the place down. So I don't think what you or your DS did was bad at all OP. I would guess the member of staff either didn't have DC or was suffering from selective memory loss.

You can't always avoid them, unfortunately. I guess with mine I always took them out of the venue to calm down, because it sometimes helps with "out of sight, out of mind". But it's a play area for preschoolers, what do they expect?

Toddlers gonna toddler. They do dumb stuff, naughty stuff, test boundaries, upset each other, cry, then they get over it. A lot of parents take it all far too seriously these days and get offended over tiny wee bairns just doing what they do. You can't control those types of parents, only how you react to them.

This boils my pee. Why should a child who is engrossed in what they are doing have to stop and share because some unruly brat decided they want what you son had. I utterly hate it when children have to ' give up what they are doing ' under the guise of sharing . We as adults don't take things from other adults. Sharing is very overated.