Public tantrum - comments

[HeyGoat]

NC for this. Feeling very upset and overwhelmed so want to know thoughts (as I’m sure it’ll happen again!)

My DS has just turned 3. He’s a lovely sensitive little soul. Yesterday we went to a playtime session held in a local venue where they have blocks and toys to play with and he usually loved it. However, someone took his tower that he was building (the other parent did nothing) and my DS started crying quite loudly.

I took him away from the other kids, tried to calm him down but he was shouting and crying. He eventually (within at least 3-4 mins) did stop and was happy to continue.

However, a member of staff from the venue came up to us saying how loud DS was and that she could hear him from outside. I kindly said he wasn’t very happy but now is, and that it is normal for kids to cry.

Since then I’ve felt so so so judged. Those moments are tough as parents and I already knew everyone was looking at me and DS but I did my best to diffuse the situation. But I feel so bad that a random member of the public needed to comment.

should I have done something differently?

Middle finger?

Hang on a minute, they are holding some sort of child play event and complain when a toddler screams?! Next time ask them if they know where they are. Morons.

Part of me is thinking of complaining but I feel too humiliated to go there again. I should add we usually love it and the other staff are so lovely but sadly Friday was awful.

The staff member was wrong to make a comment.

But it's difficult to say from your description whether you and your child's reaction was reasonable or not. In a play group like this it's unavoidable that children will want the same toys at some point, I wouldn't let another child snatch something out of my kids hands, but I also wouldn't let me child hoard blocks for his tower. So it seems the shouting and loud crying was over the top.

Obviously when kids are tired etc they can overreact! Ultimately you did the right thing removing him from the situation, I'm just surprised it went that far.

He wasn’t hoarding blocks. He had them for a short amount of time. He is allowed to play…..

Thanks for saying my child’s reaction was OTT. That really cheered me up. Sigh.

I said it seemed OTT, I wasn't there.

But you're not describing a situation where the other child was repeatedly or violently taking your son's toys away. Yes, there is an expectation that he will share, and with blocks it's easy, you just get some more a bit further. So I am struggling to see how that led to a huge tantrum.

And yes my own kids are unreasonable at times, and have tantrum in public, and it's OTT. They are toddlers, it's normal.

The woman who spoke to you like that had no business doing so, what a horrible thing to do. I agree with pp that children do cry a they do have tantrums and it sounds like you were doing everything right for your son. So give yourself a parenting star ⭐️ and a treat, tell yourself that you weren’t wrong and neither was your son.

If you see that staff member again you would be justified in saying to her that her behaviour made you feel shamed and unhappy. She wasn’t part of the playgroup and she had no business saying anything to you. You don’t have to be rude or aggressive, just calm and cold, but she sounds like a bit of a bully and maybe should feel that hot prickle of embarrassment herself.

What else could you have done in the moment? Smothering children isn’t allowed, and there’s not much else you can do when someone is in full meltdown. It has to run its course. You could tell her that, too.

We’ve all been there. Ignore that person

He just turned 3 so everything I’ve read doesn’t seem to say he should share when someone smashes his tower on the floor then runs off with the blocks.

Thank you.

Not much you can do, but maybe have some flippant comments in your back pocket.

I'd have said something like "I know! Poor mite was absolutely devastated that his tower was knocked over!"

Or

"Good lungs, eh? We're thinking of sending him to opera"

The person was a tit for making a comment but it's entirely possible it wasn't meant badly.

To opera! That made me chuckle thank you!

My kids were both loud criers! I just put it down to them having lovely healthy lungs 😂

personally from what you describe, your DS behaved perfectly normally and you dealt with it well. You are overthinking and I completely understand that.

FWIW my fore-mentioned DS1 (the one who trantrummed next to the bus stop) is now 16. He is a gloriously lovely boy who has learned to self regulate his own emotions much better than either his dad and I have learned to regulate ours.

Don't sweat it, OP. The other parent was a bit shit. I have four kids and dgaf anymore and would have taken the blocks back from the other kid who was snatching if the parent wasn't going to do anything.

Woman who made comments is frankly bizarre. Kids make noise. That's where she works - surely she's used to it?! I can only think she had a headache or was having a bad day for some other reason - it's no reflection on you.

I don't think you should feel judged because I don't think she was judging you, she just commented on the noise.

Honestly op you need to toughen up. You’re hugely overreacting to a total non issue. Your kid doesn’t sound a “sensitive little soul” more than any other 3 year old. Kids throw tantrums, it won’t be his last. You’re even being sensitive to the teeeeniest bit of perceived criticism on here. Try and get a thicker skin, you’ve got a long few years of raising your kid ahead of you and overreacting to minor situations won’t help.

Just to add yes the woman’s comment was unnecessary and not helpful, but why are you taking it so personally. It’s a reflection on her attitude not your parenting. You handled the situation fine at the time, stop overthinking it.

It’d be a very unusual toddler who’s never had a tantrum in public!

They’re full of big emotions that they’re still learning how to handle, and it’s normal for them to have tantrums sometimes when they’re upset or overwhelmed. Mine certainly did. I imagine that most of the other parents were just glad that it wasn’t their child.

There’s not a lot you can do in the moment other than ride it out, and it sounds like you did a good job calming him down.
Easier said than done, but try to ignore the judgy staff member. Clearly she doesn’t have much experience with small children to be talking like that.

sounds as if you handled it perfectly. Staff member was a knob. My kids are adults now but I used to hate taking them to soft play etc because of the lack of supervision some parents gave to their pre school children, and the unacceptable behaviour that ensued from some of said children which went uncorrected/unchallenged because useless parent was too busy having a coffee with their friends and ignoring their very small children 😡

One of my DCs was a particularly loud screamer - he seemed to find an especially painful pitch and would escalate fast. I learned to scoop him up and take him outside - often the cooler air would snap him out of his tantrum and it meant I didn’t have to deal with people looking (or subject them to his screaming). It helped me stay calmer too.

I dont know how to deal with this and who is right or wrong. The toys in these areas don’t “belong” to anyone. However it is annoying when your child is playing happily and another child takes the toy and the parent ignores, pretends they didn’t see or bangs on about sharing. The building blocks issue is worse as not only do they “take” the blocks but they seem to be a magnet for other kids to kick over often devastatingly little builder. The whole sharing thing bemuses me. Say some stranger walked up and took your phone to play with, food from your plate or a book you were reading would you accept as it’s good to learn to share? Is the sharing only with communal stuff so it would be ok if someone took a book you were browsing in the library?
As for saying child too noisy how absurd. Children can be ear splitting when upset and it’s common in okay areas.

Thank you all. I need to toughen up. I’m used to comments about DS because he is very very shy. We suspected select mutism but it doesn’t seem to be the case. He usually doesn’t say anything around others, hides behind us etc. quite sensitive in that he doesn’t usually scream but just freezes. So I’m used to comments about that. But this time it was about being too loud.

If it makes you feel better once some old woman made a comment about DD throwing a wobbly and I told her to “fuck off and bite me if you still have any teeth”. I was running on fumes and it definitely wasn’t my best moment but now I look back and it’s petty funny.