To not lend the money to ex

[Isitvintage]

My ex, who we share a toddler with has asked if I could lend him money.

On Valentine’s Day! When the reason we broke up was he had a secret family and double life. Who he happily spent the holidays with. And the woman keeps sending me rude messages from different numbers (blocked her). He has also missed all of his CM payments. He has been “babysitting” lately, so we’ve seen more of eachother recently.

My initial reaction is no. But then I feel bad. AIBU for saying no?

Absolutely do not lend him money. Valentines day or any other day.

How much money does he want to borrow?

Why would you consider giving a man money who lied to you that also isn't contributing towards the cost of raising their child?

Why are you even questioning this?
No, no, no no no! If you can say no to him without laughing, you're a better woman than me. He's treated you badly and some babysitting stints don't make up for that. To be honest, he isn't babysitting, he's looking after his own child.
I wonder if his sudden helpfulness had asking you for money at it's back

You feel bad for someone who can’t support his child ? If he can’t get his priorities right then you need to get yours right instead .. that money could be spent on your child . Don’t let him keep him keep walking over you . You lend him the money this time he will keep asking . Work on your boundaries …

He owes YOU money for the upkeep of your shares child.

And now he wants you to give him more money... which will inevitably take away from you and your child again? Absolutely not. I'd be sending him the o/s balance of his CMS.

Not even 20p to call home. You'd never see it again, he'd hold to against you forever but also treat you as a soft touch and th new partner would be jitter and escalate.

Interesting you feel guilty though...maybe thinking about why that might be would help you work through it.

YABVU to even consider this?!

What does he want it for-to take his new girlfriend out to dinner?!

Don’t be a mug.

YABU for "feeling bad". Don't be so ridiculous.

Since I left he has the house and everything to maintain, and I know it takes up his whole salary plus bills. So I guess the financial knowledge I have makes me feel bad. @Howisitfebruaryalready

Good idea @BudgetBuster - can’t believe he has paid nothing. I’ve selected click and collect though.

BUT when he asked my first thought was “the bloody cheek” and “you shouldn’t have ever cheated if you can’t maintain your life” - the other woman has 6 kids so I know it’s a mess (1 is his).

Thanks I think I need to hear I’m not being unreasonable. I am doing counselling to work through everything as it has been such a tough time.

Absolutely do not! He is failing to provide for your child with him - meaning you have to cover his share of parental costs. And now he wants to compromise your ability to support your child financially.

You do realise that, if you say yes once, he'll factor it into his spending that he can tap you for cash whenever he runs out.

Thank you. This is the first thought that came to my mind.

But it doesn’t matter. He lost the right to ask when he tore our family apart.

Do not give him a penny! It's him that should be giving you money.

YWBVU to give him a bean. Woman, please. Purse shut.

It’s true @Rhaidimiddim. For the past month we’ve been amiable- just texting and arrangements for our son after going cold turkey. So it’s as if he is testing his limits.

Back up- he’s missed his CM payments? So he owes you money and asking to borrow more?

It's his fault he has the house to maintain... he cheated. He can get a lodger if needed.

He has 2 kids to provide for, one yours and one this other woman's... her other 5 kids are nothing to do with him so remove that from your mindset! They have their own parents to provide.

Your child deserves the CMS... It isn't for you, it's for your shared child. Imagine if you chose not to support your toddler like he's doing? CMS is calculated based on his earnings and a few other factors... so it's completely means based. He can afford to provide for his kids... he chooses not to.

You need to look at why you feel bad because you shouldn’t. Something isn’t right that you do and figuring out why will free you.

Sorry just seen you’ve left him and he’s in your old house, have I got that right? Then that needs to be sold asap. Get your share and he can go move in with his new love. He’s just experiencing the consequences of his actions, but if you are on the mortgage for that house, it might be a problem for you if he doesn’t pay it.

Why does his new partner send you abusive messages? What has he told her?

No. If you do, it’s a slippery slope.
You will never get it back and he will constantly whine for more because ‘you did it once’.
He should be supporting your joint child. Not you supporting his stepchildren.
He needs to learn how to be a responsible adult and father.
Please just stop.
You are obviously a lovely person and he doesn’t deserve anything.

So he owes you money, and he wants to borrow? Urm. No. And his partner is a cow.. don't be afraid to report her just so there is a record.

Look after you and your daughter, that's all that's important imo.

It's weird you're even asking this. Why would you do a favour for someone who has treated you so badly? Raise your bar!

His only option is you? That’s appalling. What are banks there for? Or his family and friends?

Why would you lend money to a man who already owes you money for your child?

Just tell him no you can't afford to lend money as he's not paid his CM payments. He's a CF!