To not lend the money to ex

[Isitvintage]

My ex, who we share a toddler with has asked if I could lend him money.

On Valentine’s Day! When the reason we broke up was he had a secret family and double life. Who he happily spent the holidays with. And the woman keeps sending me rude messages from different numbers (blocked her). He has also missed all of his CM payments. He has been “babysitting” lately, so we’ve seen more of eachother recently.

My initial reaction is no. But then I feel bad. AIBU for saying no?

Why are you even asking? He owes YOU child maintenance but is asking to borrow money from you? Beyond crazy. Just say no!

Honestly I don’t know.

To summaries their child was born the year we met, 2019. When I met him he was living like a bachelor. He didn’t tell me he had a child. And honestly we spent so much time together, he has a decent enough job and was actually a very great partner. We spent covid together. And we’re always together after.

We moved in together last year, after an unplanned pregnancy. Last year is also when I found out he had a child and about the woman. It looks like he/she got back in touch after I had our baby as from what I saw on his phone, that’s when they started talking again and he was taking her out on dates and promising to be with her.

I spoke to her, she seems to think they are still togrther - but she didn’t even know where he had been living for the past 6 years! I’m also the reason he has the house as it’s a mates place who gave us a good deal.

Lastly, he chose to take her and her kids to his family over Christmas, and that’s when we officially broke up. Despite trying to reconcile for our son.

I honestly think he has spent the past year playing us both. I feel very stupid really.

It’s all been a very big mess and I don’t know what he is telling her.

This is her 4th baby dad afterall, so she seems like she needs help.

I know. I don’t understand either, which in a weird way is why I went on MN. I know I should say no.

He has treated me like s**t. I really need to look out for myself and my son because it might be just us for a while.

You'd be stupid to give or loan him money at any time.

"Babysitting" his own kid? Do you feel like you have to pay him to parent his own kid? That's not how it works.

There is so much wrong here.

Your ex is an asshole. You owe him nothing. He owes you maintenance but has the fucking nerve to ask you for money? Tell him how dare you and time to fuck off. Have you filed through the system for child support? If not, do so ASAP.

His money woes are not your problem. He made his choices. His gf who is sending you abusive messages, tell him if that doesn't stop you'll file a police report for harassment.

If you're part owner of the house, it's time to force the sale so he can pay you your share. Don't lose out on home and child support because some dude cheated

Absolutely not. That’s a him problem. Don’t be a doormat. He treated you appallingly.

Send him this

@Isitvintage is not a bank. If you want to borrow money go through the usual channels. While you're at it borrow enough to pay the child maintenance you owe me for our child's expenses.

Plus if he’s no paying child support why give more money from your pot to his. It’s taking more away from your child. Sod that. He is a CF to even ask. Definitely a him problem to not be able to afford life and to have a child with 5 half siblings. You’re well rid OP. Whatever he wanted to borrow make sure and spend that on you and your child instead and enjoy every minute.

So let’s get this straight. He owes you CM payments, but he’s asking you to lend him money? CF much? Any miney you have should be for your DC, not for your cheating wastrel ex.

Oh come on. Know your worth and have some self-respect. No.

Hell no!

I’ve gone through click and collect with HMRC. So I’m surprised that they haven’t just taken it directly from his wages. He owes over 800 now, and I’ve had letters saying that they are chasing.

Thanks for your replies. I actually don’t feel bad and fell silly for even letting an ounce of guilt get in!

I am working on myself and have a flat, thanks to family, for now where me and my son are. We were just renting so I left the house. He can easily just leave and move in with his ex - but she was apparently abusive. And he won’t live with her, which is telling.

Anyways him and her are not my problem.

Why did he end up with the house, shouldn't you have had it?

Oh and don't give the arsehole a penny.

Any difficulties he has are all his own doing Op, tell him No and mean it.

Ideally yes, but I can’t afford it alone. So I left as had an alternative place I could go that I could afford.

His name on the tenancy. We agreed it at the time. But I don’t mind.

No, no, no!

Ah it's a rental? That makes more sense!

Seee how you knew you couldn't afford it and made a decision to move to something more affordable to make sure your child is cared for.... but he hasn't! That speaks volumes.

Make sure your name is off the lease at the end of the tenancy.

I'd also call CMS on Monday and chase them. He's way behind now and you could use that money for savings for your child, a nice holiday, put it away for Xmas etc. If you don't chase them, they won't chase him properly.

Are you mad OP?

Thanks for the tip @BudgetBuster ill give them a call on Monday.

@whereisitnow I have seen sense now.

Hell no !

Definitely don't lend him the money. It's a him problem and it also doesn't benefit your shared child.

Remember, he will try and break every boundary he can. Repeatedly. So make your decisions on 'what is best for me and my child?' And then write it down and try to ignore the guilt. You've put up with a lot from him so you need to break the cycle which us is so hard!

You need to have your name removed from the tenancy asap

I leant my ex money twice.

First time was to tide him and his new wife over while probate for her father got sorted.
i got that money back (minus the interest he promised)

Second time he said he was at risk of losing his house (he was in a poorly paid job and not good with money) and wouldn’t be able to have the boys for his weekends if he lost the house.

He paid me back for about 6 months and then the payments just stopped with no details/excuse. By that time he’d also stopped his child support payments.

I was fortunate in having my own money and the loan was something I could afford to lose.

I only gave him the money because it made me feel good to be in a situation where I could do that whether he paid it back or not.

He did ask again much later claiming all the backlog of loan and child support would be paid back when he got his pension (from earlier, better times re his employment). I just laughed and said no chance.

Don’t be guilt tripped into lending money.

Of course not, He should be giving you money for your child not removing more resources from her home. Whole situation sounds toxic distance yourself from it he should be ashamed of himself for not paying for his child not asking you for money. Ring cms on Monday so he has to contribute to her upbringing.

This!!

HELL NO!! 😂😂 Is it 1st April?!