Unsympathetic teacher DD(12)

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Dd(12) started her period earlier this week. She had messaged one of her ‘friends’ (Sarah) and told her that night and the next day when dd walks into school other girls who she hadn’t said anything to asked her about it and said Sarah had told them.

She was later shown by another friend that Sarah had sent a screenshot of dds message to a group chat that dd isn’t in. Then at lunch a couple of boys came over and laughed at her and said ew etc.

Dd admits to them calling this friend a ‘weird bitch’ for telling people and has since then completely avoided her.

Friend has gone crying to their pastoral manager today that dd is ignoring her and had called her names.

Dd was called out of lessons and was told that Sarah didn’t realise dd didn’t want her to tell anybody else and that dd should forgive her because shes very sorry and upset about it. That Sarah hadn’t actually said anything unkind and that dd’s problem should be with the boys who did and that she will speak to them but she doesn’t want to hear of dd excluding Sarah or calling her names again.

Dd was definitely upset and embarrassed by what Sarah did, she just didn’t run crying to a teacher about it and she’s now upset because she thinks she has no choice but to forgive Sarah or get in trouble.

AIBU to think that Sarah definitely knew she shouldn’t tell everybody and that dd has a right to be upset and want to avoid her from now on? And that the teacher could have been much more sympathetic to DDs feelings in this situation?

I think Sarah is a manipulative little cow and would be contacting the school for a) not telling Sarah off for telling others what is a very private thing and b) for pulling DD out of class and telling her to apologise.

I'm not normally one for parents escalating to the school but I think they have been massively out of order here. Sarah knew that isn't the sort of thing you tell others.

First post nails it.

I’m a teacher. I would have bollocked Sarah for her behaviour! Then I would have bollocked the boys who responded like a Neanderthal. Then I would have expected all of them to apologise to the OPs DD.

Yes, Sarah was wrong, but these are 12 year old girls, and not very mature. I just think Sarah has some growing up to do.
I think the pastoral manager was wrong, she cannot tell your daughter who she can be friends with, and yes she can exclude her if she now wants other friends. Calling Sarah names is wrong though, and that should stop.

First post hits the nail on the head.

Sarah is wrong here. I would support my daughter but let her understand that sometimes sh*t happens and she needs to think about how to approach Sarah next time.

Yeah, I’m usually on the side of “parents overreacting” but in this case I’d be at the school’s throat over how they mishandled this. Sarah needs consequences for her bullying behaviour and a lecture about what constitutes as bullying. Your daughter needs an apology for their attempt to discipline her for being upset at being bullied. Absolutely insane that they would think that is an appropriate way to handle this situation. It’s hard enough starting your period without nasty little “friends” broadcasting the news to twatty 12 year old boys.

Thank you, will support dd in wanting to distance herself from Sarah. It’s half term now so easy for her to ignore her but will contact school when they go back and make that clear.

Sarah is a bully. And a weird bitch.

Its a harsh life lesson for dd. Dont share any information you wouldnt want other people to know, especially via message which can easily be shared.

Id also be acutely aware that you are getting dd version what the teacher said which Iv found with teens can be taken differently from what the teacher meant.

If dd cant resolve this herself Id ask for pastoral for a quick phone call and get their view of situation and take it from there depending what they say

Are you Sarah," or one if her friends, that comment is very immature, if you are an adult you should be ashamed of yourself.

Horrible behaviour from the other girl. I'd be getting in contact with the school and reiterating that this wasn't just a slip up by her, she screenshotted the message and sent it to a group chat. There's no way in hell she thought that was ok in any way.

It is weird though to go telling randoms that someone has started their periods.

Has Sarah even actually apologised to DD?

You disagree that Sarah is a bully? She sent screenshots of private conversations about OP’s daughter’s period and told some of the boys. Not sure you realise how humiliating and distressing this can feel at that age. She deserved the comment she got from OP’s daughter.

True though. It is pretty weird to screenshot a message of someone starting their period and send it to everyone. And it is obviously bullying. There's absolutely no other reason you'd do that other than to laugh at the Dd

Your daughter doesn't need to be friends with someone she doesn't trust. She's allowed to chose who she does and doesn't have a relationship with. Tell her to limit her interactions with Sarah. Don't ignore her but limit the communication to professional civility. No chats, lunches, texts. The teacher can't make them be friends or punish her. I'd question any sanctions with SLT.

Where did I say that? I made it quite clear in my post that Sarah was wrong and it was wrong of pastorial care to say she should not exclude Sarah, the OP daughter can hang around with who she wants.
I think adults name calling a 12 year old though is immature. We are not school kids.

Bullies deserve what they get.

Sarah did this deliberately - no one sends screenshots of conversations with another person into a group by accident and even 12 y.o understands about private details.
However I would approach school softly softly first to clarify their position. The ideal thing would be in righting tbh so I would email them saying that DD was very upset and you wanted to checked what happened.
Then I would tell them what you think about it ( politely) and complain about Sarah’s bullying your DD.
The lack of common sense in people is such a big problem. And I’m talking about pastoral team.

Sarah showed her true colors

Your DD is at a stage to learn healthy boundaries and how to stand up for herself

If you support her it will teach her that it's ok to cut off manipulative and abusive "friends"

Thank you for being someone she can rely on. Your instinct is correct.

I would tell your DD that she’s absolutely in her right not to want to be friends with someone she can’t trust not to share her private message to a group chat.

and that she can tell schools exactly that and you will back her up.

Beyond that first post nails it.

Weird bitch seems fairly accurate here.

see also: crybully.

Sorry but this girl Knew exactly what she was doing. How rude. I remember in school we all knew when we were on our periods, didn't spread it around we just helped each other out. Especially when a teacher wouldn't let my girl friend go toilet id cause a scene so they could sneak out! 🤣Sarah is not at all the kinda friend your daughter should have! Hope she isn't too embarrassed, let her know we've all had mishaps during our period and while it's embarrassing in 10 years she will not remember it xx

And fwiw I’m pastoral lead in a school and I would have been getting Sarah to reflect about why she thinks your DD has responded this way and to understand her behaviour has brought on this consequence.