To worry that Dd is becoming a not very nice person

[Lifeislikeaboxofdairymilk]

I adore Dd (almost 8) so much
She was a happy, energetic, fun girl growing up…she still is..sometimes. The rest of the time she’s moany, cross and rude at times. We’ve always brought her up to have good manners and be a good person, but as awful as it sounds, sometimes she’s just not that likeable 😔
I put so much effort into everything for her, she never wants for anything (not in a spoilt way) she’s an only child and i’m very hands on, but now nothing is good enough for her, she complains about everything and it’s really bringing me down.
Is this normal? Sometimes I wonder why I put so much effort in as there’s really no point.
I look back at her younger years and feel so sad

Sounds pretty normal from what you've written. They have a big hormone surge at this age, so it's almost like having a mini teenager! I think you have to keep modelling the kind of behaviour you want to see, rewarding her when she demonstrates it and talking it through when she falls short of expectations and trust she'll come out the other side.

it sounds like she’s started the tweens stage, beginnings of hormonal fluctuations and mood swings! Mine did this and was sometimes just so unpleasant a big pain in the arse! But then after a few weeks she was happy again and then it would change again.

How long has she been like this? bear with her, if it is hormonal, it’s just a phase that will likely dip in and out of.

that being said, I’d also be asking questions about what else is going on in case there’s bullying at school or any thing else that is making her unhappy/frustrated.

It’s hard to know how to react correctly.
A recent example is something I helped her with for school, spent a fair bit of money and time making it, she liked it, but was then upset when she didn’t win the competition and said she felt ashamed and I should have done what a couple of the other mums did. I wouldn’t mind but many did not put effort in (bought the items) not judging at all as totally get it, but it was a slap in the face after I put so much effort in for her

But she’s only 7.5 😬

You have to toughen up and shrug off some of her whingey behaviour or you’ll go mad. You can’t take on board every little disappointment or fall in her life.

And also encourage her resilience by saying “yes I know it’s annoying not to win but never mind, we tried our best. Let’s think of something fun we can do to cheer ourselves up..” and if she grumps at that, just leave her. Carry on with a chirpy upbeat normality (even if it’s an Oscar worthy act) and she’ll eventually get over it.

Don’t make the mistake of getting hyper focussed on every little mini drama she has.

It’s not so much the moaning, annoying as it is I can cope with it, she can be really quite hurtful with the things she says and comes across as spoilt and ungrateful

Shes allowed to express disappointment, and after for you to explain that you understand that she’s disappointed but you spent x amount of time and money and that we can’t always win .
Thick skin and use moneys like that as lessons . They will be sometimes ungrateful and difficult and selfish but it’s up to us to teach them . As someone with daughters 28, 25 and 17 my advice to you is don’t take it personally. It’s usually not about you but their feelings to situations and stresses and you are just the most comfortable person to take out their disappointments and bad days on .

Sounds exactly like she is spoiled, you literally say "but now nothing is good enough for her, she complains about everything"

I would try and nip it in the bud. Maybe she's at an age where she needs to learn to appreciate things more by not having them

I think it’s ok to point out that, as per pp, disappointing things will happen but that being rude and ungrateful isn’t ok even when she is upset/disappointed.
A simple “that’s rude DD” works well in our house, they are reaching an age where they are trying to figure out where the boundaries are, what’s acceptable and what’s not so as parents we call out behaviour in the moment that isn’t ok.

I think sometimes they don’t really understand that parents have feelings. I don’t think she wants to hurt you, more just blurt out her unhappiness. I think you should say - hey! You really hurt my feelings. I did my best. And point out what you did. Not too heavy, model resilience. I think it’s hard being 7 at times, still really little (not a tween or anywhere near it!). They are just learning.

But how should I react to it, do I say that I put a lot of time and effort into it and i’d like her to appreciate it or is that unfair at such a young age?

This is what I’m wondering…she really is a kind, lovely girl underneath, I don’t understand this behaviour

She's not too young to understand that you don't behave like that. Tell her straight that she is being rude, ungrateful and you didn't HAVE to help her at all and won't in future, if this is the attitude you get. Sometimes you do just have to be straight with them.

Absolutely agree with the other poster who said she needs to learn to appreciate things by not having them.

I don't think you ask her to appreciate how much work you put in, I think that might be a bit beyond her yet. But telling her that she's dismissing all the work you did and how would she feel if someone did that to her might work. A bit of the 'how would you feel if...' and if she just shrugs or says that she wouldn't care, you leave it. She KNOWS that's not how she'd feel and it does trickle through eventually.

This is the very definition of spoilt. Was it a competition for mums to enter? No.

What might have been a better response would have been to have said "Well, yes, it can be disappointing when you don't win, but you are very lucky to have a mum who has enough time and money to help you. I expect some children in your class didn't get any help."

This is a very good age to start learning that other people aren't as lucky as she is.

I mean, really I think you should just roll your eyes at most of this!

But it's also good to look at how other people in your household are modelling behaviour. Do you or your DP or a grandparent etc often sulk when they don't get what they want, for instance? Or when you react to a comment she says about not being happy, is it JUST you bringing up or do you have someone else say "excuse me?! That was rude to your mum who put a lot of effort to help you with that?!"

I'd definitely emphasise that you do know her to be a kind and loving girl, every single time she's giving unpleasant attitude, tell her that that's not the girl you know. And depending on what the issue is, explain to her that is she doesn't want or like x that you'll save your money for yourself and that in future she can show appreciation for that or go without. But I'd be relentless. She will make herself miserable otherwise

We had exactly the same 8-9 and then it passed. I would suggest be wary of sugar (Nutella at breakfast on holiday would make for a bad day) and throw a lot of exercise at it. Higher level sports seemed to help on the emotional side. We now have a balanced grateful appreciative girl back x

Say you will not help next time - snd mean it. It’s foolish for parents to compete with school projects anyway! It’s feeding her entitled behaviour. School comps are for pupils, not parents.

Look at every complaint and tell her clearly when it’s not acceptable - if it’s not.

You seem to expect her to be rational at 7, but dc get competitive then cannot take the knock backs. It’s a bit “only child” behaviour too. No sibling to compete with or any other opinion. Just your unfailing praise. Difficult to get her to accept she’s not always a winner, because she is at home. She’s first in everything. (DH is identical)! We still notice this in DH’s character at his advanced age. Never having to share or think of others is definitely an issue that can become embedded. So a bit of tough love is required in my view.

I think most kids go through phases like this on and off. Ive always loved all my kids but there has definitely been stages where I have struggled to like them. Just keep reminding her of manners and kindness to others.

You say she's not spoilt but then go on to describe a spoilt child

It doesn’t sound unusual, OP, but it isn’t great and you have good advice above. I know it is difficult and I think you can steer DD onto a good path.

But, gently - please bear with me, because I know parents are caught between a rock and a hard place - what’s all this about the mums doing the work for the competition? Sure, if the teacher turns a blind eye, a DC turning in a parent’s work is likely to win.

But that parent isn’t helping their DC to grow up.

They are teaching that winning by foul means is the most important thing. Most importantly, and I say this as an (HE)academic, it is bad for the mental health of the DC. Children need to learn that they can rise to (appropriate) challenges!

The ones who think winning is more important than doing become the many having MH crises as undergraduates. The HE Board is full of these threads, and the Mitigating Circumstances panels at even our best universities (I did a long term on one of them) deal with huge numbers of them.

I appreciate that you came from a good place and hoped to give DD the joy of victory, but she and the other girls will be happier in the long run if loving parents think more about helping their children to grow up.

Obviously this requires that teachers drop the faux naivete and stop awarding prizes for adult work. Possibly this can only be achieved by banning these competitions.

Take care and best wishes

PS or possibly you could encourage DD to become friends with children who do their iwn work? There must be some!

Another agreeing that she’s spoilt. People always squawk when you talk about only children on here but you do have to be more mindful in some areas like this. As the poster above mentioned without siblings to be forced to share attention, praise, and accolades with it is very easy for them to feel that they are always the most important/best/brightest/etc. It creates a sort of false reality and when they are confronted with actual reality it is hard for them to grapple with because it is so different than what they are used to at home.

Walk back the doing everything for her/she wants for nothing mentality. It’s okay for her to want things but not get them. It’s okay for her to not be the best. She needs to learn to accept and process those feelings because she will experience them more and more as she grows.

Simply that you understand she’s angry : disappointed because she wanted to win but for her to remember that we can’t always win and we had fun doing x and y. Like I said don’t take it personally .
just correct behaviours and remember you are who she will take disappointment out on as her safe space.