To worry that Dd is becoming a not very nice person

[Lifeislikeaboxofdairymilk]

I adore Dd (almost 8) so much
She was a happy, energetic, fun girl growing up…she still is..sometimes. The rest of the time she’s moany, cross and rude at times. We’ve always brought her up to have good manners and be a good person, but as awful as it sounds, sometimes she’s just not that likeable 😔
I put so much effort into everything for her, she never wants for anything (not in a spoilt way) she’s an only child and i’m very hands on, but now nothing is good enough for her, she complains about everything and it’s really bringing me down.
Is this normal? Sometimes I wonder why I put so much effort in as there’s really no point.
I look back at her younger years and feel so sad

sorry op was this something your child should have done herself ? In that case you s shouldn’t have done it for her . Where’s the sense of achievement if she did win ?

She sounds spoilt because she is. This is just as much on you to fix as it’s on her.

I think you could say things like “DD - you are sounding rude and spoiled right now, and I’m not going to listen to that. I understand you are disappointed, but that doesn’t give you the right to be mean, and I am not prepared to be the target of your bad mood” - then go and do something else, and grey rock any more whingeing.

"I put so much effort into everything for her,"

Perhaps ease back a bit? Maybe she doesn't need/want you to do as much as you do? Maybe it comes across as controlling and she feels forced to feel grateful for and do, what you've put so much effort into?

Does she struggle with losing in general? Any self esteem issues? Does she get validation from external praise, attention etc. only? How does she react when she makes mistakes?

If none of those are an issue , then you just have a spoilt and ungrateful child. If there are some issues there, you can pull her up on the behaviour, model the right way to deal with things while working on building her confidence, resilience and changing her mindset.

Another vote for team sports

I think so. Otherwise how do they learn that money/effort aren't just magicked up out of thin air?

Not in a guilt tripping way. More sympathising with her - I'm gutted we didn't win too, we put so much effort into that didn't we? These things happen / that's the way the cookie crumbles / life doesn't always turn out how we want it to. Hey ho no point dwelling on it.

@poetryandwineSpot on. I thought schools were not asking for this type of project any more because it’s clearly counter productive.

Honestly, you shouldn't take it to heart. Just tell her it's not possible to win every time and that it was still fun doing this together?

Have to teach your daughter some resilience as well as develop some of your own otherwise you're going to be very fed up soon!

My DS had his moments of being rude and unappreciative. I didn't get cross, but I did tell him that it was not acceptable to talk to me like that and if he wanted help with X, Y or Z, then an apology would be required.

When the time came to help with X, Y or Z, I would remind him that I was helping him because I chose to, and I didn't want any unpleasant comments.

He was ND and didn't have a filter, so I did give him a bit of slack at times, but stroppy-arsed behaviour towards me or DH was definitely not acceptable.

I am sorry, I can't get passed this. Surely someone should be assisting their child not spending money and getting overly involved. I am possibly being very 20th century on this.

Sorry, but to me she does sound spoilt. I’d be withdrawing help and treats and tell her why. ‘You don’t appreciate anything I do, and nothing is good enough for you, so perhaps you’d prefer to do without it all.’

I think you actively need to talk about appreciation with her and the reasons why she is fortunate. And I think dial back on the ‘not wanting for anything’ at your own expense. She needs to see you as your own person too with feelings, wants, needs and boundaries- not just mum, who’ll do anything and everything and can be taken for granted. It might feel hard at first but you’ll be doing her a massive favour. If her dad’s on the scene make sure you’re both on board so he doesn’t undo your efforts.

DC do not see themselves as fortunate when everyone else is the same! The other parents helped too! She’s not more fortunate than the others. She does need to accept that help isn’t given without appreciation. There should be enjoyment in doing something together, and it’s not all about winning.

Winning is important to kids. I'd just say 'oh well, I thought ours was brilliant and I had a great time making it with you.'
She's not spoilt and ungrateful, she's just a 7 year old kid. No child appreciates what their parents do at 7 years old because they don't have any experience of anything else.

Do others in your family take you for granted too? Is she possibly mimicking how others treat you? Does her father regularly show that he appreciates you?

It wasn’t somethIng the kids could do or were expected to do, some parents made or bought

Thanks for explaining.

But that shows awful values on the part of the school. Who gives children awards according to their parents’ resources or talents?

I often think there is too much drama around minor conflicts in primary education but I don’t like the sound of this at all. I will leave it at that for now because I am curious about others’ opinions, but I will come back.

You're an adult, but seem to be finding it hard to handle a child's childish comments.

What you need to do is model the right behaviour, and then she'll copy. So be philosophical, a good loser, a kind person etc.

If you get visibly upset over a child's remarks, she'll copy that, so try to stay calm.

That's ridiculous from the school.

I'd say something like 'I am proud of the effort I made, I don't need to win everything'.

Be honest with yourself- have you spoilt her a bit too much?

I think a conversation is needed... along the lines of:

'It is ok to be disappointed or upset and to say that, when things don't go the way you'd hoped - but it is not OK to be rude or unpleasant to someone who has helped you. I help you because I am your Mum and I love you, but at some point in life other people may not want to help if you're unpleasant about it'.. (pick a wording that actually fits your daughter!).

@Lifeislikeaboxofdairymilk So maybe you should not have participated then? Your dd seemed to think it was important to win. Maybe that should be avoided?

My advice start getting some thicker skin, really have a hard look if she has a valid complaint, start learning to use the phrase “life is isn’t fair”, enjoy the good bits, and understand that she’s turning from the cute little girl into an adult in her own right.

She’ll need to be loved, kicked in the ass (metaphorically speaking), tolerated, celebrated, and endured in equal measure.

You’ll both be going through some growing pains in the next years!

The main point of your post is DD’s attitude and you have some good advice, OP. Helping her become resilient is important for her, and it is good for both of you that she treat you with basic respect.

I am surprised that only a few others think this competition at school was wrong.

Was it for s fundraiser or similar? A blatant attempt to spur the mums to greater efforts so their DC could be singled out for a prize? That’s not a message I would want my DC to be getting from their school.

But I wonder whether your DD might be focused on the mums of some girls she particularly looks up to, and the over-reaction in this instance might be about something deeper? I was the geeky girl in a primary school that valued athletes and, regrettably, at DD’s age I hated being intelligent because it made me different. I didn’t know how to say that and I might well have focused on how your output was different from what the mums of the Cool Girls did, instead. But I would have known better than to be (too) rude or disrespectful about it, or in general.

I do put the blame for this episode on the school. Awful system. And sexist.