Family drama

[MyDearDarling]

Dear Mumsnetters,

I'd appreciate your opinion on this, thank you.

So my partner and I are not married and have one DC. My partner has a brother who is married and also has DCs. When it comes to my partners brother's wife; she is referred to as "auntie" in reference to my DC but I am not "auntie " when it comes to their children. Reason; because I'm not married.

I brought this up to my partner and he said he would speak to his family about it. Long story short; it did not go well. My partner says he feels like he's standing between his family and us.

I have taken the stance that my DC will not refer to his brother's wife as auntie either as its simply a sign of respect. Where we come from, children or younger people never call older people simply by their name.

Am I being unreasonable?

How long have you been together? Is it really worth making your DC change what they call her?

Gosh, I’m not sure I would be bothered. I’m not even sure if my partners sister refers to me as auntie to her DC, I’ve never thought about it.

Most of my nieces and nephews don’t call me auntie, their parents used to correct them but honestly it wasn’t that deep to me.

My children do tend to use Auntie and Uncle however I wouldn’t push for it.

I agree with you, none of my children are married to their partners but all the children call them auntie and uncle, it’s just more respectful and tbh I think it’s nice, an endearment if that’s the right word.

I'm honestly not sure I could be arsed making a fuss about this. Its all a bit daft and a bit dramatic IMO.

My brother and his fiance have been together a long time but my kids never called her auntie, just called her by her name. They are not married so that is just what happened. No conversation was had about it and no-one decided this is how it should be. No-one has given a crap to be honest.

Is it really worth causing hassle, and being precious over, and potentially causing issues in your partners family because of a name?

There are cultures where older people (ie the generation above) are generally addressed as auntie or uncle and names are not used.

in the U.K. this is not generally the case although there are obviously exceptions.

my children have many aunts and uncles and address all of them by their name.

It’s really difficult and I sense your frustration but if that’s their choice then that’s their choice. My mum’s partner who I felt was more than just her partner was referred to by my children as Grandad. My sisters children called him Uncle. My own grandson calls my partner Papa then his first name, we’re not married. When we do marry this year it may change to grandad, but im ok if it doesn’t. What you call someone doesn’t change who they are or what relationship they have with them.

How old are bils children and how long have you and your partner been together?

I think this is one of those things where you just roll your eyes internally but let it go. It’s not worth creating family tension

Does it really matter?

My brother's kids call me "SunnyRedSnail" and not Aunty SunnyRedSnail. It doesn't bother me at all, as long as they're polite!

I’m not sure it would be the hill that I’d die on, probably not worth a family argument. But I agree with you in principle. It devalues you and your relationship. I wouldn’t fight about but I wouldn’t be rushing to babysit or sort birthday presents. They sound like jobs for aunties and uncles.

It really doesn’t matter.
She is your DC’s auntie.
You aren’t an auntie other DC.
Who cares?
if it bothers you that much, get married.

I think you need to grow up and/or get married.

I think that legally she is the aunt, as related by blood, marriage or civil partnership (via the uncle).

I have a "nephew", who is my child's first cousin, although I'm not technically related to him by the above standards or legal definition.

I can see both sides, but personally prefer children to have as much love and kinship as possible so would see no harm in calling you Auntie.

However, I think you are wrong to try to prevent your child calling their legitimate Aunt by her title. Will you deny the uncle or grandparents their titles too because they disagree with your opinion?

I think YABU because I don't think it's a big deal, really.

Is there a backstory that makes this something really important?

Another example of how I live in an alternative world to the ladies of mumsnet

Does it really bloody matter

Be annoyed if you want, but saying "well, I'm not going to let them call you Auntie either" is childish.

I’m think it shows a closeness, so I don’t think you’re BU, it feels more like a way to exclude you IMO

It's your partner's choice to "stand between" you and them, he needs to get off the fence. If he thinks it shouldn't bother you he needs t JL you, if he can see your point of view he did the right thing taking to his family.
Having said that, I dont think bringing your child into the argument by insisting they change what they call their auntie is there course of action.

I agree that it's a stupid stance from your BIL/SIL... But it's really not something I would fight about!

It's just a word, it doesn't change your status or the relationship with your niece/nephew.

If the issue is that they treat you differently because you aren't married, that's a different problem and I would focus on that.

Sounds like SIL is a bit of a prat to make such a silly and unnecessary distinction.

Marriage is pretty much irrelevant these days.

I’m married but it was a cheap registry do as I wasn’t bothered either way and only agreed to it as DH had cancer and really wanted to get married.

Do their children call others who are not blood or legally related to them auntie and uncle?

If so and its just you that doesn't get this then I would be pissed off because it would feel deliberate.

If not then it may be that even though you all come from a place/culture where auntie and uncle are widely used, they may have chosen to not follow that with their own children.

I have ten nephews and nieces and none of them call me auntie. We just use names - both on my side of the family and my DH side. To me it wouldn’t matter.

Technically she’s rightfully called auntie and because of a lack of marriage, it cannot be reciprocated to you. Why is that title such an issue over all the legal protection and everything else a marriage brings?