Family drama

[MyDearDarling]

Dear Mumsnetters,

I'd appreciate your opinion on this, thank you.

So my partner and I are not married and have one DC. My partner has a brother who is married and also has DCs. When it comes to my partners brother's wife; she is referred to as "auntie" in reference to my DC but I am not "auntie " when it comes to their children. Reason; because I'm not married.

I brought this up to my partner and he said he would speak to his family about it. Long story short; it did not go well. My partner says he feels like he's standing between his family and us.

I have taken the stance that my DC will not refer to his brother's wife as auntie either as its simply a sign of respect. Where we come from, children or younger people never call older people simply by their name.

Am I being unreasonable?

I think people are focussing on whether using aunty / uncle generally is important to them. But really what I am assuming you’re upset about, is that just you in the family are excluded from this, because you’re not married. I’m not bothered whether my nephews and nieces call my aunty but I’d be upset if they were specifically told not to call me it because I wasn’t married in to the family. It would feel like they were purposely excluding me from the family group. However, I wouldn’t bring my children into and tell them what to call their aunty as then you’re dropping to their level

i don’t think would even notice.

I agree it's more of an endearment.

My DC call all of our siblings aunt/uncle regardless of marriage. Plus a few of our friends/cousins that we see on a regular basis. Others we don't see are just their first name

I wouldn't get upset by this though.

You've asked DH to tackle it. He's tried. Don't make this into more than it is.

If it really bugs you can could refer to Uncle John and Jane rather than Auntie Jane. You don't need to correct your DC.

No, but it does say something about how much esteem OP is held in, and how she is viewed.

Not in law, not in tax. It is still very relevant legally.

YABU. Mine call my DH's brothers’ wives ‘Auntie …’, but they do not call my brother or sister’s partners Auntie or Uncle. My sister is now engaged, so they will of course then call her fiance ‘Uncle …’ after their wedding, because it will be official.

"I have taken the stance that my DC will not refer to his brother's wife as auntie either as its simply a sign of respect."

But your child has two parents. How does your partner feel about his DC not referring to their Auntie as 'Auntie'?

This is ridiculous. It doesn’t matter. Your SIL sounds like a knob but I don’t know why you’d even consider playing your kids like pawns to get back at her over this. Fuck that. Carry on as before, safe in the knowledge you made the choice not to be a petty arse.

Long story short; it did not go well

You don’t have to elaborate but it might be helpful.

Dp’s Niblings have never called me Aunt/y/ie as I’m not their Aunt even though we’ve been together 30+years. It also means he has to buy any presents required for birthdays 😉

When I was young, all older unrelated people were addressed as Auntie/uncle. But I'm 75 and I understand that would no longer happen. and I grew up in a mining community where all the men worked in the pit and we lived in houses owned by the coal board, so everyone knew everyone's family. A very different world.

However, my Sisters children refer to me as Aunt, but my adult child refers to my sister by her first name as they do with sisters husband.

I really don't know why. My adult child and sister are very close, so it's not a question of disrespect. Maybe it's because I'm five years older than my sister and had my child when I was young, so there is only 14 years between them. And sister lived with us when child was a toddler.

what the children call you (as long as it's polite 😁) need have no bearing on your relationship with the children.

but what may have a bearing is if you start some kind of argument over it.

Does it really matter??

Well you are not auntie, but your child are being affected because you are demanding to be called a label you are not is more important to you ok then

YANBU, aunty is a term of respect, I have a 100 aunties.

I wouldn’t see them anymore.

Yanbu I'm not married but still called auntie by partners siblings kids. I'd be so hurt if I wasnt.

My kids don't call their aunt auntie but my her name and same with their uncle.

Seems like a lot of drama for nothing.

Does it bother you that you are not married?

Your partner feels like he’s stuck in the middle? That’s quite wet of him. I’m guessing that means that he’s not bothered even though it upsets you and won’t insist that you’re given the same acknowledgement as his brother’s wife?

I grew up in the 60s, in different circumstances. Lots of my parents friends were aunty this or uncle that and even as a child, I thought this was ridiculous.

Remember “uncle Arthur” in Dad’s Army?

Do children these days usually use "Auntie Laura" or "Uncle Dave" when speaking to their aunties and uncles? My kids don't with my brothers, and their kids don't with me. I'd find it really weird 😂

YABU - you are not the aunt of your dp’s brothers children.

Nor are they your Bil/Sil.

I am married but I would only be an aunt through marriage and I’d personally prefer just to be called CKN.

I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill and you most certainly should not bring your dc into your disagreement. I also feel sorry for your dp to be stuck in the middle.

If you feel that strongly about it get married

Where we come from, children or younger people never call older people simply by their name.

Where you come from is it also common to have children outside marriage? Feels a bit like you are picking and choosing what traditions matter to you and expect everyone else to align. If in your world its important for children to call older people a certain way all you can do is ensure that is what your children do - not much you can do about what other children do.

How old are they and how long have they known you?

Because if they're older than about 6 or 7 and have always called you by your name, then it'll be unlikely they'll change what they call you however much of a fuss is made.

Growing up we called family friends uncle and aunt. However my uncle got married when we were junior school age/early secondary, and we always called her by her first name. It would have felt really odd suddenly reverting to Auntie. The ones who got married when we were much younger we never considered calling anything by Auntie/Uncle.

It’s very calculated and sly to tell someone their child will not be calling you aunty, so of course OP is upset.

I’d feel a bit miffed but wouldn’t make a thing of it. My SILs both have long term boyfriends and I do make sure I say “Uncle Dave” to include them fully, as I’d appreciate that the other way round.

Maybe, but if they treated my child really well and made effort with them I wouldn't make a thing of it.