Family drama

[MyDearDarling]

Dear Mumsnetters,

I'd appreciate your opinion on this, thank you.

So my partner and I are not married and have one DC. My partner has a brother who is married and also has DCs. When it comes to my partners brother's wife; she is referred to as "auntie" in reference to my DC but I am not "auntie " when it comes to their children. Reason; because I'm not married.

I brought this up to my partner and he said he would speak to his family about it. Long story short; it did not go well. My partner says he feels like he's standing between his family and us.

I have taken the stance that my DC will not refer to his brother's wife as auntie either as its simply a sign of respect. Where we come from, children or younger people never call older people simply by their name.

Am I being unreasonable?

Tha would upset me. I’m auntie and OH is uncle to all my nieces and nephews on both sides. We have never married.

and all my aunts and uncles growing up only half were that. The rest were cousins, second cousins, parents friends or neighbours.

YANBU - my kids always call my sister's partner 'uncle' - they've been together since my eldest was a baby (he's now 15). They are rude. I'd do the same as you.

With my in laws? The kids don't call me 'aunty' because we got married after they were born, apparently that's a thing. Paedo BIL (also by marriage) is still their 'uncle' though, by virtue of having been married longer. Odd. Most odd.

You’re just picking and choosing your traditional values: get married before you have children - how old-fashioned; first-name adults - how disrespectful.

Yeah my DC didn't. One of my sisters got a bit upset about not being called 'aunty firstname' so I tried to use aunty when naming her to DC but couldn't get the habit to stick.

All my nieces and nephews just call me by my first name, whether they’re related to me by blood or not.
The only time any of them have ever called me auntie x is when they were pleading for me to do something with them/for them which their parents may have disapproved of 😂

Your being ridiculous and petty

You could have played this so differently and declared that you’re far too youthful to be called auntie, and that’s the reason why. Too late.

I can see why OP feels hurt. My (now) husband has three niblings and the first time I heard his Mum refer to me as Auntie in front of them (before marriage) I was quite touched. It felt like a full acceptance into the family.

I have 9 nephews and nieces. The oldest is 6 years younger than me. I would be horrified to be called 'auntie' by any of them. They do it as a joke to wind me up. Personally I would let it go. It's not worth causing a family rift over not very much.

So basically as long as the father and daughter are treated with respect by his family, the mother doesn’t matter?

In my family it’s a sign of respect to be called aunt. I would be upset to signal respect and be ignored in return, as if not being married makes you less worthy of respect, jokers !

I’m in the same position as you-not married with kids but SIL is. I also noticed SIL referring to me as my name only but my partner as Uncle. It does annoy me but I’ve never said anything. It is disrespectful and part of a pattern of disrespectful behaviour from my SIL/BIL. Includes not wrapping presents for my kids, sending cards/gifts late, expecting special treatment from inlaws (paying for SIL meals but not ours in a restaurant) etc. I could go on and on. If we say anything we are viewed as being petty as others have said. But I bet there is more to this than just not calling you Auntie. Do you get on with them generally or is there underlying tension in your relationship?

You say that where you come from, children never call their elders by their name.
im also guessing that in this same culture it is atypical to have a co-habit and child outside of marriage?

so if you’re not following one set of traditional values from your culture, why do you feel so strongly about another?

If they all get along and cherish their child. But just don't agree to say aunt. Then yea I'd get over it.

Yes, quite! You say it's a thing where you come from for children or younger people never to call older people by their name. Which is fairly old-fashioned - I guess in that kind of a culture it's usual to get married before having children too?

Personally I couldn't give a flying fig and I think it's ridiculous to change what your child calls the brother's wife if they have always referred to her in a particular way - why drag children into petty drama? That's so unfair and a really crap example to set. When you play tit for tat you generally end up looking like a tit.

Not a hill I'd die on - it doesn't matter and these honorifics are rather old fashioned.

If you're modern enough to cohabit and have children, you're modern enough to use first names.

None of my nieces called me Auntie.