is 11 too young for a going into town alone?

[PeanutPies]

My daughter has been invited for a friends meet-up- the plan is to be dropped at the friends place and then a group of them (4 girls) walk into town for a few hours and then walk back to the friends house. The host lives about 10 mins from the town- and my daughter will be having her phone. However she has not been into town without adult supervision before- I think it's all the news you hear nowadays that's making me nervous. I know she needs to learn to be independent just not sure of when is the right time-

Ah see if let mine practice going places in the town and coming back to me BEFORE they wanted to go alone. So id be in a cafe with DS and 10 year old DD would go and waste her time looking at crap in Primark or Claire's accessories and come back to me.

And even before that I got them to navigate me to places. Started that preschool age, DS was very good at going through Stansted airport and telling me where to go next by age 6.

Yes, in hindsight I should have done that more of that with her. I think because my DS was so good at knowing his way around and being independent, I made an assumption that DD would be fine too. It came as quite a surprise when we realised she hadn’t really absorbed any of it! I have a younger DD who is 7 so I will get the practice in a bit earlier with her!!

Some people are just naturally less observant than others so need to be encouraged to take note. BTW they were all encouraged to look for possible hazards when they were passengers in my car also. Cars pulling over suddley, people looking as though they might step out etc.t

Depends on the town and the 11 year old!

I think this is something that has really changed over time. When I was young, everyone I knew travelled all over our big city when they started secondary school. Whilst I do understand parents’ fears, I think it is also important to empower children to be independent. I was surprised to see a lot of young people who went to university with my DC who had very little experience of being out on their own, which then made the transition way bigger.
As previous posters have said, talk to her about staying with her friends and keeping her phone tucked away etc. It’s so hard letting them go, but also an essential part of growing up.

I didn't do any of that with either of my dds before they went off on their own. If they can't find something they can use Google Maps on their phone!

It depends entirely on the child.

I had been taking buses to school from I was 9 years old and going into town for trips with friends from 11 when I started high school.

I was quote sensible and a mature head on my shoulders.

I have a 9 year old at the moment, and he is definitely not ready to take the bus to school on his own. And I highly doubt he will be ready for town outings with friends etc in a couple of years as he's extremely influential and has no street sense (he has ASD and ADHD and struggles even now with crossing roads etc)

Only you will know, as their parent, if they are ready or not.

She'll be fine, especially if she stays with her friends and has her phone.

I was 11 when I did the unthinkable, lied to my mother and got on the bus (direct route) with a friend to go into a town with a very dubious reputation. To this day, she doesn't know, as far as I'm aware. My family were far too overprotective of me because I was a girl, and it drove me mad, especially in comparison to how my brother was raised. At 18, I moved to a university over a hundred miles away from home to get a taste of privacy and independence!

Girls need to know how to be independent, just as much as boys. This will be a good introduction to being out in the world without an adult... and by and large, the news only ever really shows the negative side of the world. It's not often that you see lots of positive stories.

My DD did this with some of her friends when she was around 11 just before she moved up to secondary school. I knew the friends (and their parents) already which helped and they were all good kids.

We lived on the outskirts of a home counties market town that we visited regularly so she knew her way around and I'd already been giving her more freedom and responsibility bit-by-bit as part of the prep for secondary school. I made sure she knew that if she got separated from her friends and/or it was all going wrong, to call me and I'd come and pick her up no questions asked. They had a blast!

It's fine. At 9 I first came home from a friend's by bus alone because my mum was working and my dad was away. This gave me a taste for public transport: I wanted to explore. I confess I began doing this off my own bat: saying I was just going to the shops then catching a bus or train... But eventually I sought and got my parents sanction for these trips (though I never told them I'd already started them). At 12 I went from London to the seaside by myself. I never came to any harm on any of these journeys.

11 is exactly when my DD started doing this. Small town, one main Street, very familiar with it. I do have a tracker on her phone but now she’s 12 and used to going into town as well as walking to school I don’t look at it much. Sometimes we go further afield - she’s not done a bus or train ride with friends yet but I’ll take them somewhere and then go for a coffee or look in different shops while she goes round with a friend.

You walk your Year 7 child to school? So unusual where we live.

You got to let them start getting some freedom at some point. I think 11/12 is the age to start that.

OP I think this is a very safe way for your daughter to start having some independence. It's a 10-min walk and she is with a group of friends. As a parent you will always worry but it's important not to project your anxiety onto your daughter so she can learn to navigate her expanding world with confidence. If you take sensible precautions, and barring any additional needs that may be impacting her, there will be no need to stop her from doing what is quite normal things at this stage in her life.

I let my daughters walk into town at this age, but we are also in a small town.

I’m not sure I’d have wanted them
to be out for four hours though. That’s a lot of time to be hanging about.

I would worry less about going into town at 11 and more about having a phone at 11.

Only you know your child and ultimately have to decide whether you trust her and her choice of friends and her ability to stand up to her friends should she feel uncomfortable.

I have a 10 yr old (yr5). She has been walking to and from school since September. She has walked to the local supermarket to buy bread or milk. She has a Monzo card and I can load with money for her. She has occasionally overspent and had to figure this out.

She has had 30mins in our local small city on a Sunday morning to do Xmas shopping for me and her dad in privacy. With an agreed time and place to meet us.

These small steps help build her confidence and our trust in her. She enjoys each new step of freedom knowing it comes with the privilege being removed should she not adhere to our rules (local community - someone would tell me).

She absolutely does not have a phone or a tracker. There is no need. I don't believe the world is anymore dangerous then when I was her age and starting to do the same things alone or with friends. We've talked a lot about stranger danger, sticking to well lit routes etc.

Why do we worry so much about our children learning independence outside of the home yet allow in some cases completely unlimited access to social media, What's app and games that can do so much more damage? I say this as an email has come in from school saying yr5&6 children are bullying each other on what's app. Children no longer seem to play out, get given chance for independence or learn to take risks because they are somehow safer at home where they can be seen but have untold dangers lurking in their phones, tablets and games.

drive as the buses are risky full of unsavoury characters, lots of parents do

There are 0 pay phones around where my child would be - agree it shouldn't be necessary to have a phone, but I was always sent out with a few quarters (I grew up in NY) in case I needed to phone home. I could give my child all the change in the world and they'd never be able to phone me. I also know perfectly well what I was up to at my daughter's age so not sure it was any better really!

(I still remember wandering up the highway in the rain to find a petrol station at 14 when I ended up at a party I definitely shouldn't have been at. My daughter will never know this fear and I'm thankful for it!)

But back to the point - I think it's super important to start practicing this early as others have mentioned. My daughter is autistic so needs extra time anyway, so we usually practice a route before she's happy to go on her own. My son is almost 10 now and far more independent so we are starting to remind him about bus routes and directions and asking him which way he would need to walk to get home when we are out. By the time he's in secondary, he'll be ready to go anywhere he wants.

I think year 7 is the time many kids start to expand their social lives and activities independently. If there are clear parameters, they're sensible (and have sensible friends) and they start small - your daughter's request sounds about right - I think you have to step back and let them get on with it.

But none of that means you're unreasonable to be worried. Parenting is tough. I found this part the hardest - balancing independence and safety is stressful.

I never had money for a payphone at my DD age. We were largely left to just get on with it on and trusted. I can say I don't take this approach with my DD, but the steps I take with her now will be to ensure she is safe and feels safe and can make (as far as possible) sensible choices about what she does. But she's still learning and will make mistakes and we can help and guide her through those.

You're quite right. I did some stupid stuff at age 14-17, and I actually think my child is more sensible than me! However horrified I am that my daughter might do some stupid stuff eventually - she kinda needs to in order to learn because that's what we did. At that age she will have a phone and will know that whatever the situation I will always come for her and it won't be a bother - but we aren't talking about that age group ( the OP has a 10/11 yr old) and an appropriate conversation will be had well in advance before that age and the issues that might crop up.

This is not to say that I'm ultra casual and this freedom does not scare the life out of me. It does! I worry about DD and fret when she out of sight as much as the next parent but I try not to show that to her. I encourage her, talk to her and discuss options to help her make decisions for herself.

I suppose it does depend on the area. Round here they are full of students and people going to work so it's pretty safe.

It’s not unusual for children to walk to school from age 5 where I live and nearly all of them do it by age 7.

I wish that was the case around here but unfortunately we live in an undesirable area, one of the reasons I learned to drive was too many unsavoury people on the bus. I got attacked on the bus in the middle of the day.

Only a few 11 year olds around us have phones yet (a lot more will get them this summer before going up to secondary) - they are allowed to call for neighbours and go to local park/shop, be dropped off at the cinema and collected after the film, but not go into town on the bus yet.

I'd anticipate that starting up once they are all settled with new friends in Year 7 and have phones, so maybe Xmas hols or start of next year once the weather is better.