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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Funeral issues - boyfriend

57 replies

DocLot · 10/02/2026 19:15

I’m really hoping that someone can talk some
sense into me please.

My partner of 9 years sadly lost his mother after Christmas. The funeral was last week. I’ve been there trying to support him through it all. He has needed quite a bit of support. He appears to deal with some of his grief by talking to me for hours about their time together. I’ve been encouraging him and supporting him as best I can.

I wasn’t invited in the funeral car even though there are three spare seats. I kind of understand this though, as I’m not immediate family. However, when they arrived at the crematorium for the service, I was standing there and he just walked straight past me and I ended up sitting on my own for the service. I appreciate that this is a family event and also it’s a very emotional moment but we’ve been together for a very long time and I knew his mother well. Also, he has leaned on me quite heavily (to the point where I am genuinely exhausted comforting him - my own dad has been in hospital and I’m trying to hold down a full time job as well as manage pets etc) and I just felt a bit hurt by this.

Part of me feels like I’m being bloody ridiculous and I KNOW that the day wasn’t at all about me. But it’s part of a wider context where I feel like he is embarrassed about our relationship. He refused to tell his friends about me for several years, he won’t be connected on social media and it’s just a recurring theme where I don’t feel like he actually cares about me. I feel awful for feeling hurt by this whole thing, I really do.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Notquitetheplan · 10/02/2026 19:21

This seems very strange, unless there are cultural explanations this sounds like he’s showing you that you are not included in his nearest and dearest. Sorry OP I would not be happy with this at all. You deserve someone who cherishes you not keeps you at arms length when it suits.

IamSmarticus · 10/02/2026 19:25

You are not being ridiculous at all. After 9 years together, I would expect to be in the funeral car with my partner and not ignored.

What do you get out of this relationship?

BusyBeeeeee · 10/02/2026 19:25

Yes I can understand why that's hurt you, it's quite unusual behavior.

My boyfriend of 3 years didn't invite me to his mother's funeral, even though I'd met her and was upset by her passing too. I too found that really hurtful and confusing to process.. But 9 years in is really really strange behaviour.

Sorry to hear about your own Dad too. Does your boyfriend support you around that or is it a very one-sided relationship?

Whatayear2026 · 10/02/2026 19:28

That’s awful. You are either a couple or you’re not. Did you mention it to him? What did he say? I would be hurt and yes you’re right that he is not acting like you are together. You could have said something to him before the funeral about the car and told him you weren’t happy.

gototogo · 10/02/2026 19:29

It’s common in my experience for partners to sit in the row behind the family, even if they have been married for years.

Original poster
DocLot · 10/02/2026 19:32

Notquitetheplan · 10/02/2026 19:21

This seems very strange, unless there are cultural explanations this sounds like he’s showing you that you are not included in his nearest and dearest. Sorry OP I would not be happy with this at all. You deserve someone who cherishes you not keeps you at arms length when it suits.

There are no cultural issues that I’m aware of.

OP posts:
AnSolas · 10/02/2026 19:32

Sorry not sorry
But a funeral is for the living.

His mum is gone and its the ones who are left that matter at the service.

You are his family
His partner for many years but he is not willing to "introduce" you to his living family as his family member as someone who is important and who loves him and is loved in return.

It would be different if you were a short term relationship but you are not short term.

So unless he as Notquitetheplan suggestes a culturual reason where women dont attend services etc he is showing you he is not wiling to have you stand beside him.

Purpleturtle45 · 10/02/2026 19:32

After 9 years you should have been in the funeral car unless there was an issue between you and his Mum! I would be very hurt by that too.

Original poster
DocLot · 10/02/2026 19:32

IamSmarticus · 10/02/2026 19:25

You are not being ridiculous at all. After 9 years together, I would expect to be in the funeral car with my partner and not ignored.

What do you get out of this relationship?

This is what I am wondering. It sounds awful but I feel like this might be my final straw.

OP posts:
jay55 · 10/02/2026 19:33

Ive no recollection of whole parts of my parents funerals. I was in a complete daze for parts of them, and wouldn’t have noticed if the queen walked past.

Pinkissmart · 10/02/2026 19:33

I can see why he walked past if he was trying to focus and hold it together.
I’m divided on the funeral car thing.

However, him not connecting on social media, and not telling friends about you are each giant red flags.

Original poster
DocLot · 10/02/2026 19:33

BusyBeeeeee · 10/02/2026 19:25

Yes I can understand why that's hurt you, it's quite unusual behavior.

My boyfriend of 3 years didn't invite me to his mother's funeral, even though I'd met her and was upset by her passing too. I too found that really hurtful and confusing to process.. But 9 years in is really really strange behaviour.

Sorry to hear about your own Dad too. Does your boyfriend support you around that or is it a very one-sided relationship?

He tries to support me I suppose but he’s clearly and understandably been preoccupied with his own situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
DocLot · 10/02/2026 19:34

Whatayear2026 · 10/02/2026 19:28

That’s awful. You are either a couple or you’re not. Did you mention it to him? What did he say? I would be hurt and yes you’re right that he is not acting like you are together. You could have said something to him before the funeral about the car and told him you weren’t happy.

I haven’t mentioned it to him. Firstly I wasn’t sure if I was just overthinking but it just feels like really bad timing to mention it when he’s so upset.

OP posts:
JackGrealishsCalves · 10/02/2026 19:35

Agree with other posters, 9 years you are family and I'm surprised he didn't want you both in the car and next to him at the service.
I'm assuming there is no bad blood between you and the rest of the family and you know them reasonably well?

Original poster
DocLot · 10/02/2026 19:36

jay55 · 10/02/2026 19:33

Ive no recollection of whole parts of my parents funerals. I was in a complete daze for parts of them, and wouldn’t have noticed if the queen walked past.

This is where I feel like I might be being unreasonable and if it were a one-off, I’d just be telling myself to jog on and get a grip. However on thinking about it further, it’s probably more about how he treats me generally.

im sorry for your loss.

OP posts:
Original poster
DocLot · 10/02/2026 19:38

JackGrealishsCalves · 10/02/2026 19:35

Agree with other posters, 9 years you are family and I'm surprised he didn't want you both in the car and next to him at the service.
I'm assuming there is no bad blood between you and the rest of the family and you know them reasonably well?

We’ve always gotten along fine! He’s always been very close to his family and I thought we got along ok. We have never had any cross words or anything like that.

OP posts:
Tiddlywinky · 10/02/2026 19:41

Very strange OP. Do you live together? maybe he sees the relationship as a casual one? although it's been 9 years, so probably not

Coconutter24 · 10/02/2026 19:42

Do you live together? Is he a partner or a boyfriend? You call him both but there is a difference between the two

ERthree · 10/02/2026 19:45

In his eyes you are his Girlfriend not his Partner. You deserve better.

cocoromo · 10/02/2026 19:46

I would absolutely expect to be in the funeral car and sit with my husband at my MIL funeral - we have been together a long time but at 9 years I would have expected this too.

Pancakeflipper · 10/02/2026 19:46

I'm sorry.
He's not treating you well. And it's not a one off is it ?

Can you think of why he behaves like this?

Very dismissive of your relationship.
I think you need a conversation about how he makes you feel. And if he doesn't 'get it',you need to think about what you want. You should be valued more than this.

Arlanymor · 10/02/2026 19:47

Two issues:

The funeral - grief makes people act in all manner of ways that they may not on a 'normal' day - you need to give people grace with to deal with their loss in a way that makes sense to them. Even if it means that they decide to speak in tongues all day and only eat red food. The funeral was what it was - but don't make an issue of it in terms of your relationship.

Your relationship - "He refused to tell his friends about me for several years, he won’t be connected on social media and it’s just a recurring theme where I don’t feel like he actually cares about me." What?! I must admit I couldn't give a crap about acknowledgement on social media, the whole thing is fairly pretend, vapid and shallow anyway (I say this as someone who works in social media!) but to not introduce you to friends for several years - what on earth is that about?

You've been together for nine years and he's only introduced you to them in the last two? Frankly I wouldn't have stuck around that long to have been sidelined and ignored - this is thing you need to talk about (in time, let the dust from the funeral settle first) because it's a really concerning thing for him to do. The people I've dated before have wasted no time in introducing me to their mates once we've decided that we're in a relationship. It's not because I'm fabulous (although I am actually) it's because it's a normal thing to do and usually people who are in love want to 'show off' their partner.

Jeska7 · 10/02/2026 19:47

Sorry for your loss. You’ve also got a lot on too. I could understand it partially if you didn’t get on either his mum, but as you get on I’d expect you to sit with your partner of 9 years in the car and for the service. It would be different if there were just the right number of seats in the car for father/siblings and no extra space for example. Who else went in the car? Was it siblings and not enough space for partners so no partners went in the car, or just not you? However if this was the case for my family then we’d probably just go separate and I’d go with my partner.

Sounds as if there’s other stuff too though like the social media situation.

PashaMinaMio · 10/02/2026 19:47

After 9 years you should have been included in the car & sat beside him. I know of a similar situation where the girlfriend rode & sat with her partner and rightly so.

From what you’ve written I'm thinking you have deeper issues spawned by hurt and disregard during your relationship.

Take your time, think about things but frankly I think I’d finish with him. In reality there doesn’t seem to be a proper place in his life for you.

“It’s my family, not yours,” seems to be the theme and thats cruel.

honeylulu · 10/02/2026 19:48

I agree its really disappointing. 9 years and still being hidden away and not acknowledged.

If it was just the funeral you could forgive him for being dazed and distracted. As one of the chief mourners there is sometimes a "stage fright" element.

But alongside not introducing you to friends for years, no acknowledgement of you on socials, avoiding being seen with you in public, it all adds up to suggest you are good enough to provide "services" (including free grief counselling) in private but in public he has no wish to be seen with you. Harsh but maybe you need to hear it.

What happened after the service? Did he come and find you? Was there a wake and did he talk to you there and introduce you to people?

If not i think I'd give it a couple of weeks given his recent loss and then part ways.