Funeral issues - boyfriend

[DocLot]

I’m really hoping that someone can talk some
sense into me please.

My partner of 9 years sadly lost his mother after Christmas. The funeral was last week. I’ve been there trying to support him through it all. He has needed quite a bit of support. He appears to deal with some of his grief by talking to me for hours about their time together. I’ve been encouraging him and supporting him as best I can.

I wasn’t invited in the funeral car even though there are three spare seats. I kind of understand this though, as I’m not immediate family. However, when they arrived at the crematorium for the service, I was standing there and he just walked straight past me and I ended up sitting on my own for the service. I appreciate that this is a family event and also it’s a very emotional moment but we’ve been together for a very long time and I knew his mother well. Also, he has leaned on me quite heavily (to the point where I am genuinely exhausted comforting him - my own dad has been in hospital and I’m trying to hold down a full time job as well as manage pets etc) and I just felt a bit hurt by this.

Part of me feels like I’m being bloody ridiculous and I KNOW that the day wasn’t at all about me. But it’s part of a wider context where I feel like he is embarrassed about our relationship. He refused to tell his friends about me for several years, he won’t be connected on social media and it’s just a recurring theme where I don’t feel like he actually cares about me. I feel awful for feeling hurt by this whole thing, I really do.

AIBU?

If the car was full then that's one thing, but the fact there were spare seats and you weren't asked is odd.

I had a good relationship with my widowed FIL. Cooked him regular meals, was with him (and DH and SIL) when he died. We'd been married 30yrs with two DC at this point. DH ordered two cars, but then went nuts inviting cousins etc to go in the cars. In the end I said to him "there's not enough seats". Instead of explaining to more distant relatives that he'd over-promised, I had to drive myself to the funeral. Guess who was expected to help clean and clear the house though?

I'd say, in conjunction with the other behaviour of not introducing you and not connecting on social media that he's not taking this relationship as seriously as you are.

I don't think I've missed it OP, but do you actually live together?

We don’t live together. We’ve talked about it but he wanted me to move in with him and absolutely wouldn’t consider moving in with me. My son was settled in his outstanding school in our village (he’s now gone to university last September) and had his friend group locally. My boyfriend lives in a town seven miles away which is not nearly as nice as where I live, it has major antisocial problems. So I didn’t want to disrupt my son and also didn’t want to move to
his town. Also, I didnt want to give up my house and security blanket because I’ve always had some doubts due to his behaviour.

I can imagine that in the moment he might, might, walk past you in the service, but surely things like the car and where you would seat might have been discussed before? As there were spare seats why not sit in the car, unless his family are sticklers for people having to be married? You could put this down to grief if it wasn't for the stuff about not meeting his family or friends for years early on. Look after yourself OP, you can't pour from an empty cup and having someone talk at you for hours, even in grief, is draining, especially when you are dealing with your dad. Perhaps it's time to take a step back and really analyse this relationship. Does it mean more to you then to him?

I would be very upset and confused if I were you OP and my partner did that. My dear dad passed last year and I couldn’t imagine not having had my boyfriend by my side through the funeral.

If it was just the funeral, I would say let it go. Perhaps he was dazed, zoned out etc. However, the non acknowledgement generally is more concerning, and suggests a more ingrained attitude about your relationship that suggests you and him are not aligned in how you view how serious it is. Sorry OP. I would be very upset too.

My partner of 2 years sat next to me in the funeral car for my Mum’s funeral last year.
Granted I was next of kin so I’m the one who paid for the 2 funeral cars but still, I’d have paid for 3 if it meant he was sitting next to me.
Most of my family live in 2 other countries so he met most of them at the wake, and as Aunties do, they asked when is the wedding 😂

OP, find someone who would pay for an extra funeral car for you. Not someone who would walk past you.
You don’t need to stay with somebody just because they’re grieving, not when they’re mistreating you.

I think it might be time to re-eavluate your relationship and ask yourself what you are actually getting out of it

I had a difficult relationship with my MIL, but when her own mother died she made sure I was included in the funeral car because I was her son’s family and because I got on great with her Mum (my DP’s DGM). She even kept a few things for me to inherit that related to a shared interest me and her DM had. Funerals are when you really come together as a family despite differences, or find out that maybe you aren’t family at all.

if it was a total one-off I’d let it go, but it would make me quietly evaluate all aspects of the relationship.

After 9 years his behaviour is very strange even with the grief. If your lives aren’t together (living etc) do you think you’re maybe on different pages?

At fils funeral only mil and her children(all adults) were in the car and they all sat together and I was left with two early teen children who were absolutely devastated and heartbroken for the full service aswell as nieces and nephews .

so when it came to MILs funeral I suggested that they went in the cars together but sat with their individual familes due to needing support with our children.

it worked well for us. Not being in the car didn’t bother me but to be ignored during the service isn’t great.

When somebody shows you who they are -believe them.
You are not important to him. He is very important to him.
He is using you.

You’ve been wise to listen to your instincts and preserve your independence. It doesn’t sound as though you are a priority and it sounds as though you offer far more support than you receive.

You both have a lot going on right now and, after 9 years, there’s no particular need to rush to a conclusion right now. Concentrate on your dad and on self-care and perhaps just have a little less availability for someone who doesn’t priority your feelings. But don’t feel you need to increase the stress and drama in your life by finishing this relationship right now.

Look after your peace and deal with this when you feel strong enough to deal with it.

It was just me and Mum for Dads funeral 33 years ago. I remember standing up and seeing my best friend and her parents in the back row. I fell apart.

My partner and I have been together for 4 years, he never met my mum sadly as she’d always cancel arrangements (she was an addict) and we eventually fell out. He was there with me at the hospital when she passed and took me every night prior to that. He came in the funeral car and sat with my brother and grandparents and mums partner at the front of the church.

I understand grief can change you sometimes but I’d also be extremely upset OP.

The funeral car thing: in my family, people are grouped. So the chief mourners (which doesn't include in-laws) are in the first car, close relatives like grandchildren next, representatives from the different families within the wider family and then friends and in-laws if there's room. It isn't personal, it's just how it is for us.

In the church or crem we'd obviously have more space so its odd that you were stuck at the back alone. If it were a parent's funeral, siblings would sit together with their partners and children sat in the row behind.

But it seems that your issue is bigger than this funeral. I don't think the funeral is the right thing to use to express your general unhappiness as your partner will understandably be defensive.

At my DMs funeral we only had one car and it was me and my 3 siblings in that car. There were spaces but not enough for all partners, or grandchildren, so no-one else came in it, so I can understand thats a possible.
However on reaching the crematorium we sat with our respective DH/DW/DP and our children. One of the siblings has been with their partner 8yrs, no children but they were treated as an equal partner .
Id speak to him and ask what's going on. It seems a real disparity for relationship for 9 yrs.

My grandfather died in November. My husband and I had been married for 6 weeks at the time but we've been together about 8 years. He was, of course, given a place in the funeral car, as was my brother's girlfriend, and we all sat together for the service. I would have found it profoundly odd if my grandmother had suggested anything different. This isn't a normal way for you to be treated, OP, and it's entirely justified that you feel uncomfortable and upset about it.

I wouldn't take the funeral as a sign of anything. But there are lots of red flags in everything else.

You're not being unreasonable at all. I was with my partner in the family car when his mum died, we'd been together about 3 years? And I was with him when his dad died of course.
While there's no right or wrong way to deal with grief, shutting you out until it suits him isn't respectful to you and after 9 years that's the very least you should expect.
Take care, hope find out some answers and turn a corner with him, if not, I guess you have to find out how much of this you're willing to accept going forward.

My sil had her boyfriend of six months in the funeral car with us at her mum’s funeral. They split up six months after that. Nobody gave a stuff. She wanted him there, that was fine.

This guy sounds totally selfish and self absorbed- grieving or not. He’s not thought about you or been kind on so many occasions. Time to give up on him and give yourself a chance to meet someone who will cherish you (and deserve you).

Leaving aside the funeral there's a lot of red flags prior to this, sounds like placemarking until someone "better" comes along.

OP please know your worth and don't settle, listen to your gut.

I was about to say this.

@DocLot - Women Who Love Too Much would be a useful read for you.

Not being treated as family at a funeral after 9 years together is awful. I think I’d have to carefully reconsider the relationship OP.

When my DF died I was incredibly disappointed in my DDs boyfriend of 2 years, as he didn’t even offer to go with her to support her. Despite being 19/20 he knew my DF and she needed his support. I expected him to be there with her, and that’s just a 2 year young persons relationship, so in your case OP I would be very upset indeed.

Just because he’s dealing with a bereavement doesn’t mean he can’t support you aswell. You should be a team.

I hope your dad gets well soon.