Funeral issues - boyfriend

[DocLot]

I’m really hoping that someone can talk some
sense into me please.

My partner of 9 years sadly lost his mother after Christmas. The funeral was last week. I’ve been there trying to support him through it all. He has needed quite a bit of support. He appears to deal with some of his grief by talking to me for hours about their time together. I’ve been encouraging him and supporting him as best I can.

I wasn’t invited in the funeral car even though there are three spare seats. I kind of understand this though, as I’m not immediate family. However, when they arrived at the crematorium for the service, I was standing there and he just walked straight past me and I ended up sitting on my own for the service. I appreciate that this is a family event and also it’s a very emotional moment but we’ve been together for a very long time and I knew his mother well. Also, he has leaned on me quite heavily (to the point where I am genuinely exhausted comforting him - my own dad has been in hospital and I’m trying to hold down a full time job as well as manage pets etc) and I just felt a bit hurt by this.

Part of me feels like I’m being bloody ridiculous and I KNOW that the day wasn’t at all about me. But it’s part of a wider context where I feel like he is embarrassed about our relationship. He refused to tell his friends about me for several years, he won’t be connected on social media and it’s just a recurring theme where I don’t feel like he actually cares about me. I feel awful for feeling hurt by this whole thing, I really do.

AIBU?

I barely functioned at my partners funeral. He did not see you because he maybe couldn't see anything at all clearly and was just going through the motions. Don't take it to heart.

I think you let this pass. He is struggling and from your own comments is strongly in the hold of grief, not surprisingly. It’s not unusual to not be in the car, who does and doesn’t go in the car varies a lot and there is no particular normal. As for the service itself it’s not that unusual to sit separately either in my experience and a good chance he simply didn’t realise, rather than it being deliberate. I don’t think it’s worth the upset overall to raise it.

I think the fact that you don't live together, makes things a whole lot easier OP. You're obviously a decent person, and I think would find it difficult to end the relationship while he's in the initial stages of grief, but I think the best thing to do would be to start spending less time together, be a little less available, and then when you feel that the time is right, maybe 2 or 3 months, I would end this relationship, as you clearly have your doubts about how important you are to him, and that's no way to live your life. So end things with him, and give yourself the opportunity to find someone who truly loves and appreciates you.

I was in similar situation for my father in law. I was in funeral car, but dsis in law made sure there was no room in front row for me (there was plenty of room) even though I've been with DH for 20 years and loved his father. What made it more heartbreaking was his DM was in front of me panicking, saying where is MrsMillyFluff??? I had to pat her shoulder and let her know it was fine, I was just behind her, DH was carrying the coffin so didn't realise I wasn't with the funeral party. My sis in law has form for jealousy and basically being a bitch.It wasn't the rest of the family, just her.

NEXT!!

Despicable behaviour OP from him and sorry you had to go through that.

He refused to tell his friends about me for several years, he won’t be connected on social media and it’s just a recurring theme where I don’t feel like he actually cares about me
That's so weird. Not normal at all, sorry OP

You are his long term partner. You should have been in the car unless it was full of very close family - for example if she had lots of children.

He has shown you his true colours OP. Now and in the past. Don’t hang around for a similar incident in the future - past behaviour is a very good indicator of future behaviour