Husband lied about debt

[ForHappyCat]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to hear some opinions on what has happened to me recently.

I found out yesterday my husband has had a secret debt of 5.5k,he ‘forgot’ to make the regular minimum payments requested (this debt is now over 5 years old) and he had a phone call last Friday from the bank essentially saying he pay it in full now or he will be taken to court. He kept it secret all weekend (it was his birthday and silly me I made a fuss of him, I expect he didn’t want to tell me as it would sour his day…) He basically asked me to take a loan out in my name for the debt (as I had a good credit score) and I agreed,as we are married his debt is mine and the interest rates he wears being offered were vastly higher.

I’ve sent him the money this morning,and he’s going to settle up with the bank asap. He’s acting morose, which is irritating me frankly; he’s the one that has massively messed up, deceived his wife who has now had to bail him out,whilst on maternity leave!

I’ve told him in no uncertain terms he has to be transparent about money and any debt from now on,and he needs to get debt advice (he still has another 7k to pay off elsewhere!) and show me this plan.

I can feel the reality of what’s happened sinking in; I love this man but how can I trust him? I have two young children with him, we’re renting somewhere quite rural to be nearer his family (who do not help with childcare) and it’s trapped me in a dead-end job with little hope for salary growth. I’m angry I walked away from living in London with good prospects to be trapped in this mess. He doesn’t see this,he was even talking about booking a holiday yesterday after finally confessing to this debt!

Part of me wants to take my kids to my mother’s home,set up there and restart my career. But I love him and part of me still hopes things will change,he says they will…

I think I can already predict the responses, I think you’ll be confirming what I deep down know.

thank you for reading xx

How did the debt build up? Is he working? Do you have a household budget?

The fact he's talking about holidays needs to be nipped in the bud right now, no extra spends until the debt is paid off.

Does he understand what he's done? How seriously angry you're feeling?

Living with someone financially incontinent is extremely hard, if be taking a hard look at the finances to make a plan for starting fresh on your own if need be and think about what kind of life YOU want to live.

YABU to trust that he's not gonna do it again.
YANBU to be furious.

One, he needs to be more open with you when it comes to money, would he pass everything over to you. It’s not the amount I would be worried about, it’s so easy to get to that amount of debt, but the fact that he couldn’t confide in you, that’s what I would find most hurtful, to have a successful partnership you need to to able to tell each other anything. Why didn’t he tell you before the bank phone call, he’s had so long to tell you.

As others have said - yanbu to be furious - yabu to be a loan, clear his debt etc and should maybe read him the riot act every time he suggests expensive unnecessary purchases and warn him he’s on a written warning leading to marriage gross misconduct…

His debt was not yours. Legally it’s in his name - that’s it.

Good luck with this. But get a safety net of your own squirreled away. I started adding money into store cards as well so I had budget ready should times become hard due to partners financial mismanagement.

Sounds like there are a few issues conflating here. The loan alone, whilst annoying, isn’t necessarily a huge issue. I had something similar with my DH, I paid it off, we cut his credit card up and that was that, he is useless with money but it was spent on treating me mostly. I was clear I didn’t want any more treats he couldnt afford!

Where has the money gone?

The other issues are clearly affecting you too and this just feels like another one on top.

Thanks everyone for your replies-sorry I don’t want to drip feed-he took out the loan to pay off an overdraft on another account. He says he didn’t tell me at the time “because he’s had it under control”. Well obviously not!

I just poured out my heart to him,saying how upset and anxious this has made me, how we are paying a huge rent on a pokey house with mould,damp,slugs and snails come up
through the floor and leave trails all over the furniture. I’m so worried about our children becoming ill from this,I do everything I can to treat the problems and protect them-with no help from him.

I said I feel like our circumstances are only going to get worse as life is only going to get more expensive, and he basically said, “I don’t see that,there’s people worse off than you,be grateful for what you have”. He also doesn’t see any issue with moving back to the south east “for better jobs”,even though housing will be so much more expensive and we’re already struggling. He doesn’t worry about these things,it’s all left to me to figure out,and if I voice concerns,like today,I’m made to feel unreasonable. I’m so upset.

YANBU to be disappointed that he lied and hid it from you, although I've been in debt myself and know the feeling of shame it brings to come clean, especially when you've been feeling overwhelmed by it for some time.

Are you sure this is the only debt he has unpaid? It might be worth seeing if you can use Experian or Clear Score to obtain a credit report (with his consent of course) just to be sure he hasn't missed or ignored anything else.

Has he given you absolute proof that he has used the loan money you've given him to pay off the debt he said it was for?

I think my feelings about it would depend on why he had to take out a loan to repay an overdraft. If he’s been robbing Peter to pay Paul because the rising cost of living means he was having to use his overdraft for bills and groceries etc and it built up over the space of several years, then that’s a joint problem that you need to address as a couple. Quite another if he was overspending on things for himself.

I think you need to establish what it is you want: you’ve posted about possibly wanting to move back to London for your career but also being annoyed with him for agreeing that it might be a good idea to do that because you think it’s unaffordable. Is part of the problem that you’ve been quite passive and avoidant in your approach to some things - in deciding to relocate, in understanding family finances, in another baby when it probably wasn’t really affordable?

I bet he has other loans. The fact he spoke about a holiday says multitudes. Start separating all your finances. That’s step one. You’ll likely leave him one day

Why did you take on his debt? Just why????

Are you absolutely certain you know the full extent of what he owes?

Has he done a credit check in front of you?

I'd be afraid you've just opened the door to him starting to spend again. All his debt now in your name, wtf. He's taking you for a mug.

You've thrown away most of your leverage now because if he doesn't pay, you will have to. But at least make a concerted effort to get him to give you the money. Any expensive presents need to be returned immediately. Any expensive gear he owns - tech, sports, anything. And that goes to paying down the debt that's in your name.

Part of me wants to take my kids to my mother’s home,set up there and restart my career.

Do this. Nothing will change.

Whilst you are organising to pay his debt, he is talking about his next holiday.
He is delusional,
Yes, People do have it worse, & you are on your way to joining them
Go to your Mums

Thanks everyone for your input and advice, I needed to come on here to vent as no one I can share this with in real life,I’m so ashamed by it all. I’ve pulled myself together and I’ve been firm with my husband,several serious things must change,and I think he’s taken it on board. I’m still worried of course,until yesterday I thought we were doing just about ok and things would pick up in a few months when I’m back to work and earning, all the while he had debt he was hiding from me. I know I can be passive and avoidant, it’s because in many ways he’s such a good person and I just want everything to be ok. I need to stop this and have the hard conversations. Thanks everyone xx

@ForHappyCat have you looked at his credit score (together) and history to see if there is more stuff he’s hiding or that will become an issue soon if not dealt with. I’d say that’s something you should do monthly at pay day or something to make sure it’s all ok and he’s not defaulting on anything.

credit karma is a good basic free one.

The isolation and financial incompetence sound like the opening chapter of a thriller novel.

I would check that he has definitely paid that bank in full with the money that you have borrowed.

I would also use this as a chance to sit down together and create a spreadsheet of ALL of your joint and individual savings, debts, regular outgoings, and salaries or other regular income.

Honesty and transparency are so important, especially if he's hidden this.

I got myself into a panicky hole over a credit card years ago and the relief when I finally admitted it all was sublime. (Also in hindsight it was peanuts, it just felt a lot at the time.) The payment plan was affordable. I got it all under control and learnt to be better at being more vigilant in future. I now keep a monthly record of EVERYTHING and it's helped me to prioritise what needs paying off the most and all sorts. Talking with the bank, with lenders, with CAB all help.

If he's talking about a holiday he definitely needs to sit down with you and look at the reality. I know you're married and there are shared finances but you've just gifted him £5.5k (are you going to get that back?!), where's he expecting holiday money to come from? You can't be the magic money tree all the time.

It doesn't mean there's no more joy or fun, but until there's money for a holiday, there can't be a holiday, he needs to get out of the living on borrowed money mindset.

You know all this! I'm not telling you off. You've seen a red flag and it's got to be now that you tackle the issue. I get the sense that you love each other, he's been useless at this particular thing and is possibly naïve rather than taking advantage.

He owes you big time and should be bending over backwards to make up for the situation you’re all now in.
It isn’t only the debt, he’s made you move home and leave your career. It’s imperative you are able to be in a job where you can look after yourself and your dc on your own imo.

If you do want to stay married, I’d insist the family moves somewhere you can restart your career asap.

YABU to take out a loan for him.

Forgiving the loan is one thing. Staying with him when he is talking all the other crap about be grateful for what you have etc is entirely another. I wouldn’t be putting up with that. He hasn’t grasped the seriousness of what he has done, you’ve bailed him out so there are no consequences for him. He will not change, you’ll be here again. Take the kids and start afresh.

His story doesn't really sound very true. There could be a lot more debt. Did you actually see him pay the money to the bank or did you just transfer him the cash?

Another one coming on to ask are you sure he paid that money to the bank?

It’s exhausting always being the sensible one where money is concerned. Agree with separating your finances, absolutely no more loans or holidays until all debts are paid. I’d make him set up a monthly direct debit to you as soon as his wages come in (assuming he works), covering his fair share of all family living expenses AND extra to meet loan payments. If he can’t agree to that I’d assume he's not willing to work with you to clear up his mess. I don’t think this will get better unless you take control of all family finances, not ideal but something like this should be non-negotiable if you want to stay together. Good luck x

The worrying thing here is you're on mat leave and you've just bailed him out...and the next day he talks about holidays? It sounds like he hasn't learnt from this at all. I'd be so hurt he hadn't told me but also extremely worried that nothing is going to change in the future. Why didn't he tell you when it became obvious it wasn't 'under control' rather than wait until he was forced to? Are you sure there is nothing else he hasn't told you? What's he going to do differently? What are you going to do differently? I wouldn't be keen on the 'be grateful for what you've got' comment which sounds like he is minising or dismissing your (what sound like valid) concerns, especially if there is a viable alternative such as moving somewhere cheaper.

I'd also be having a serious think about protecting myself for the future, just in case. Is living rurally and taking a step down at work going to safeguard your options in case things do go tits up in your marriage? Did you compromise about where you lived or is it all on his terms? What do you or the kids get out of living close to his parents?

He’s not a great person if he’s got into debt and lied about it and expects you to sort things out loan wise and so on. I’d be thinking about staying with your mother.

You've just handed over 5 and a half grand to him, to pay off a secretive debt and he sulks and tells you he wants to go on holiday? He is a bell end, sorry. That's ridiculous. I'd have strangled him.

I would do two things, I would sit down with him, it will take several sessions, book them in the diary, and go through everything so you've got full visibility of what you're implicated in. That for me would have been a condition of the loan.

Secondly, I would head off to my mums for a few days if that is what you're drawn to do, and tell him you need time to clear your head and work out what you need.

It sounds very much like he's got main character energy in this relationship and you're going along for the ride. What would you change if you had more agency? I would have a solid Plan B.