Husband lied about debt

[ForHappyCat]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to hear some opinions on what has happened to me recently.

I found out yesterday my husband has had a secret debt of 5.5k,he ‘forgot’ to make the regular minimum payments requested (this debt is now over 5 years old) and he had a phone call last Friday from the bank essentially saying he pay it in full now or he will be taken to court. He kept it secret all weekend (it was his birthday and silly me I made a fuss of him, I expect he didn’t want to tell me as it would sour his day…) He basically asked me to take a loan out in my name for the debt (as I had a good credit score) and I agreed,as we are married his debt is mine and the interest rates he wears being offered were vastly higher.

I’ve sent him the money this morning,and he’s going to settle up with the bank asap. He’s acting morose, which is irritating me frankly; he’s the one that has massively messed up, deceived his wife who has now had to bail him out,whilst on maternity leave!

I’ve told him in no uncertain terms he has to be transparent about money and any debt from now on,and he needs to get debt advice (he still has another 7k to pay off elsewhere!) and show me this plan.

I can feel the reality of what’s happened sinking in; I love this man but how can I trust him? I have two young children with him, we’re renting somewhere quite rural to be nearer his family (who do not help with childcare) and it’s trapped me in a dead-end job with little hope for salary growth. I’m angry I walked away from living in London with good prospects to be trapped in this mess. He doesn’t see this,he was even talking about booking a holiday yesterday after finally confessing to this debt!

Part of me wants to take my kids to my mother’s home,set up there and restart my career. But I love him and part of me still hopes things will change,he says they will…

I think I can already predict the responses, I think you’ll be confirming what I deep down know.

thank you for reading xx

You need to start looking out for yourself and your children, because he is not living the same reality as you are. He will drag you down.

Mske it a priority after maternity leave to get your career back on track.

And make sure he keeps up the payments on the loan that you took out to cover the debt that he no longer has, and is in the process of forgetting about.

I haven’t seen any proof yet no,and it’s starting to worry me. I asked for him to bring me and debt management plan and proof that this debt has been cleared by my loan, I’ll keep on at him but I bet if I didn’t bring it up again neither would he. He also said he’d help look for somewhere else to live (in the past he’s decided on the location and I’ve worked out how to actually make it happen…)

I gave a shortlist of locations, 1 in particular is my favourite due to good schools,nurseries,job opportunities for me less than 90 mins on the train to London (he goes there for work occasionally and wants the children to be able to visit for museums etc). He’s dismissed it because the train to London would take over an hour and he doesn’t like that area of the country…not that he’s visited. He then starts looking up areas just outside London that are incredibly expensive and places where I would not have much opportunity for my career/childcare commitments 😖

Some of the posters have said he lives in a different reality and that feels pretty true. I feel like I’m betraying him venting all this on this forum, but I have nowhere else to go. Thanks everyone xx

I feel like I’m betraying him venting all this on this forum

Hasn't he betrayed you though? Especially your trust. I would be extremely careful here OP, it sounds like he's not really taking this debt or your wants/needs very seriously.

He can log into his account to show the payment. Ask him to do it now.

Another thing I would do in your shoes OP, is make sure that you get to the post before he does, every single day, and make sure you open EVERYTHING, not just your own stuff. That way, if there are any other debts that he hasn't worked up the courage to tell you about yet, you will likely find them. Alternatively, get on all of the three major credit check companies, and get him to show you HIS records.

You shouldn't have transferred the money to him - you should have settled the debt directly if you were going to pay it. You are right to separate from him. He's a liability. Are you registered with Clear Score and Equifax? You need this to make sure he doesn't take on more debt in your name. Best get legal advice about how to avoid him draining your assets and getting into more debt before divorce. I would get copies of all assets, savings, pensions, debts in case he goes on a bender. Very cynical of him to accept your birthday treats before dropping this bombshell. You deserve much better than this.

OP, this is genuinely said with kindness but WAKE UP. He has lied to you repeatedly. Racked up debt repeatedly. Why would you take out a loan to help him but even worse why would you give him the money and trust him to use it for the debt not whatever else he's spunked all the other money on? Don't stand for this any more. Tell him he pays the money towards the debt now or you and the kids walk. Worst case scenario, cancel the loan, tell them he bullied you into it and took the money. No matter how deep in debt i was i would not allow my partner to bail me out, and if i did I would be handing over the evidence instantly. He's being a complete twat. Don't let him.

I’m amazed you took out a loan for him , it wasn’t a joint debt it was his.
I’d be checking your credit score.
I would have paid off the loan myself , you need proof immediately he’s paid it off.
You need to see the DD he has set up to pay you back.
I’d leave personally , if you do that you’re stick with the debt though because he’s got you to take it out in your name.
You’ve also got a new baby , you don’t make it easy for yourself.

Oh OP why haven’t you insisted he show you that he’s used the loan you took out to immediately pay off the debt? Online banking means we have instant access now to information at our fingertips through our phones. He has zero excuse for not showing you right now if you ask him to. So ask him to.

I was in a v similar situation to yourself with my now deceased partner.He almost lost our home on at least 2 occasions, eventually I took on the mortgage and removed his name from it.
I've no doubt that I would have lost our home when he passed away if it hadn't been in my name.
He was bankrupt twice, stole money when he could and was totally untrustworthy.Our relationship broke down completely and he lived out his final years in an annexe attached to our home.
I agree with those who say you should request proof that he has paid the debt but I think the trust is gone.
At one time I had all our post put in a locked postbox so I could check for his debts.He met the postman in our local village and got the post before me.You just can't win with that kind of mindset.

Worked for a long time in the finance industry, he won’t change, you have now taken out a loan that he is unlikely to pay and you will be stuck with it

and the 7k debt will be chased shortly as well

You are living somewhere you don’t want to be with a liar

Personally I would be heading back to your family/London. If you want to stay together then that has to be a non negotiable boundary for you, and he comes, finds a job and you ensure the loan is repaid.

He had his chance and blew it, you need to think of you and the kids now

Yes, this. You need to be totally sure he has paid the debt and not used your money for something else.

So he had a debt of £5,000 and you took out a loan to pay off that debt. You didn't stand over him whilst he paid that debt off and he hasn't shown you any proof that he has. You now have a debt of £5,000 against your name and will have to pay some of that off ( plus interest) every month . If he hasn't paid the debt off that money will burn a huge hole in his pocket. Madness

It’s not joint debt. I think him being taken to court would have been the best outcome to be honest - they could have seized his car or something to pay for it. Let him learn the hard way. This was all solved way to comfortably and easily for him.

I echo others in that you should have paid the debt off directly to the company yourself.

This all said, I did pay off a 3k debt of my partners last year but the difference is he’s paid me back without fail every month via standing order and that includes 10% interest. And I wrote up a loan agreement that we both signed. I was very clear on the terms.

I probably wouldn't have sent him the money OP but pay the debt direct.

I feel unwell just reading this

God knows how you feel.

I just couldn't stay married to someone like this. I just couldnt...

Just saw you sent the money this morning.
If nothing else PLEASE make him transfer it directly back to you

It can be done in 60 secs in online banking

I really think its a terrible mistake to pay off his debts... which are HIS not yours legally.

I would actually leave him and go back to your mother's if its an option

Why did you send him the money, if you’re going to pay it, and not insist on transferring it yourself!?

He needs to figure out how he's going to pay this back. Second job, selling things etc. The fact he's talking about a holiday indicates he's no idea that you're actually broke. It's also quite clear why he's in this muddle.

Your latest update sounds concerning, I'm sorry. Why wouldn't he show you proof he'd cleared the debt? It would take 30 seconds, you know how easy it is in this day and age.

I agree with the other posters and think it's really important you request he access his credit files on Clear Score and Equifax. This will show all of his lines of credit/debt as well as if he's had payment defaults or CCJ's against him. But the main thing is to see what accounts he has open and how much debt he really has.

I was married to someone like this. Firstly, this is probably the tip of the iceberg. I would check to see if there is more debt. Secondly, if they lie, what else are they lying about?

Lastly, when you need to nag him and monitor his finances, it's essentially over. If he doesn't change, you'll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Look out for your own interests

Why did you send him the money rather than just pay off the debt direct to the bank? Very unwise.

I'd need full access to his bank accounts moving forward as he is useless at managing money. Divorce would be the other option.

Hopefully youve given him a payment plan for repaying his debt which you have covered.

It’s quite hard. It won’t change. My DH has no financial literacy. I’m no accountancy whizz, but I look after all the bills, tax, household, banking etc… And our child. He has a bank account & I’ve finally got hold of his earnings (paid more than I thought). But, the responsibility is all on me. I’m the one who always fills financial holes, which is stressful. Why do they happen? Tell him there won’t be any holiday, for starters!

OP you have to get proof today that this money has gone where it needs to go.

Why not go to your mum's for a few days and have a break?
While you're there look around at her nice dry warm house that isn't isolated and infested with slugs... and stay there.
Tell him when he's organised a nice home for you and the children and when he's paid you back the money he basically extorted from you, then you'll think abut returning.
Realistically though - he's not going to change. Protect yourself and the children from his financial abuse.