Husband lied about debt

[ForHappyCat]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to hear some opinions on what has happened to me recently.

I found out yesterday my husband has had a secret debt of 5.5k,he ‘forgot’ to make the regular minimum payments requested (this debt is now over 5 years old) and he had a phone call last Friday from the bank essentially saying he pay it in full now or he will be taken to court. He kept it secret all weekend (it was his birthday and silly me I made a fuss of him, I expect he didn’t want to tell me as it would sour his day…) He basically asked me to take a loan out in my name for the debt (as I had a good credit score) and I agreed,as we are married his debt is mine and the interest rates he wears being offered were vastly higher.

I’ve sent him the money this morning,and he’s going to settle up with the bank asap. He’s acting morose, which is irritating me frankly; he’s the one that has massively messed up, deceived his wife who has now had to bail him out,whilst on maternity leave!

I’ve told him in no uncertain terms he has to be transparent about money and any debt from now on,and he needs to get debt advice (he still has another 7k to pay off elsewhere!) and show me this plan.

I can feel the reality of what’s happened sinking in; I love this man but how can I trust him? I have two young children with him, we’re renting somewhere quite rural to be nearer his family (who do not help with childcare) and it’s trapped me in a dead-end job with little hope for salary growth. I’m angry I walked away from living in London with good prospects to be trapped in this mess. He doesn’t see this,he was even talking about booking a holiday yesterday after finally confessing to this debt!

Part of me wants to take my kids to my mother’s home,set up there and restart my career. But I love him and part of me still hopes things will change,he says they will…

I think I can already predict the responses, I think you’ll be confirming what I deep down know.

thank you for reading xx

How are things op? Wondered if things have improved or you have found somewhere to move.

Hi,@ThisChirpyFox, thank you for checking in 😊my husband is paying me monthly instalments for the loan, and he’s shown me his credit score checks etc so now I feel a bit more reassured he’s not hiding any other debt from me. Although he eventually agreed with me that he’s bad with money and agreed to change his ways,we still get regular packages of gameware/tech and none of its cheap. It’s frustrating as I’m walking around with shoes fit for the bin but I’m wearing them as long as I can until I’m back to work and can afford new. I know if I asked him to buy me some shoes he would but it’s not the point! He’s agreed we should move back to
the south east but we can’t agree on location; he wants to be somewhere that’s an hours commute max from London,but also near the sea and a similar price to where we are now…! I’ll just keep researching and hopefully with enough evidence in front of him he will see compromises will need to be made…

So you’re doing all the stressing and sorting and planning and sacrificing while he refuses to compromise or be realistic about options?

You need to get tougher. It’s outrageous that it sounds as though he’s labelling you a nag and trying to shut you down when you burst his delusional bubbles.

No more games and gadgets.

He’s had it his way before but he’s clearly not as smart and capable as you. Many weak men are happier when their smarter wives are hobbled by lack of money and commitments to children so they can get their status from being a provider. He will be unhappy that ‘you’ are making him feel inadequate but you have to protect yourself and your children.

Sorry you have yourself a disappointing man. Dont feel guilty about standing up for yourself.

I think ‘I’m walking round with shoes that are fit for the bin’ whilst husband spends money on expensive tech kit is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read on here.

After you’ve moved heaven and earth to relocate do you honestly think he’s going to change?

Have you ever sat down and really thought about what this man brings as a husband and father? Other than debt?

(Gosh, that sounds harsh, but I also suspect he will be so resentful at having to move he’ll just get worse.)

Until the debt is paid, the tech should stop or maybe as a compromise a small equal budget you can each spend on whatever you want each month (£50 ?) as this might help set longer term spending habits.

Also ask him to show you credit report each month until paid off and no big holidays etc.

Also occasional 1.5 hour commute are not really unreasonable - some people do this every day. You should factor in commuting cost Vs mortgage prices if you move through.

Sounds like you're making all the sacrifices here OP and not him. He must be a very wonderful person for you to tolerate this level of going without.

How can you possibly continue to put up with this man OP?

I remember reading your original post and thinking that he's a deceitful and selfish man, but the fact that you're going around in shoes that are fit for the bin, while he CONTINUES to spend money that he actually doesn't have - because he still owes YOU, seems mad to me! Put your foot down, tell him that ALL LUXURIES for HIM STOP until he has repaid ALL of his debt. He is the one who has spent beyond his means, and you're actually still supporting him in doing this, by letting him have this expensive tech, which presumably he doesn't actually NEED, and yet YOU are the one walking around in shoes that sound like they're well past their sell by date. You're either a fool, or delusional if you think this man will change - HE WON'T!! I'm sorry, I know that sounds blunt, but people who behave as he's done, don't change. If he was GENUINELY sorry for what he's done, and planning on changing, he wouldn't be buying anything that he doesn't actually NEED until he's paid off what he owes YOU, but no, he's STILL SPENDING money, while you go without. Stop being a martyr, find a place near London that works for you and the children, and leave him, as otherwise he will ALWAYS bring you down, and you will always end up living in fear that he'll get you into a mess that you can't get out of.

Once again, sorry for being so blunt, but I really do feel that you need a wake up call.

He should be using all his spare cash to pay back the loan not buy tech. Or is he actually getting into more debt to buy the tech?

I know it’s too late now but you shouldn’t have taken the loan out in your name. I would also be asking for proof he has used it to clear the loan.
I’ve been in debt before so I’m not judging him for that but I think he should be responsible for it, especially if he has a poor attitude.

Thanks for the replies everyone, I do appreciate your concerns, I have the same ones. I honestly don’t feel strong enough to contemplate leaving him,for one I love him but also so much has happened since my youngest was born 7 months ago. Baby has been hospitalised three times, once with a serious infection, my father died unexpectedly and my car was written off in an accident and I haven’t had the money or confidence to go out alone and choose/buy a new one without any sensible second opinion (husband doesn’t drive and knows nothing about cars). I feel swamped with worry most days honestly, I try and put a brave face on it so the children don’t grow up in a home with a horrible atmosphere made by my anxiety and sadness,but yeah I feel pretty hopeless,like any chances of making a good life for us are fast slipping away. Sorry this thread got me thinking about things again and I’m feeling so sad!

OP, I'm so sorry to hear that you've been going through such a tough time lately, and lost your Dad as well, no wonder you're feeling sad, so I'm sorry if I was tough on you in my post earlier today, and please accept my condolences on the loss of your Dad.

If you don't want to leave your husband at this stage, then I honestly think that you need to at the very least, put your foot down about all this new stuff he's still buying, and insist that before any more comes into the house, you want to see proof that he has paid off ALL of his debts. If you want to, you could tell him that because he hid these debts from you, until he was forced to ask for your help, you don't feel you can trust him with money any longer, and so if he really wants to prove that he's a changed man, he will go along with this, and you could indicate that failure to do so, could be the end of your marriage, as at the very least he should be made to suffer in some way for the difficulties he's put you in, and the upset he has caused.

With regard to your car situation, rather than risk buying a dud because you have no one to advise you, if you can afford it, it might be worth paying the AA or RAC to do a pre-purchase vehicle inspection for you. I just Googled it, and prices start from approximately £116-£142 for basic checks, to over £200 for advanced, detailed reports. This might sound a lot, but if you can stretch to it, you might save yourself buying something that is a whole heap of trouble, or even something like a 'cut and shut', which if you don't know the term, is a 'dangerous, often illegal vehicle, created by welding together the undamaged sections of two or more written-off, crash-damaged cars to form one "new" car', so in your shoes I'd feel happier if I had something like that done.

I do hope things improve for you soon, but please put your foot down with your husband, and don't let him think that all is forgiven and forgotten, as he really shouldn't be spending money on stuff that he doesn't really need, whilst still owing you, and others money.

Sending you a 'cheer up' hug.

What brilliant advice from @SunMoonandChocolate . If you live rurally (as I think you do?), having a car will feel very freeing and will build your confidence overall. (I once had a car written off by a hungover teen in a onesie, fgs, so I know your pain!)
You do sound very overwhelmed, and you’ve been through such a lot. Is there someone you can talk too IRL?

Thank you so much for your reply @SunMoonandChocolate im really touched you’d go to the effort of researching car checks for me,thank you.
Ive tried to talk about my concerns again with my husband but he’s dismissed them, calling me gloomy and justifying his tech buys as bargains. It’s horrible loving someone who’s attitudes are so incompatible

No problem, but does this help you to see that an absolute stranger will go out of their way to try and help you, whereas your own husband can only think of himself?

I think you really need to scream and shout at him, and when he tries to fob you off tell him 'You're not listening to me!' Then point out that bargains aren't bargains when you don't have the money to pay for them, they're just leading you further down the path of DEBT! Maybe add up how much he's spent on these 'bargains', and point out that that money could have been used to pay off his debt, which would make you very happy, but your happiness clearly doesn't matter to him, and see what he says to that. If he says 'of course your happiness matters to me', then tell him to prove it by stop making all these purchases, and paying off his debt once and for all.

Much as I hate to say it after what you told us yesterday, I really don't think this man will ever make you really happy OP, as while he may be the sun and the moon of your universe, you clearly don't mean the same to him. He's just plain selfish, and this really won't change, however much you want it to.

If you feel that you need a friend to talk to, please feel free to PM me, as it sounds like you're very alone.

I fail to see what he's bringing to the table. He's draining the family finances with his poor decisions and his compulsive spending and it sounds like he's not contributing on a practical level either.
It's ultimatum time. He needs to enter the world of grown-ups, stop spending, communicate like an adult. And you need to either put your foot down, OP, and take control over your finances, where you live and what job you do, or leave.
Sorry to be so blunt.
💐

You’ve had some great advice OP. Keep gaining strength and Independence day by day (stop asking your husband’s view on things like the car. Trust your instincts, you know best) and you will get yourself out of this situation.

@ForHappyCat You are being realistic, not "gloomy". His dismissal of your fair comments show that his attitude towards spending has not changed. Very convenient for him that if he gets into debt, he has you to bail him out.

You and your DC deserve better 💐