What should I do for the best?

[worriedsickson19]

I am looking for advice, but please be kind as I am really struggling right now.
2 DC’s, 19yr old DS (have posted about the struggles with him before) and 16yr old DD. Have been divorced for 7 yrs, kids 50:50 with their Dad when he isn’t drinking, then they choose to stay with me. DD has become more volatile over the last year, is angry all the time and I feel like I am walking on eggshells.
I have been with my partner for nearly 6 yrs, we are engaged and have set a date for 2027 wedding. Over the past few years we have done holidays/weekends away, with all or some of the kids, he has 3 kids, 2 older and left home, one 17yr old DD still at home. My DD enjoys her company and they always have a good laugh when we go away together. We have decided that the time is right to move in together, so in the autumn of this year, he will sell his house and move into mine, with his DD, who will be able to chose how much time she lives with us and how much time with her Mum. Both my kids are used to seeing him around as he always stays with me when his daughter is with her Mum and my DC’s would/should be with their Dad. Over the last 6 months, they have been mostly with me, so have seen more of him.
My DD has totally lost it, she is very angry about him moving in and will shout and swear at me, is moody, won’t talk to me, takes things the wrong way and refuses to communicate and says that she hates me and hates being at her Dads and once my partner moves in, there won’t be anywhere that she feels happy.
I am devastated about this as him moving in will be such a relief to have the emotional, practical and financial support that I am desperate for and have waited so long for, to put the DC’s needs first. I know that she is struggling with her emotions, worried about her Dad and has the pressure of exams and she feels that she shouldn’t have to have a “stranger” in her home and that she doesn’t want or need a Father figure in her home.
I am genuinely devastated and having to tell my partner that she doesn’t want him here, when he thinks the world of her, is killing me. I feel like an emotional punchbag right now, she physically hit me late last year when I had to make a decision that she didn’t like (safe guarding issue), which has been really tough for me.
Am I being unreasonable, should I put her first and tell my partner we should wait for another year?
or Am I being reasonable and crack on with it and hope she see’s all the good things about having him living with us?

Honestly? I wouldn't move a partner into a home of teenage DC with multiple issues and an alcoholic Dad unless they were absolutely on board with it. I'm sorry, I know that isn't what you want to hear. I was the child of a widowed parent and I would've absolutely despised having my Dad's partner move in when I was a struggling teenager.

This.

You're desperate for him to move in.

Are you desperate enough to lose your daughter over him moving in?

Of course you should put your daughter ahead of your BF at this point on time.

I think that this is a bad idea. You could damage both your relationships. Your daughter, who is at a difficult age will feel unheard and may feel you are not listening to her needs. Your partner, by moving him into a hostile environment where he isn't wanted, especially if he is selling his house, where does he go if it doesn't work out? I think I would put it on the back burner till your daughter feels more onboard. I would also try and open communication with her about the families plans moving forward and ask her for input whilst letting her know your wants and needs. I think it needs to feel like a family/joint decision to blend both households.

Am I being reasonable and crack on with it and hope she see’s all the good things about having him living with us?

What are the “good things” about him in regards to your daughter?

Please can you explain how him moving in will benefit her?

For me it depends on whether she wants to leave home at 18. If she is 16, then you know what sort of path she is on? Is he heading down the uni route? Or will she need more time at home?

If she is very likely to leave home in around 2 years then personally I would think that is a good compromise for a family to make. 2 years is nothing, especially as that time includes selling a house, which can take a while.

I would say to her that you understand, and will start the process next year, aiming for him to move permanently after she leaves home. If she is reasonable then that should be very appreciated, and quite meaningful that her mum is obviously putting her first.

I'm surprised at the previous responses tbh. You are getting married next year having been together 6 years and people are saying you shouldn't be living together?! You can't have a 16 year old dictating everything. Your house, your rules. It seems you have been very fair to your dd all along. Now is the time to put the foot down.

Having him move in when she's expressed how much she doesn't wave that, would be unfair to him and his DD.

I know that 6 years is a good while and you haven't rushed into the decision, but no good will come off it.

Is she on a pathway to go to university at 18? If so, I'd leave it till then.

I also think a buying a new home is better, as she won't see it as her space being invaded and your fiance will also see it as a new home for both of you.

I empathise with how challenging this must be for you.

I cringed when I saw you were getting married. You need to put the brakes on. Your kids need you. They’re dealing with a lot and probably need conselling. It’s a recipe for disaster moving a dp and his dd in. Your kids are nearly adults. Wait a few years.

my DD is almost 18 and I definitely would not have moved anyone in when she was 16. Yes it is hard having to sacrifice relationships etc, but i’d be waiting until she is 18. Not least because she has made it clear she doesn’t want this. I know that’s hard on you, but I personally could not go ahead now she has voiced her concern.

How condescending. Why cringe that someone is getting married , they're together 6 years!! Are you some sort of weird prude?

@outerspacepotato I’m not sure desperate is the right word. Keen maybe, we have been together a long time, the emotional and practical support would be lovely, the financial side too as I currently am hanging on by my finger tips!

@sundayvibeswig22didnt think getting married was so awful? We are getting married during the summer next year and she will head to Uni in the September. Wanted her to be involved before she went away.

@differentnameforthisthreadI agree in the most, O have struggled with the decision due to them both having so much going on. But she always said she liked him, happily comes on holidays with us and never said a word about not liking him. It was not a shock for her as Onhave always been honest about future plans. But as her Mum I will always out her first. My thoughts are more around the sense check I am getting from my friends and family that her behaviour/reaction is a bit entitled. Which is why I am unsure what to do for the best.

So the wedding is summer 2027? Honestly, I would wait and see how things are in a year or so. A year is a long time when you’re 16. I would also suggest the partner move in (if your DD is on board with it by then) with his own house rented out to begin with.

If she doesn’t come round, I wouldn’t force it. She’s at a really vulnerable age.

we would live to buy a new home, LBT in Scotland is ridiculously expensive, would work out about £70kp which I would rather use in them!

@StickytoffeetarttI know, I swing between your thoughts and those of the others 😞

@Toomanyclothesinthecloset I am not sure she will ever be on board after the things she has said recently. What age is appropriate to move him in? Meanwhile the house needs repairs I can’t afford, can’t sell as need to do the repairs and stuck in an asset rich, very cash poor situation. She could stay at home for years, 5 yrs at Uni in Scotland isn’t unheard of. Maybe she will be in a better place at 18yrs?

There is a big difference between mum's boyfriend staying over (although you say that's when they should/would be at their dad's, so even with them not seeing that much of their dad over the last 6 months, is that really that often?) and mum's boyfriend moving in.

I'm generally not an advocate of letting teens rule the roost - I'm the adult here - but your daughter is obviously not comfortable with this and I get the feeling that it's not just to stamp her authority on the situation. It sounds like she has had quite an unsettled relationship with her dad which, added to GCSE year stress, will not be easy. This sounds like it will be a massive shift for her and raising it while she has all of this ongoing was probably not the best plan.

The fact that she likes him doesn't mean she wants him in her space all the time - it would mean taking away her comfort and safety.

You absolutely deserve to be happy, and have a life outside your kids, especially as it looks like she will be moving on in a couple of years for university. I agree with PP that if you do go ahead with this, moving him into your shared space isn't the way to go - you need to look for something that accommodates everyone.

And financial reasons are not the best reason to push this forward (just as an aside)

@ImFinePMSLthere are certainly benefits for us all, mostly financially from her perspective, including making repairs to the home and having nice days out together, paying for her to get a nice haircut, even just picking up something nice for a treat at the supermarket without worrying how I will pay for the rest of the weeks groceries. We do lots of things together right now that cost very little (she gets everything she wants from her Dad, designer gear, luxury holidays, jewellery etc). It would be nice to do a few things like going to the cinema, get our nails done etc.

Your DP has it cushy. Selling his home so he and his DC move into yours whilst he has the proceeds of the sale. What do you get out of it ?

@MrsMoastyToastywell, I am not that stupid, our assets will be appropriately amalgamated with advice from solicitor and a prenup. What I am getting from it seems a love, being cherished, having my needs as a partner met in a daily basis, emotional support, practical help, fun, a future with a person who doesn’t want me to be anything other than me. Oh and financial stability for the future. I think all these things make me a very happy person, in a very happy relationship, that I know I deserve as does he.

You've decided to bring some random man that she had no choice about, into her home permanently. She will have no refuge because her dad is not fit to parent. If I was her, I'd be angry and hurt too. You are effectively saying that her feelings don't count. That you care more about some man who already has a comfortable home, than you do about her, who will not.

Could you not wait until her a'levels are out of the way and she can spend most of her time at university?

I have a 17yo ds and am waiting until September when ds will be absent and I can date openly without harming our relationship.

So all the benefits for your daughter will be materialistic. Nothing will benefit her welfare. Gotcha.

I wouldn’t tell your dp your dd doesn’t want him to move in. I would explain to your dp she’s struggling and you don’t think it’s fair to disrupt her life further right now and you will re visit it in a year.

Did you sit down and have a conversation with her about him moving in?
About why you would like him to move ect and her feelings?