What should I do for the best?

[worriedsickson19]

I am looking for advice, but please be kind as I am really struggling right now.
2 DC’s, 19yr old DS (have posted about the struggles with him before) and 16yr old DD. Have been divorced for 7 yrs, kids 50:50 with their Dad when he isn’t drinking, then they choose to stay with me. DD has become more volatile over the last year, is angry all the time and I feel like I am walking on eggshells.
I have been with my partner for nearly 6 yrs, we are engaged and have set a date for 2027 wedding. Over the past few years we have done holidays/weekends away, with all or some of the kids, he has 3 kids, 2 older and left home, one 17yr old DD still at home. My DD enjoys her company and they always have a good laugh when we go away together. We have decided that the time is right to move in together, so in the autumn of this year, he will sell his house and move into mine, with his DD, who will be able to chose how much time she lives with us and how much time with her Mum. Both my kids are used to seeing him around as he always stays with me when his daughter is with her Mum and my DC’s would/should be with their Dad. Over the last 6 months, they have been mostly with me, so have seen more of him.
My DD has totally lost it, she is very angry about him moving in and will shout and swear at me, is moody, won’t talk to me, takes things the wrong way and refuses to communicate and says that she hates me and hates being at her Dads and once my partner moves in, there won’t be anywhere that she feels happy.
I am devastated about this as him moving in will be such a relief to have the emotional, practical and financial support that I am desperate for and have waited so long for, to put the DC’s needs first. I know that she is struggling with her emotions, worried about her Dad and has the pressure of exams and she feels that she shouldn’t have to have a “stranger” in her home and that she doesn’t want or need a Father figure in her home.
I am genuinely devastated and having to tell my partner that she doesn’t want him here, when he thinks the world of her, is killing me. I feel like an emotional punchbag right now, she physically hit me late last year when I had to make a decision that she didn’t like (safe guarding issue), which has been really tough for me.
Am I being unreasonable, should I put her first and tell my partner we should wait for another year?
or Am I being reasonable and crack on with it and hope she see’s all the good things about having him living with us?

I wouldn’t move him in in these circumstances both for your daughter’s sake but also because I suspect your relationship won’t survive it. She’ll be foul to him and it sounds like she’s already quite fragile mentally. I think there is little to no chance of her suddenly coming down one morning and changing her mind- I suspect she’ll get worse rather than better.

I would honestly wait another year or two until she’s more stable. If she’s 20, about to finish uni and should be starting to find her own way I would feel differently but not at this age.

It sounds to me like because of the difficulties with her dad she sees your house as her safe place and is very upset/ anxious about this being compromised by your partner and his kids moving in. I can see her point too- it’s a massive change and even if you do like someone then you don’t necessarily want to see them day in day out. I know for a fact I’d have hated it at that age, however nice the man.

Wait until she leaves home- or at least another few years.

Liking someone isn’t the same as being ok with them moving into your home! Surely you know people you like but can understand this doesn’t mean you’d be comfortable to live with them?

Even while she is at uni it is still her home. If anything during that transition is when young people need to know that home is their stable and secure base to come back to. She will likely still be back for 1/3 of the year, at least.

All of your reasons for doing this are because it’s what you want. You say you put your children first but aren’t doing so. They’ve clearly had disrupted and traumatic family experiences and their home with you had been their one safe space and now you want an unrelated man to move into it which will completely change the dynamic and obviously be uncomfortable and unwelcome. Would you want one of your children’s partners moving in with you?

If joint holidays etc work, and clearly your relationship has been fine for years while living separately, then keep doing that. Don’t force an unrelated adult into your children’s home against their wishes. You will likely destroy your relationship with her if you ignore what she’s said and do this anyway.

I really don’t understand why you would prioritise living with a man over your children’s happiness, especially during such a crucial stage of development where to become independent adults they need to feel really secure with their family and home and that this safety net is there, not that you’re trying to change everything as soon as she is away for some of the time. It gives the impression that you planned all of this and have just been waiting until you can get rid of her, that you don’t really consider it her home too, at a time when she most needs to feel secure and wanted and missed so that she can spreads her wings with that safety net there if she needs it.

This is really toxic, especially the timing of it which seems very deliberate and of which I am sure she will be acutely aware. If you proceed with this I doubt your relationship with her will ever recover. Why can’t you just wait 5 years and move in with him then if you still want to do so?

@Worktillate thank you for this balanced view, it has been very useful. I don’t think I have explained the situation very well, the decision is not set in stone, we have discussed with both families for a number of years and there has been nothing to suggest my DS wouldn’t be happy. It was only when we suggested a time frame that this situation started and I came here to ask for thoughts as I am clearly getting different thoughts and advise from friends/family and my DC’s. To be honest I am very hurt at some of the assumptions that people on here have jumped to. Your response was firm but measures and I appreciate that. Thank you

I think you’re getting an unfair bashing here, OP. This isn’t some stranger, you’ve been together 6 YEARS. Lots of the posters will be married and will imagine that should they be single they would never meet anyone ever again.
My mum met someone when I was 16, they married when I was 21. I lived in my mums house and she moved into his, would that be a long term option?

I understand your reasons for wanting him to move in but your DD is 16, presumably doing her GCSEs, while it sounds like her dad is struggling with his drinking. I think him moving in sounds like it's all too much for her. I think maybe hold off until after her exams and she has settled into college, there's just so much going on with16-18 year olds.

She HIT you?! No, she's old enough that that is totally unacceptable.

I wouldn't let her have the final say over this. I think she's learning that she can bully you and she'll get her own way, which is not a great path to be going down.

@theonlygirl she is doing her Highers and as we live in Scotland she could go to Uni in September, but will probably stay on for another year as she is young for her year and go to Uni September 2027

@ScarlettSarah, yes, it hurt me so much, psychologically, I have really struggled with her behaviour since then to be honest.

@DeluluTaylorthanks 😞 I think I am traumatised after reading these responses

I'm sorry for your situation but 'traumatised'? I agree with pp that your DD remains your priority at least until she is 18, if not older. Your current home IS her safe place and moving your DP and his daughter in, no matter how well you all get on when on holiday, is completely different. Your time will come but for now park the wedding and perhaps think about both selling up and buying somewhere jointly post marriage. Wishing you lots of luck 💐

I agree.

I just laughed at someone describing her fiance and partner of 6 years who stay at over and they holiday with as a random man!

I think you need to get to the bottom of why your DD feels this way? What are her actual concerns? There is always a conversation to be had and a balance to find but I dont think you should just not go ahead because you are also entitled to a life.

I guess it was OK as a vague idea in the future but not as an imminent reality. Your DC are so nearly ready to strike out on their own, couldn't you manage to give them another couple of years before moving DP into their home? You say you don't want to upset DP by saying DC doesn't want him there, but he's a grown up and he should know that this has been said. It doesn't mean they don't like him, just that they want home to remain as normal for a bit longer. And both your children may prefer not to be involved in the lead up to the wedding as much as you are assuming. It's something for you, not for them. Hopefully they will be there on the day and be happy for you.

Her behaviour is telling you how much it hurts her to have her only secure home taken away from her by a mum who appears to think thing like house repairs and trips to a nail bar are relevant in comparison to her feelings.

Enjoying holidays with your partner and his daughter are in a completely different league to sharing a home with them. Speaking from experience, you will lose her trust forever if you go ahead with something she’s clearly telling you will make her unhappy.

If your relationship is as good as you say, waiting a few more years before marriage will do it no harm.

Bollymolly teens are quite materialistic, these things matter more than you think.

I would have hated this and would have been really panicked. I also don't see why you need to get married.

They don’t matter as much as stability and a reasonable sense of control over who you share your home with. The OPs daughter is clearly telling her mother that they don’t matter as much to her.

No, I would defer moving him in until things calm down.

Look you are not going to get the answers you want here. Personally I think you are entitled to have a life and that you daughter is pretty much emotionally black mailing you.

My 9 year old wanted me to stay single until she left home. I declined. She is now 21. Did it change her life - yes absolutely. Was it all good/bad. No. Do I regret it (for the changes it forced on her). Sometimes.

But she’d still say I’m one of her best friends. So can you talk to her enough so that she can at least see your point of view? Will she be living at home post 18? Will she be going to uni? What’s her solution? Because just saying she doesn’t want it so you can’t don’t it is a total fuck you.

I’m going to ask her to post on your thread. Then you’ll have a non MN point of view. Because I always feel that being asked to sacrifice your entire life for your kids and to be permanently guilt ridden is a curiously British MN point of view. And we live in France where kids fit round parents and not visa versa.

A 9 year old is still a child whose views do not equate to that of a 16 year old imo. Of course you wouldn't wait until 'she left hime' another 9 years at least. The OP has just 2 years until her daughter leaves for uni.

@BollyMollyits not about the material things, she has everything that she materially needs and more from her father. It’s about having the time and a little bit of finance to do things together, make memories, do fun things together, and I find that if we are doing things like that she tends to open up and talk, a bit like when they were little and they used to tell me things in car journeys!! I don’t have a materialistic bone in my body, I left a very, very wealthy marriage and now work my fingers to the bone, just to keep the roof over our heads, but that is better for all of us and especially for my DS. It is so important to me that she understands that a healthy relationship is more important than the trappings of a wealthy partner who is detrimental to your health and wellbeing. I would love to have more time to spend with her, we spent last night making dinner and playing board games, it’s lovely having this time. Would more financial stability help with more time and a wider variety of things/activities we could do? Of course it would, I could work less, she could choose to do things with me that her friends do with their Mums and I could contribute towards things she wants to do with her friends. I don’t out finances before my daughter, I am just very aware that a little spare cash can support us in doing more fun stuff together. BUT if she is not happy, non of this matters and we will talk about it and make the right decision for her.

You have to wait two years. That's all. It's hard for you but losing your daughter is much harder. You need to focus your energies on getting her ready to fledge, into an independent life that fulfils her and gives her enjoyment.

Then it's time for YOU.

Fuck this up and you'll end up with dependent depressed children forever. Don't do it. Bide your time.

Would more financial stability help with more time and a wider variety of things/activities we could do? Of course it would, I could work less, she could choose to do things with me that her friends do with their Mums

You do know that this is YOUR job to provide financially for your children. Not your partners. Your partner is NOT your daughter’s parent.

I honestly can’t believe what I am reading.

Im not sure this sound like the best idea. Not because you've not been together long enough but cos your children aren't on board. However, at your position I'd be future thinking. Your children cannot dictate how to live your life when they are nearly adults. If you'd known him a year I'd say don't do it but you want a life together and your daughter is being quite selfish.

I do wonder how many people who have replied to you have actually experienced single parenting whilst maintaining a relationship. It's very very hard and you deserve support and a kind and loving partner. Your daughter will leave home and you will be on your own. Those who always chime in to wait u til the children are older have probably never experienced life on their own for a prolonged period. Never dated in their 40s or later and never known the financial and emotional struggle single parents face. It's bloody hard and if you have a kind and supportive partner to share it with who is not harming your almost adult child I wouldn't let this stop your chance at happiness. Life is very short and you've not rushed things.

I do think to compromise you but sell and buy a new home for you and all of your children. My children wouldn't be happy sharing our space, With anyone. When I move in with my partner of four years we are buying together as a new start for all, and they are all on board with that.

@ImFinePMSLso could you on your salary alone pay the mortgage on a house, pay all bills, pay for all holidays, day trips, a teen’s designer clothes, pocket money. It’s really hard! Not only hard to do because of the gender pay gap but because the responsibility of bringing up children largely falls on women after divorce. OP has already mentioned he is unreliable.
It’s very difficult to be the main breadwinner, have a fantastic career and salary and be a single parent without a reliable co- parent, have you got personal experience?
I do and I’m hanging on by a thread. If I prioritise my career, I become a shit parent, if I’m a brilliant, present parent, work complain. You can’t win.

I’m not sure how your comment is relevant to the OP’s situation? Also, my situation isn’t relevant either, so I’m not sure why you’re asking…

The OP thinks moving her partner and his child into her daughter’s home will benefit the daughter because it means the OP will have more money for “mum and daughter things”. At the expense of the daughter’s emotional welfare and security.

Her daughter’s welfare should be the OP’s top priority here.