‘DH’ is this ok or downright uncaring?

[Betty1305]

I currently have a high grade urine/kidney infection. Yesterday I went to the out of hours gp and was prescribed antibiotics.
DH drove me to the appointment and then took me to the pharmacy and picked up my prescription.
I am in a very bad way, extremely bad pain, fever etc.
Last night he came up to bed (I was already in bed) and I tried to take one of my antibiotics. I swallowed it down but almost immediately had to vomit. I ran to our en-suite and was sick, a lot. I must’ve spent at least 10-15 minutes in there.
He was not asleep when I went into the bathroom, yet he didn’t get up to check on me. I could’ve passed out or needed help. When I came back in he was snoring.
AIBU to feel this is very uncaring? He’s not especially caring at the best of times, but this has tipped me over.

The best way to measure a man is either to say no or be ill.

Yours measured in hell. Now you know that what do you want to do?

Hes told you who he is, and where you feature on his priorities. You can't change that, you cant change how he thinks of you or how he treats you.

What do you do with that information now you know it? Thats another story.

That’s not great tbh.
Ask yourself this if you were with anyone even someone you only vaguely knew and the went off to the loo to vomit would you just go to sleep and leave them to it or check they were ok or needed anything?

I wouldn’t expect DH to check on me in the bathroom because I hate being sick and we both know I’d rather be left alone but I would be very upset if he knew how ill I was and just went to sleep!

Have you brought this up with him? What has he said?

Glad it’s not me! But when someone consistently treats you like this and tells you that you’re the one causing a problem then unfortunately it does make you doubt yourself.
This has got to be the final straw. Horrible arsehole.

This is a test for anyone , not just for men.

“The best way to measure a man is either to say no or be ill.“

it’s when you find out who the decent people are.

I wouldn't expect my partner to come into the bathroom and check on me, as I feel like an adult can throw up without assistance. But if he heard me throwing up and then there was complete silence for ages, I'd like to think he'd call out to make sure I was conscious. And if he was awake when I ran into the bathroom, I would expect him to still be awake when I came out, and to ask me if I was all right, whether I needed anything, if there was anything he could do etc.

From what you've said it sounds like this is a pattern with your husband, and you're right to want more care and support from him.

Considering how ill you are he really should have waited up for you or at least talked to you through the door. This isn't you just being sick but having an infection and a fever.

As you said you could have collapsed. Dh is incredibly caring and either would have spent the evening upstairs either in the same room as me or next door in the office where he could just put his head round the door to check on me. He would have googled NHS for all the stuff to look out for ie worsening condition and been watching for signs.

If this is part of a pattern for you I can see why you are questioning it.

@AutumnFroglets that is a brilliant saying and incredibly true.

Well yes. If I was posting on Pistonheads I would have swapped the sexes around but I'm not and this is a forum for mostly women so...you know *shrugs

The last thing I’d want if I’m throwing up is someone seeing me. I had a terrible sickness bug recently and shooed my DH away into the spare room to spare me my dignity.

Just depends on the individuals though. Also, did he have to be up for work this morning?

Did he make a fuss about taking you the appointment/pharmacy?

Sounds as if he thought he had done enough!

I would check-even if it was just shouting out.

I would have had to have been really exhausted to have fallen asleep whilst waiting for someone I was worried about to get back from the bathroom.

When you say consistently- do you mean you’re poorly a lot, or you’re generally not happy with how he is to you?

If he’s generally unkind, I retract my previous comment!

@Betty1305 i suffer from quite chronic kidney infections (even resulting in failure 12 years ago) so I get the wanting to vomit after antibiotics when in pain. My DH would leave me to it, I could be in loo for 30 mins at times, but wait on me hand and foot during the day. I don't think it’s uncaring from your DH’s side.

On our honeymoon, all of 6 days married, I had a dodgy oyster and was in the loo of our fancy hotel chucking my guts up. Heard DH approach from behind me and thought ‘oh, my darling new husband is coming to hold my hair back!’

He was walking over to shut the en-suite door, which is what I realised as the door slowly slid shut 😂

He is, however, utterly terrible with vomit, and if he is aware someone is being sick there’s a fairly strong chance he will also start being sick. I did know this but while chucking up I’d forgotten! He’s an otherwise fantastic partner and dad, it just means I have to do all the sickness bugs. Flip side, I am terrible with blood and so if DC injure themselves he is first on the scene as I am likely to faint 🙈

In and of itself I wouldn’t be hugely annoyed but only you know if he's otherwise crap and uncaring. It sounds like this may be the tip of a fairly rubbish iceberg from your post?

Awful behaviour.
My husband can irritate the hell out of me at times, but his kindness when I have been ill is consistent.

Two women I know have ended their long marriages because of Covid.
Having been loving wives to selfish men, catching Covid changed absolutely everything for them.
They caught it first and could not believe how poorly they were treated.

When their husbands caught it, they, for the first time in their marriages, matched the energy completely, one left to visit her sister as planned.
Both men were shocked, even more so to hear their marriages were now over.

Coincidentally both men have long Covid and life is very different and difficult after divorce.
Having been selfish fathers, their adult children are all very busy too.

Both their wives deeply regret not leaving 10 years earlier.
Don't waste your life, and certainly never go into retirement with a selfish man.
Hope you feel better soon.

It’s the first time I’ve had a kidney infection and it’s excruciating.
@GertieLawrence yes, he is like this generally. The type of person who would go out of his way for a stranger, and I’m pretty sure he would’ve checked on anyone else, just not me.
I think he thought he’d done his bit by taking me to the doctor.

At least you know OP.
Don't waste energy feeling angry.
Reach out to friends and family for help.
Shame him.
When well, make your plans to exit your marriage, if that is what you want.
Get well soon.

Oh for crying out loud..it was 15 mins!!! Why is a man with a job always seen as some kind of untouchable hero on here,? Like having a job means they can't possibly be expected to do anything else at all?

It wouldn't occur to me that vomiting might make you pass out. I'm an adult, I wouldn't expect anyone to be checking on me like that

DP had chemo..a known quantity for vomiting, I would still be ready with water to rinse their mouth...a drink or another source of support. Could not imagine falling asleep until I knew they were settled and comfortable. This is why we live together isn't it?
I can't believe the folk without imagination to think someone might collapse or deteriorate when they rush to the bathroom.

What an uncaring blissful life they must lead 🤦‍♀️

OP - this is fair warning 💐

Mine tends to go out of his way for other people too. It's called making yourself look good so its actually all about them.
But even he would've shouted out are you ok? He actually came downstairs the other night when I got up to see if I was ok as hadn't been feeling that great earlier.
For him to fall asleep whilst you were vomiting is unforgivable. If you become reliant on him in later years this is how you will be cared for. Not cared for.

Even if they were gone a while?

If I hear my husband being sick I don't expect it to be that long before he's back in bed tbh.

I'm really sorry this has upset you, @Betty1305. I’m not surprised it has. I was very unwell last year after an operation and spent several nights hauling myself out to the loo several times a night feeling like death. DH slept through it all (separate rooms but still - I had to flush the loo, keep washing my hands every time etc so although I tried to be quiet, I couldn’t be silent).

He's genuinely not uncaring but he simply doesn’t possess any nurturing instinct whatsoever, and after my illness he had to take over doing everything around the house for a while as I just couldn’t. But even though I was ill (just…less ill) I had to keep telling him how to do things. Ridiculously basic things. It really hit how - when he'd been laid up in bed not long before - I'd just quietly got on with it all, made sure he was OK, had food to eat, the house was ticking along, everything was under control and he honestly hadn’t needed to worry about a single thing.

It made me feel very lonely and upset and tbh I had to accept that there’s now nobody in my life who’s going to look after me when I’m ill, like my mum used to back in my childhood. It’s basically down to me I guess. A very hard and bitter lesson.

Nor me really.

And you were in the en suite.

I’d say the same about a woman. Nothing to do with being a man. What on earth are you talking about?

If you’ve got to be up for work and have no idea how long someone’s going to be in the bathroom for, I think it’s reasonable to get your head down.