‘DH’ is this ok or downright uncaring?

[Betty1305]

I currently have a high grade urine/kidney infection. Yesterday I went to the out of hours gp and was prescribed antibiotics.
DH drove me to the appointment and then took me to the pharmacy and picked up my prescription.
I am in a very bad way, extremely bad pain, fever etc.
Last night he came up to bed (I was already in bed) and I tried to take one of my antibiotics. I swallowed it down but almost immediately had to vomit. I ran to our en-suite and was sick, a lot. I must’ve spent at least 10-15 minutes in there.
He was not asleep when I went into the bathroom, yet he didn’t get up to check on me. I could’ve passed out or needed help. When I came back in he was snoring.
AIBU to feel this is very uncaring? He’s not especially caring at the best of times, but this has tipped me over.

Everyone is different and copes with illness/sickness differently. Maybe he meant to check up on you but fell asleep. My DF is exactly like your DH. It’s not great I agree, and frustrating, but if they have other redeeming qualities then I couldn’t get too worked up about it.

I have too much time on my hands today...

Look, OP, I'd usually agree with the first poster, but there can be more to him falling asleep.
My husband is 75, three decades older than me. When I had norovirus, by the time I ran to vomit for the fifth time, he was also fast asleep.😊
Normally he does absolutely what he can, very supportive, but had no idea what nv was.
I know you must be feeling horrible with that stuff, is it possible that your husband was awake worrying before and then dozed off?
I mean, my husband wouldn't think that I'd pass out, it hasn't happened in 20 years.
Unless he is really dismissive otherwise?

Get better soon, these infections are bitches. 💐

I personally wouldn’t expect him to stay up and wait for me but that’s because I quite frequently suffer with these as well as food intolerance and who wants to listen and wait for someone in loo wether it’s coming from either ends. Get you feel really shitty but if he is in other ways great and you’re happy then let it go. But to be fair it seems like this is a bit of a stretch from other issues you have with him.

I’m not sure actually OP, not without more information about what kind of partner he is generally. My OH tends to get snappy and irritable when he’s ill and prefers to be left alone. If I asked if he was ok while he was vomitting or even afterwards he’d be likely to snap at me something like ‘what do you think?’ So I tend to stay out his way and give him space. I suppose that could look quite uncaring to the outsider. I also don’t like being spoken to or have someone hovering around when I’m ill or in pain because talking back takes mental energy I don’t have lol. But I do appreciate acts of kindness like being made a cup of tea or brought tissues/painkillers or covered with a blanket.
So it depends how he usually is I guess.

Ok having read your updates I revise my answer! He’s a selfish uncaring knobhead.

Very crappy, you’re at high risk of sepsis with a uti that bad. He should be watching you like a hawk and ready to take you to a+e if you start going downhill. Intravenous antibiotics are the next step. Been there done that. Your life could be in danger. Urinary sepsis goes fast once it’s in the kidneys.

Kidney infections can be very serious (and it certainly seems as if yours is) and can leas to all manner of complications. If you vomited up your antibiotic you not only risk dehydration but sepsis and that he just went to sleep tells you everything you need to know about where you feature in his list of priorities.
I'm so sorry. He sounds horrible.

Dh wouldnt have come in. He would have shouted are you ok and if I said yes he would go to sleep (sleeps like the dead and just instantly drops off) if I said no he would ask what he could do

I like stories like this. Good on them.

I probably wouldn't have fallen asleep, but when DP and I were first together I wouldn't ever check on him if I could hear him vomiting, because when I'm ill I'm like a wounded animal and just take myself off and want to be left alone, and I have always assumed other adults are the same.
He actually asked me if I was angry with him after one bout of illness because I hadn't come to rub his back or bring him water. He was in the bathroom with access to water, and I would hate it if someone was rubbing my back when I was sick!
It opened my eyes to our completely different ideas of what someone needs in that situation. I felt awful and I'm much more "hand on" now, though DP knows to leave me be!
Maybe have a word with your DH and just see if he's a bit like me and fairly emotionally constipated when it comes to illness!

P.s. I'm so sorry you're unwell, and I do hope you feel better soon!

You do sound a bit dramatic op and that you would need him to check on you for some reason ?
I wouldn’t check on another adult being sick .. you’re an adult .. you can manage!
He probably went to sleep so he didn’t have to listen to you tbh .

What are you like as a patient, my DH is awful when he is ill so I just make sure he is regularly watered and leave him to it.

he will have known you hadn’t passed out as he would have been able to hear you.

In this instance it was a man. It usually is on MN when we're talking about one half of a couple wanting the other to do more and the sacred 'work' gets trotted out to excuse all kinds of selfish, uncaring behaviour. Unless you are a surgeon, pilot or similar, most jobs are not so bone crushingly awful that a bit less sleep is make or break. I'm a teacher, full time, single parent to two. I've managed through early childhood night-time waking, multiple mid-night bed wetting, early waking, domestic disasters requiring emergency call outs at 2am and still managed to go to work and function. It irks me that so much utter crap is excused cos 'work'.

You really want someone talking to you while you’re getting sick ?

The man drove you to the GP and then to the pharmacy and got your prescriptions. It’s not like he’s abandoned you and naff all.

It’s quite common for people to experience the need to vomit if someone is wretching in front of them - is it possible he experiences this ? If so do you want him coming to the door and needing to vomit alongside you - very romantic … very caring right ?

Im sorry you’re unwell and I hope you’re better soon. I think you need to communicate what you need from him. Men cannot read minds. Rest up.

What would your kids do if they were bleeding and being sick?! 😂

This is the wisest advice I’ve read on the internet

I had a severe reaction to a new medication I was put on and spent 12 hours vomiting, well a lot of it was dry heaving as nothing left. DH didn’t leave my side at all apart from to clean up, get bowls and call 111. I was taken to hospital by ambulance and he followed in the car. Being sick is not nice obviously but people can inhale or choke on vomit so need looking after, well that’s what we both think.

You sadly have an uncaring husband, hope you feel better soon.

Do you have kids?

I'd seriously be reconsidering the relationship

I’m sorry but if anyone is vomiting I’d literally run away. I can’t deal with it at all. I’ve told my partner if he ever gets sick I’m vacating the house and not coming back til he’s recovered and bleached everything. But it sounds like your husband just couldn’t be arsed rather than having an issue with vomit.

So he kindly took you to the drs kindly got your tablets and your annoyed he didn't check when you were being sick...erm nope I managed several months of being sick after complications with covid without wanting my hubby standing over me...if I had shouted he would have been there....why can some women not be happy that they did get some help constantly wanting more and more

So when a women is sick the man has to drop eveything and play nurse when a man is ill they are told to ''man up'' as they have man flu

Not trailing after me while I was vomiting would be fine because he knows I wouldn’t want him hovering anyways, but I think here the general issue would be is overall uncaring behaviour.

Maybe that’s just the people you know, I’ve never told anyone to “man up” when they’re legitimately sick, man or woman.

Everyone saying they hate vomit, wouldn't want to be hovered over etc, thats fair enough. But the fact that he was out cold and snoring after 15 minutes? Didn't wait up to see if after she was done he could get her some fresh water or whatever? Just because someone is a perfectly capable adult doesnt mean it's not a good thing to do to show care.

And @PollyBell as ever when that 'gotcha' is used, it's inaccurate. When.women.complain about men it's because they've taken.to.bed and done fuck all for days with the exact same cold the woman had the previous week and still cracked on and done everything. This situation is a serious urine infection. Not the same.

Interesting responses here as DH and I don’t feel we need to babysit eachother when we are being sick. We focus on letting the other rest and making sure the non-ill one has the kids. I don’t want someone bothering me while i’m ill.