‘DH’ is this ok or downright uncaring?

[Betty1305]

I currently have a high grade urine/kidney infection. Yesterday I went to the out of hours gp and was prescribed antibiotics.
DH drove me to the appointment and then took me to the pharmacy and picked up my prescription.
I am in a very bad way, extremely bad pain, fever etc.
Last night he came up to bed (I was already in bed) and I tried to take one of my antibiotics. I swallowed it down but almost immediately had to vomit. I ran to our en-suite and was sick, a lot. I must’ve spent at least 10-15 minutes in there.
He was not asleep when I went into the bathroom, yet he didn’t get up to check on me. I could’ve passed out or needed help. When I came back in he was snoring.
AIBU to feel this is very uncaring? He’s not especially caring at the best of times, but this has tipped me over.

My DP is ex army and falls asleep the minute his head hits the pillow. I think years of never knowing when he'd get any kip. I resent this massively lol!
So in that scenario he'd have been the same ie asleep before he realised what was going on. But he's an incredibly caring person when awake!. So for me it's less about this specific incident or whether this is a pattern for your dh.

How often do you throw up?
My sister throws up a heap (drinks too much and has a terrible diet) and I'll admit I just leave her to it these days as there isn't much I can do.

Cystitis is often caused by sex as it either causes slight swelling of the bladder (very energetic sex) or contamination. If it’s a sexual relationship and he is partly to blame for the bladder infection it’s even more upsetting.

What does that have to do with the op? She explains quite clearly what the cause is.

Thats a shitty thing to do, kidney infections can be incredibly painful.and require hospitalisation. My DH had a very bad health situation a couple of years ago and was bedbound for 6 weeks . I did everything including all his care and working PT ( HCP). A couple of months after he recovered I was injured at work and he looked after everything. ( retired so no work but house, pets, me shopping, cleaning etc) . Thats what a proper partner does. Unfortunately working in healthcare I have seen my fair share of partners that just dont give a shit.

Because a kidney infection can escilate very quickly and is a risk factor for sepsis?

How are you feeling @Betty1305 - any improvement in your symptoms?

I wouldn't have expected or wanted DP to assist me with vomiting, unless it was an unexpected reaction and I feared my condition was worsening alarmingly. In which case I'd probably be quite vocal about that. But if it's just an emetic reaction to drugs, it's unpleasant but normal and there's nothing he can do.

DP is extremely caring when I'm ill or injured. He'll feed me, make sure I rest, run out to get medicine (there's no mocking the dressing gown of doom in our house - deeply unpleasant behaviour). When I twisted my ankle hiking on holiday he virtually carried me to the nearest cafe then taxied to the nearest pharmacy to get me a splint and painkillers. I do the same for him. But we've never checked up on each other vomiting. It wouldn't have actually crossed my mind that he might have lost consciousness - one often stays in the bathroom for a while after vomiting to either make sure you're not about to vomit again or to just clean yourself up a bit.

He’s not especially caring at the best of times

This is the real problem though, isn't it. That's not something you should have to realise about your partner.

I've just had similar experience. I actually said to my husband I used to joke about going into a home for elderly, i wish there was one for ill wives, I would gladly book myself in and probably nev want to leave. My DH is a genuinely decent person but can be usless / lazy around the house. Huffs and puffs like a 12 year having to do anything. What the hell are we women supposed to do? 🤷🏼

Funnily enough, my DH does have a job where the safety of hundreds of people every day depends on him being focused and on the ball. Over the years I guess I’ve just got used to us putting that up there.

Thank you for all your responses.

Of course, everyone is different and has different feelings about what they need and how they display care for their partner. DH knows me well enough to know how I’d feel by now.

For context, DH is 45, not old. It was 9.45pm and he had just got in bed. I had expressed how ill I felt and would’ve just really appreciated him waiting to see how I was and show a bit of care. I wasn’t expecting the full Florence Nightingale experience.
I’m not often ill, don’t vomit often, and he doesn’t have issues with seeing vomit. My mum helped me make the doctor’s appointment and she, (as he’s my husband who was doing nothing else that day) had an expectation he would take me, hence him taking me.

Fortunately, I can feel a little improvement today, but still feel pretty shocking.

I feel like I’m in a relationship with someone who doesn’t like me very much, unless everything is going his way and I don’t present a single issue.

No idea why people want people pandering around them, you just have an infection.

Oh look the trolls have arrived.
Kidney infections can be fatal. Just saying.

I feel like I’m in a relationship with someone who doesn’t like me very much, unless everything is going his way and I don’t present a single issue

I think this is the nub of it really. I’m glad to hear you’re at least feeling a little better @Betty1305. Do you think your (maybe not so D)H would be receptive to a talk about how you’re feeling once you’ve recovered?

Indeed, OP, please make sure if you feel any worse, can’t stop vomiting etc, go to A&E. I had a kidney stone infected last year and ended up ambulance to hospital, worst pain I’ve felt in my life (and I’ve got a very high pain tolerance!) developed sepsis and didn’t come home for a week. Took me months to recoever.
Regards husband, as another poster said, my DH falls asleep sitting up sometimes, he’s that fast to fall asleep, But, if I woke him up to help me, he’d be up in a flash, would yours? When I got home from hospital, the house was immaculate, he’d got food in I’d like best etc and I was tucked up with a hot water bottle and did have the full in bed service for a week. Tell him how’s it made you feel. Tell him your very poorly and would like more support. See what his response is…and I hope you feel better very soon

Agree, this is the core issue.

If he loved you, your health and well-being would matter.
You don't, so it doesn't.

The number of women I know that realised this when Covid hit, is very sad.

A few divorced, but not all.
For some it really didn't suit them to, for a variety of reasons, great housing, great location, family and grandchildren.

But have they radically dropped the rope!
They no longer cook, nor do laundry.

The never went back to sharing a bedroom.
They holiday with friends, sisters and took up activities like bridge and are out of the house more than in.

Of course there was pushback.
They were told by all means to instigate a divorce if they want, but there will be no bending on this new living arrangement.
Illness over the past couple of years has been treated as a them problem.

It is a horrible way to end up in your late 60's and early 70's but their bank of giving constantly is empty.

Funny how Covid gave them that final clarity.
They certainly will not be doing or expecting caring duties.
Wider family are aware of the new "living together but apart" dynamic and have accepted it without many questions.
They invariably know that their fathers weren't very caring men, increasingly so, as their mothers aged, expecting kindness to be all one way.

I see in my own circle of women in their 60's, investing more and more in their network of female friends as they retire and make preparation for the next stage.

If that happened to me, I'd just want to be left alone to get over it.

I think wanting to be alone while womitting is one thing but not being able to rely on a partner to check you are ok afterwards is another.