To holiday alone with DD?

[HolidayOrNay]

DP has three older children and we have DD2 together. This summer, we are going on a ten day holiday all together to a camp site in the South of France, but I also really fancy a more relaxing break.

DP has said he won’t go on holiday with DD unless SC are there too. I don’t want to go for a week without her. AIBU to go on holiday with DD instead of DP?

A weekend away for a theme park is different, unless there are bits that younger one can take part in eg Disney which could cater for all ages. But I would be looking at it as you treat all 4 equally, not framing it as a holiday would be better if the 3 older ones weren't there.

You get many posts on here from adult step kids who resented one of their parents (usually the dad) doing holidays with his new family. Something they wouldn't have told their parents but can come on an anonymous forum and tell it how it really was when they were younger.

So many double standards here! If a weekend for a theme park is ‘different’ then OP & her DP should book a long weekend aimed at their DD’s interests (I can recommend CBeebies land or peppa pig world).. but I’m sure her DP wouldn’t agree to this either and people would still say this is bad.

I would understand if you were planning disneyland and dd was closer in age. But she's 2 and you want coffee and museums- essentially you want a nice holiday yourself and are happy to make it suit your toddler. She's 2 so that still works. That wouldn't work with older children, the holidays will always be based around them.

I think you need to nip this in the bud now or you're at risk of dh not doing any fun stuff with dd when her half siblings aren't around. She'll alwasy be much younger and there's more of them so she'll end up being the one missing out. Yanbu!

You seem to be massively projecting.

The only holidays this year are a weekend focused on SC fun and a 10day holiday focused on SC fun. They're hardly being left out. The OPs DD is though.

I don’t think I can live my life trying to preempt everything SC might possibly resent me for in future - I have adult friends who still say they resented their stepmums because they made them eat vegetables and do homework! I’m sure many SC would rather their parents stayed together, but that’s life. I didn’t cause their parents to split. Part of growing up is realising you’re not the centre of the universe. SC are good kids, happy, balanced and appreciative.

Their own mum goes on holiday with her younger children and her partner. I don’t see why I should be held to more self-sacrificing standards than their own mum, or why I should choose to deny myself or my own child happy experiences in case SC might feel secretly disgruntled about it and post on Mumsnet in twenty years!

You’re right, I do want a holiday for myself and it’s much easier to slot DD into that than four kids!

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable.
It’s you who also wants the more relaxing break.
Your partner isn’t unreasonable for considering his other 3 kids.
You are not unreasonable for just going away with your one child.

If he wants to take each of your SC away individually by himself can't he ask their mother for a night or 2 extra with each of them whenever would be convenient for her?

Well he's a total hypocrite then in that case. Why is it OK to leave the child he has with you behind and take his other 3 away but not the other way round?

He has in the past and she’s said no.

Did you miss my first sentence?

I don’t think DD should be left out of the theme park either.

DP shouldn’t be leaving any of his children behind which is seemingly his point re holiday.

Ah, that's a shame.

DD’s not going to the theme park because she wouldn’t enjoy it very much. She’d have to nap in the car, she wouldn’t like the queues, she is too little for most of the rides, they’re going at a time it’ll probably be cold and wet!

We’ll have a nice weekend at home seeing some of her little friends for a play date and going to soft play instead.

They don’t need to be lumped together all the time. I believe in treating them fairly, which doesn’t always mean treating them the same.

And you can bet more of the work of managing a 2 year old who's having to slot into a trip not planned around her needs would fall to you.

Yanbu anyway. He clearly understands that in a family with multiple DC over several years, sometimes it makes sense to do activities specific to some ages and stages but not others. That doesn't just apply when it suits him. He shouldn't be expecting you to leave a toddler away from their parents for a week either, plenty of people aren't at all ok with that.

@HolidayOrNay , that’s understandable for a theme park.

Holiday is probably a bit different as it can be arranged to be suitable for all, it’s just that you (understandably) do not want the other 3 kids on the holiday.

However DH (understandably) does not want to leave his DC out of a family event they could enjoy.

Is DH happy for you and DD to go alone? I think that’s probably best option. It’s what I would do.

If he wants to holiday without his children he should have kept his dick zipped up and not created 4 kids.

Given the age of the kid you have together- no this is not weird. She would not be able to go on many rides.

But do you not see how he is being hypocritical by taking the SC on a trip (leaving his youngest child) and won’t go on a family holiday with just her and you?

Every parent would like a relaxing holiday surely. Most parents aren't able to bring this to reality for various reasons, and those with four children in their lives are probably even less likely.

You said you wouldn't have chosen to have four children, yet you married and had a fourth with a man who had three and now you want a relaxing holiday?

In answer to your questions, should you go on holiday with DD, go for it, if you feel that a holiday solo parenting a 2yo is going to be relaxing.

If SC lived with us full-time, then I’d accept I wasn’t going to have a relaxing holiday. But they don’t. I am planning to have a relaxing holiday during the 75% of the year they live with their mum. Life doesn’t pause because they’re elsewhere.

How come dad has them so little?

...but they don't just evaporate when they're out of sight, they are your DH children 100% of the time and he's possibly feeling very conscious of his 25% input.

I think it's fine for you to go away without the SC.

It's a shame your dp feels too guilty to do things with his youngest child, while his older children are having time with their mum.

If you can afford to have another more slower paced little holiday as 3 people then he's the only one stopping that. I would absolutely go without him in this scenario.

I think he is being unreasonable as the SC get plenty of holidays and are getting the theme park holiday without your DD.

Personally I wouldn’t have found a holiday with a toddler on my own relaxing or something I’d want to do. And I’d prefer to go away just for a few nights with DH. But that was my situation. I wonder if that’s where he is coming from? Because he can’t claim it’s unfair on SC.

I’m wondering if he just doesn’t fancy a holiday with a toddler.

Bit weird for that to manifest as wanting his other child to be left away from her parents for a week.

Yanbu and I've been on holiday with just my dd before. Spending time together 1-1 away from normal life is truly lovely.