AIBU to be hurt and offended by husband suggestion of changing will?

[honeylulu]

I wondered whether to put this in legal matters but it's really about how I feel and if I'm being unreasonable to think like this.

Background - married to husband for 25 years (together 30). We have two children together, one a young adult at uni and I've just started secondary. This is my first marriage, he had a short marriage/divorce before we met. Neither of us have any children other than the two from our marriage. When our first baby was born we made mirror wills leaving everything to each other or if predeceased by spouse then to the children of our marriage (worded like that as we knew we would likely have another). Those wills have been in place for over 20 years. If it's relevant I drafted the wills as they were quite simple (I'm a solicitor, not a probate one but know my way around the basics).

Our house is the biggest asset, owned as joint tenants and no mortgage. There is also an age gap - he is 65 and I am 51. I'm also the higher earner and a lot of the lifestyle extras we enjoy (holidays, home improvements) are possible due to my income. We've both had modest inheritances over the years and put them towards paying off mortgage so completely merged into family assets.

Recently my husband's younger brother died suddenly. Still early days but he has left H half his estate. Won't be a vast amount but maybe 150k or so. H dealing with probate solicitors and remarked last week that we ought to get our wills updated (I don't disagree with that as some of the details are now out of date). The shock bit was that he said he is thinking of changing things so that I am only left a life interest in his assets so that they remain untouched for our kids to inherit when I die. Obviously that only applies to cash assets and chattels though he seemed to think it also applied to "his share" of the house (I reminded him that as joint tenants we dont have shares).

I am sensitive to the fact that he is shocked and grieving so we haven't talked about it properly. I did express some surprise and ask for the reason and he said it would be to keep his money safe for the kids in case I got remarried or conned by someone or it all went on care home fees. I have said fairly lightheartedly that I was quite offended as I also have our kids' best interests at heart and there is no way I would remarry etc for those very reasons. Being a lawyer, I'm extremely practical and risk averse.

I did ask why this change now, as it would have made more sense to insist on such a provision when we made the first wills in my early 30s, when it would have been a more realistic possibility that if I was widowed young that i could have remarried/had more children with someone else. He didn't explain further but I think the change is the inheritance he will now receive. I also suspect (which is why I have not pressed it further) that it has been prompted by his grief and sense/fear of his own mortality.

Why is it bothering me so much? It's not the money itself, it's the feeling that he doesn't trust me to do the best for our children. And our marriage vows - all that I have I share with you. It also feels a bit of a slap in the face that all the time I've had more income/savings I've been happy to share the benefits with the whole family but now he's getting a chunk of money he wants to keep it safe from me.

I'm not even sure it would be the best thing because if (assuming i do survive him) if I wanted to give the kids a house deposit or wedding gift I can only do that from my own funds. I couldn't give them anything "from dad" because his money would be locked up until I died.

So, am I right to feel hurt?
Or is he just being practical and sensible (and I should cut him some slack while he's shocked and grieving) considering I won't be left "poor" anyway? To be fair he's also suggested I should do the same in my will which would leave him worse off if I die first.

Sorry it is long. I didn't want to leave out/drip feed anything. There is probably more detail if needed but those are the main points I think.

He wants to leave that money to the children that’s all. Don’t read anything else into it.

If he wants to make sure the kids get that money, he should give it to them whilst he’s living so they can use it now.

I think losing his younger brother suddenly will have an impact on his current view of loss and his own mortality.

I would just park all of this for now, he’s grieving his brother and dealing with his estate/probate etc it’s not a good time to be having to think about all this.

He does just have your children’s best interests at heart, but I think overall it’s not something that needs looking at right now this minute.

Look at it in six months once things have settled a bit, you’ll probably by then both see things slightly differently.

I can understand why you feel like that but it is actually sensible for tax reasons and things like care home fees. If life feels unbalanced as you’re paying for the nice extras, whereas he’s now sitting on his inheritance, you can point that out later.

Agree, park it for a few months, then get some legal advice together.

I guess that the solicitor he is dealing with over the inheritance has been touting for business. There are pros and cons of being joint tenants and it might be worth you taking advice together about estate planning which would look at all eventualities. Go to a specialist estate planner, not just a solicitor.

Neither of you is unreasonable.

My parents had mirror wills like yours and after my dad died my mum very quickly remarried despite neither of them ever thinking they would. My dad knew he was dying and as a family we had a number of these conversations, so I know that if he knew mum would remarry he would have left us something directly. As it is, everything went to mum.

None of us can predict the future and if something happened then you are certainly young enough to remarry. From the sounds of it you don't actually need to be left a legacy if you're the high earner and you have a joint tenancy on the property.

Do you have concerns about your financial position if he were to leave assets to your children?

I would say sit with it for a while and then have a conversation once all the emotion has had a chance to mellow.

It would probably make sense to change both will ensuring the your children benefit from funds and maximising use of IHT thresholds when they make the biggest difference to them. Plus protecting assets against being used to fund care this would include changing the way the house if owned.

The way he put it does feel unreasonable but as a solicitor surely the idea of planning how money moves to the next generation should be on your agenda? Given his age, if he wants to protect you dc interest, it would be better to look at estate planning and think about leaving some of your money to your dc now. If you can afford it, perhaps have his brother’s inheritance go straight to them so it never forms part of his estate?

He’s being sensible. If you inherit a random chunk of money do the same. It’s really common for people to remarry later in life when someone dies - you can read countless stories on here about it. He might also be able to give it to them earlier to help with house purchases etc. might be some tax benefits too. Be open to it

Could he be shocked at the complications arising from his brothers planning? Has this come up in anecdotal conversation others and he sees the errors often made?

it’s certainly a conversation to have together. I think he is trying to get it right but I understand your hurt.

Same thing happened to me. With the Wills me and my partner were setting up if he died the way the Will was written I would be responsible for leaving his children half his savings. He didn't want that, he wanted it directly paid to them and not to go through me. He actually said to the solicitor "in case she gets carried away and buys 10 horses with it! "

I must admit I was surprised at his attitude as we've been together 26 yrs but he is very risk adverse. I was quite upset but then as I mulled it over I felt like he was just crossing the 'T's and dotting the 'I's.

It sounds like he’s not being practical or sensible to me! Understandably, losing a loved one and being confronted by death makes people think emotionally, not necessarily rationally.

I think he/you both should see a financial advisor.

I can see a logic in wanting to pass on the “extra” money inherited from his brother directly to your children, however I would want to know what the best way for that to happen would be, with regards to inheritance tax. Possibly gifting it to the children within his life time would make more sense? (But I don’t really know- I think professional advice is needed!). I think you can gift money tax free as long as you don’t die within ten years… but that would need checked.

I think you both need to take the emotion out of the equation and get some practical advice, to make it a more constructive and less hurtful discussion.

This is very tax inefficient. Leaving to your spouse incurs no IHT, and allows both partners to pass on their full IHT allowance to direct descendents. It is why so many wills are drafted like this.

If he wants to leave a specific sum to children, it is better to do this whilst still alive. It can be put into a Junior ISA or similar for your school aged child.

Wanting to check/ refresh a will is fine. But making a big unilateral change in a moment of grief is 1) financially unwise and 2) hurtful. Even if he does not mean those things.

Perhaps what you should both do, is book an initial meeting to explore options with a solicitor. Who will almost certainly recommend the course of action above/ an updated version of what you already have in place.

I think he is being sensible and you should do the same. Change the property to tenants in common so that you can both do what he suggests.

Thanks so much everyone for the responses so far. I need to start work now but I will come back to this later and respond to any questions. I'm really grateful!

It doesn't sound as though he "needs" the £150k inheritance and you (as a family) may be better off passing some or all of that straight to the children (directly or in a age related trust).

I don't understand your feelings of not being "trusted" or the "why now when you have some money" but I think you do have to take the emotion out of these discussions and take decent advice to provide for your children (and potential grandchildren)

If the children were a bit older (ie independent adults) it would be a wise move to give it straight them something like getting a codicile added to the DBil will so it doesn't get added to your estate and hence adds to inheritance tax. We did this for DM

When we were setting up our wills the solicitor asked if we wanted to put some things in life interest to protect for DC. We didn’t then. But we need to redo ours and as we have slightly more assets now it might be something we consider

I would be annoyed like you say he has been happy to enjoy the lifestyle because of your higher income, and now he's got some money he wants to keep it away from you. As a pp says, if he wants the kids to have it give it to them now.

But he is grieving right now so maybe just park for now and see if he brings it up again. It may also be pressure from family members as well

I think he's realising now that he will die before you and that you are likely to move on afterwards. I don't think he doesn't trust you- I think he's worried about you being stripped of "his" inheritage to the children by another man- a con man or simply by divorce.

You need to have a discussion where you will explain to him that even if you were to marry someone you would ringfence the children's money. You are a lawyer so surely you are better qualified to understand the implications of a second marriage than he is. Tell your dh that he needs to trust you to always have the childrens' interest at heart. And if he's worried about care fees then you can start giving your children capital now (3k/year).

My parents left their half of the savings each to children and grandchildren and their ‘share’ of the house to each other. To be divided between children after death of second parent. It’s quite sensible actually as your children get some inheritance (they are more likely to need it) even if second parent goes into a care home and fees take up remainder of inheritance and it means that money was protected from if the second spouse remarried /changes their mind.

There’s a few issues here

firstly, giving you a life interest in his share of the house is going to create issues with your kids - what if you want to move but you can’t afford to with just your half? Even if you ended up agreeing the money side I would insist the house is not

then there’s the idea that the savings you’ve built up came primarily from you - it would make sense to share them out in ISAs etc but then it’s bit his it’s both of yours

whilst I understand not wanting a second husband to get everything he is potentially leaving you in a shitty financial position

but regardless, I would tell him that this isn’t the right time to do this and he needs to grieve

That "don't understand" was meant to say "do understand", not allowing me to edit post

Given the age gap, does he have a good pension? Or is your income going to pay for him until you retire? If he wants the money to directly benefit the children, could he pay for university, or set up accounts for them specifically for house deposits, weddings etc. That way you wouldn’t be responsible for these extra big expenses.

I don’t know much about inheritance, there haven’t been any in my family. But what would be the point in you having a life time interest in savings? A house I understand, as you get to live in it until you die, but would the cash just sit there in an account that you, nor your children can touch?

I understand your feelings OP and when things are more settled, I'd tell him.

As an aside, if someone has the funds to pay care home fees l believe they should pay them. No one should expect an inheritance.