Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

As a mum I feel guilty about having time away from my kids and doing things for me.. AIBU?

71 replies

Hello55 · 07/02/2026 22:28

I am a mum to 3 kids, the youngest is 3. I work part time and as my husband works long hours I do the majority of childcare and managing the house.. I think this is fair due to the split in overall responsibilities in our household. I am feeling burnt out and low in energy at the moment. I don't often have time away from my kids, I could take time out some evenings and have recently joined the gym so was thinking to use the time to workout, loose some weight and get fitter. The problem is I feel guilty about taking this time out for me.. I feel as though I am somehow being selfish AIBU? Is it normal to feel this way as a mum? Is taking regular time out for yourself important? Does it make you a better parent? Will exercising make me feel less burned out and increase my energy levels and therefore make me a better parent? I'd appreciate your answers and personal experiences please as to what you do. TIA

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 08/02/2026 11:46

Your children will benefit more from a healthy role model with a life and personality of their own than a boring mummy martyr.

NotSmallButFunSize · 08/02/2026 11:49

FMLGFastMovingLuxuryGoods · 07/02/2026 22:49

Fuck that noise.

Mum guilt is something we all absolutely have to make the effort to shirk off. We’ve nothing to feel guilty about out. Motherhood takes away so much autonomy, it’s not a good idea to lean into feeling like shit.

And it’s also so, so good for our children to see us doing things for ourselves. They MUST see us not just as “mum” but a human being with interests and a life outside motherhood. Set a good example and show them motherhood doesn’t have to mean being a slave to your children

Absolutely this!

One of the best things you can do for your children's own self esteem is to model that you value yourself - they learn that we all matter, we don't land at the bottom of the list just because we're the mum or whatever.

Most "mum guilt" isn't even true guilt - it's shame. Other people's stupid standards that we have taken on as the "rules" about what we should be doing. Fuck them.

Hello55 · 08/02/2026 12:13

Mt563 · 08/02/2026 11:37

It's actually not helpful to your kids to be entertaining them 24/7, they need to be bored and learn independent play. Plus, I think it's important for them to see that housework doesn't do itself and also yo learn how to do it and help be part of keeping the house nice.

Thats a good point thank you

OP posts:
Hello55 · 08/02/2026 12:15

singthing · 08/02/2026 11:43

One of my oldest friends told me (childfree) that she was not just a mother.

She was a wife, a friend, an accounts manager, a lover, a cyclist.... She has two children (now adults themselves) and a very strong relationship with them and a good life.

Do you feel guilty for going to work? Do you feel guilty for sleeping?

I mean this with all kindness, but.... grow a bit of backbone here. You are not ONLY a mother. You are a grown woman living a life with interests and needs and wishes of your own as well. You are ALSO a mother.

I see what you are saying and you are right, I take this on board

OP posts:
99pwithaflake · 08/02/2026 12:16

If you dedicate your whole life to your kids, what will happen when they're all grown up and you have nothing?

IwishIcouldconfess · 08/02/2026 12:22

Hello55 · 08/02/2026 09:22

Thanks that person's comment did make me feel guilty. Some people can be mean especially when they can see someone is feeling bad about doing something anyway

It might have made you feel guilty, but you have got to stop being a martyr, there isn't a special place in heaven for you!

The cord was cut at birth you know

singthing · 08/02/2026 12:22

99pwithaflake · 08/02/2026 12:16

If you dedicate your whole life to your kids, what will happen when they're all grown up and you have nothing?

I saw this happen. A woman I used to work with had a sole goal of children. Her entire life revolved around them, even work conversations would inevitably spin off to something about them. She'd spend company resources and time printing off colouring pages for them...

When the youngest finally went to school full time, she was absolutely bereft. She had nothing else to talk about, nothing of her own, no interests, no pastimes. Her husband - who was a bit of a drip - turned out to be a bit of a drip for her too, now she had to actually interact with him a bit more without kids as a buffer. And this was just school hours - imagine if/when they finally leave home!

BendSinister · 08/02/2026 12:30

Hello55 · 08/02/2026 09:22

Thanks that person's comment did make me feel guilty. Some people can be mean especially when they can see someone is feeling bad about doing something anyway

So stop feeling bad. That’s your issue to work on, like any other bad habit.

99pwithaflake · 08/02/2026 12:35

singthing · 08/02/2026 12:22

I saw this happen. A woman I used to work with had a sole goal of children. Her entire life revolved around them, even work conversations would inevitably spin off to something about them. She'd spend company resources and time printing off colouring pages for them...

When the youngest finally went to school full time, she was absolutely bereft. She had nothing else to talk about, nothing of her own, no interests, no pastimes. Her husband - who was a bit of a drip - turned out to be a bit of a drip for her too, now she had to actually interact with him a bit more without kids as a buffer. And this was just school hours - imagine if/when they finally leave home!

I think it's really sad when women forget that they lived for 20+ years without their children and that they don't need to throw all that way just because they've given birth.

My mum worked full-time from when I was very young and has always had a life outside of being a parent (as has my dad). They're now retired and living very, very happy lives around the hobbies they maintained when I was young - and bloody good for them, I say.

Hello55 · 08/02/2026 12:37

99pwithaflake · 08/02/2026 12:16

If you dedicate your whole life to your kids, what will happen when they're all grown up and you have nothing?

Another interesting point thank you

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 08/02/2026 12:41

I never felt guilty about time away from my kids. If I get rest and rejuvenation, that makes me a better parent and partner.

If I don't get a break, then I'd become resentful.

It's good for children to realise that mum isn't there 24/7 and as long as they're being well looked after, it's not a problem.

I strive to be a good mum.. my kids are older now, but I went on ladie's weekends and holidays without them (as well as with them) from the age of 12 months old.

Hobbitfeet32 · 08/02/2026 13:18

People can’t make you feel a certain way. Guilt is a choice so you can choose to not feel guilty and be secure in the choices you make

aloris · 08/02/2026 15:50

If guilt about the kids is what motivates you then think of it as looking after your body so you enter your older years needing less help from your kids and being better able to help them by being an active grandma. The exercise you do now is what will prepare you for a healthy old age.

It's also ok to just do things for you but I know how society tells women that we're selfish if we use any of the family resources for our own needs.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 08/02/2026 16:15

Hello55 · 08/02/2026 11:11

That's a good idea, I think I feel guilty or that i'm not spending enough time with my kids if I spend time doing housework when they are home.. Maybe this standard isn't sustainable? My parents didnt spend much quality time with us they were often working maybe that is where this has come from i don't know. Do you work part time also? If so you use your time off for you?

I work 4 days so have a day off in the week!

the 1.5 year old has a 2 hour nap still! So I usually lie on the sofa and watch a bit of tv normally when he’s asleep and then shortly after he’s up we are off on the school run

I make an effort to do something with him in the morning after school drop off f(soft play/ library / park! Then we get in have lunch and il usually potter around doing the dishwasher and laundry / hoover before his nap! He follows me around with his toy hoover and I give him a damp cloth and he wipes the cupboards and stuff “helping” me!

my 5 year old loves taking down the dry Laundry and putting in baskets for me or helping hang the wet laundry up !

we all tidy the toys or colouring supplies together - things like that

I’ve no issue with a bit of tv when we get in from school so I can get dinner ready or empty the dishwasher or whatever before we sit down to eat.

whichever parent isn’t doing baths / bed time is running around tidying after dinner so we can just again relax once in bed

MammaTo · 08/02/2026 17:03

100% you need to keep your own interests and social life going when you have kids. You’ll always first and foremost be a mum and a good mum by the sounds of it, but your kids will eventually get older and will need you less. I think it’s good for kids to see their parents putting themselves first now and again, you are more then just a mum, you are a person.

BogRollBOGOF · 08/02/2026 17:08

I've maintained a range of hobbies through motherhood and it's had a range of benefits to me and to them. Some hobbies were independent, some were done with children in tow when they were younger.

I don't fear empty nest in a few years when my teenagers go to uni or otherwise become more independent and use less time.

I am fit and strong improving my odds of a healthy, independent old age (which potentially benefits my DCs in their adulthood)

I am a positive role model. Parkrun started as my hobby, and I started taking my DCs to junior parkrun a decade ago. They're still running with their own goals and run for themselves at an age when many teenagers drop out of casual physical activity.

My volunteering helped me return to work after a prolonged career break. I had something relevant and continuous to put on my CV. When my DCs were young, they could accompany me and that broadened their experiences.

My sense of self has been continuous despite changes in circumstances. I am a complete human, not just mummy. It's been easier to adapt to my children's shifting needs. I am more interesting to myself and other people.

DH has been a fully involved parent. Even from 4m old with EBFed babies, he got time in short windows to parent in his own right even just for an hour between feeds. By a year, he got an annual weekend with them. I've never had to fear leaving him to parent. He might not do it the same as me, but that's OK and not worth sweating over.

I use their time carefully. When they're at their activities, I tend to take a book to read, and used to use it to sew their Scouting (and my) badges. Being out of the house, it's easier to find flow to concentrate without the sense of obligation to do other stuff. Staying in the waiting room or going somewhere nearby like a pub cut wasted travel time going home and back and achieving little in the gap.

There were times when they were little that I might end up with a toddler in a pram on a run so I could still fit my long run training in around work and childcare. When they were very little it was a bit squeezed in when DH was avaliable around long work hours, but lack of other support made that me time even more important. As their pressure on my time has eased, it's become more natural to fit my life in.

There's a thread running where OP is struggling with the family balance and adding in a new baby to difficult circumstances. Part of the problem is that she has no other facets to life beyond motherhood, and she doesn't let go enough to let her partner be a fully involved dad. It's not just about cute babies and toddlers, parenting is a long game of a couple of decades (and beyond) with an eventual outcome of raising functional adults.

ZappyDays · 08/02/2026 17:12

I wouldn’t say I feel guilty when I spend time away from my children, as long as they are going to be well looked after in my absence then there’s no problem. I sometimes feel like I’m missing out on time with them though, so I only do it if it’s something I’m going to really enjoy. It’s got to be worth it.

Goditsmemargaret · 08/02/2026 18:28

Hello55 · 08/02/2026 09:23

Thats a good cause. Can you tell me what differences you have observed from the mums? Or how they have told you it has helped there lives?

It's funny because most people tell me they want to lose weight / get fit / get in shape. All those things happen but it's their demeanour which changes, they hold themselves differently, laugh, get their sparkle back. One of the most common things I hear is "I feel like me again."

Hello55 · 08/02/2026 21:22

Goditsmemargaret · 08/02/2026 18:28

It's funny because most people tell me they want to lose weight / get fit / get in shape. All those things happen but it's their demeanour which changes, they hold themselves differently, laugh, get their sparkle back. One of the most common things I hear is "I feel like me again."

That sounds amazing, its mind blowing that exercise alone can make someone feel that way guess it does great things to the mind x

OP posts:
Ricecrispiesatsix · 10/02/2026 13:16

Just to add OP, I’m dealing with a few tough things at the moment. A daughter with debilitating anxiety, a father-in-law with terminal cancer (my own dad died of cancer a few years ago) and my own injury (a broken foot) which has impacted my daily activities since October.

Out of all of those, the injury is BY FAR the hardest. For a while I couldn’t do any exercise at all. Now I’m back on my bike and swimming and it is incredible the difference it has made to my mood and my ability to handle whatever life throws at me. I’m a much, much better mum when I take time to exercise.

Hello55 · 12/02/2026 23:00

Ricecrispiesatsix · 10/02/2026 13:16

Just to add OP, I’m dealing with a few tough things at the moment. A daughter with debilitating anxiety, a father-in-law with terminal cancer (my own dad died of cancer a few years ago) and my own injury (a broken foot) which has impacted my daily activities since October.

Out of all of those, the injury is BY FAR the hardest. For a while I couldn’t do any exercise at all. Now I’m back on my bike and swimming and it is incredible the difference it has made to my mood and my ability to handle whatever life throws at me. I’m a much, much better mum when I take time to exercise.

Hi, sorry I have just seen your message. Im sorry to hear about all the things you are going through. Sorry for your dad's loss and the difficult time with your father in law. I hope your daughter feels better soon.
Thanks for sharing how exercise has helped you you are inspiring xx

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread