As a mum I feel guilty about having time away from my kids and doing things for me.. AIBU?

[Hello55]

I am a mum to 3 kids, the youngest is 3. I work part time and as my husband works long hours I do the majority of childcare and managing the house.. I think this is fair due to the split in overall responsibilities in our household. I am feeling burnt out and low in energy at the moment. I don't often have time away from my kids, I could take time out some evenings and have recently joined the gym so was thinking to use the time to workout, loose some weight and get fitter. The problem is I feel guilty about taking this time out for me.. I feel as though I am somehow being selfish AIBU? Is it normal to feel this way as a mum? Is taking regular time out for yourself important? Does it make you a better parent? Will exercising make me feel less burned out and increase my energy levels and therefore make me a better parent? I'd appreciate your answers and personal experiences please as to what you do. TIA

Feeling guilty is what society has brainwashed you into feeling.
YES you need time away. Think like a man.
I didn’t stop or slow down work or any of my life for my kids.
YES I was vilified and criticised but that’s sexism.

I forgot to add i don't feel I look after myself maybe that is why I feel burned out, I try and make sure my kids needs are met as best I can. I do try and decompress in the evenings after they are in bed but that usually involves Netflix! If I want to do the classes at the gym it would be before there bedtime

Thanks for your reply. Do you take regular time out in the evenings away from your kids? In terms of my job I was happy to drop to part time after having children

Oh hell no you aren't being unreasonable.

You're a person on your own right, and need some time away from the kids.

You can be a great Mum, dote on your kids, and still want a bit of time to yourself as well.

Enjoy it op.

I went back to work full time (plus occasional overtime, business trips and weekends) when they were 12 weeks old. I’d often leave for work at 5am so I could hit the gym before starting work at 8am. I then get off at 4pm, come home and be with them until their bedtimes.

In addition, I always had one night a week set aside for my dance troupe and many weekends I was performing with my troupe in various cities so they’d be with a babysitter or their Dad. Many evenings at home once they were asleep, I’d go and practice the choreography.

I think it made me a better mother and role model.

You are as important as your kids, not less important.

Guilt is a choice. I’ve worked FT and socialised before and after having a child. I go away by myself when I need to.

Lucky you , if you can organise child care etc to do things for yourself on your own

LOL, I took my daughter everywhere - to holidays, up and down hills, swimming, tea and cake, and when she was in primary, sometimes we would have even dinner in a pub after school, me having a glass of white, her having the kids menu and orange juice - now is her time, I am the mall hanging best friend

Fuck that noise.

Mum guilt is something we all absolutely have to make the effort to shirk off. We’ve nothing to feel guilty about out. Motherhood takes away so much autonomy, it’s not a good idea to lean into feeling like shit.

And it’s also so, so good for our children to see us doing things for ourselves. They MUST see us not just as “mum” but a human being with interests and a life outside motherhood. Set a good example and show them motherhood doesn’t have to mean being a slave to your children

You are not being selfish.
By taking care of yourself, you feel better, more healthy, less burnt out amd have more energy.
As a result you are better placed to be able to look after children, and give them what they need.

I should have noted it would likely be 2 evenings a week

Mums are made to feel guilty whatever.
I could disagree with you. I have 3 children. Not one bit of me needed time away. On mumsnet I’d be judged more than you!

I was thinking I need to try and exercise may help with my energy levels and also to loose some weight. Thats interesting to hear, don't you have any hobbies or take time out to exercise? How do you manage childcare and life.. was it with a partner/husband or do you do the majority?

I’m out at least 3 evenings a week - gym, cinema, seeing friends

often disappear Saturday morning for a swim or sauna or something on my own

i can’t bear to do 7 bedtimes a week i find it so stressful) I have a 1 year old and 5 year old) having my few evenings where I miss putting them to bed is actually so good for me mentally - I have way more patience the rest of the week when I get my break.

Please stay autonomous. Yet another guilt thrown at mother's . It's a fucking hard job in itself , then working outside as well . Two evenings a week is hardly neglecting your kids . They will benefit hugely from a revived mother.

Absolutely not selfish.
My husband and I are going abroad for four while nights in spring without our almost 6 yo and it's much needed! So important in a marriage to find time for each other and have time to reconnect. My mum and dad are looking after our daughter - they live in the same village as we do.
Our little girl was 18 months when we married so didn't have a honeymoon at that point - so this is going to be our belated honeymoon as it were (just about 4.5 years later!!)

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

I never feel guilty. I am a person and a mum!

I don't feel guilty.
Every human has needs.
I am a human i have some needs.

I also can objectively look at it and hand on heart say that i personally would have crawled over broken glass to have the childhood my two are enjoying / complaining their way through.

They are very lucky children and both myself.my dh and even the CM!!! reminds them of that fact

Yes taking time out for yourself is important. Yes it will enable you to be a better mum. Yes exercise will give you more energy.

Personally, I love to run and dance. I can’t at the moment because I have a broken foot and I’ve had to find other ways to exercise for my mental health. It’s so important and all I want to model looking after my physical and mental health to my kids.

Ah OP give yourself a break !, it’s for a couple of nights a week to go to the gym .
You should do it , it will be so good for your mental health alone .
Don’t feel guilty , you’re a great mom x

Time for yourself/me time is vitally important. I only have one child - now an adult - I remember every detail of the first time I could spare a day of annual leave and he was in nursery. Long trip on a train to see a cathedral city. Before that it was the odd evening out or long lunch. DH - then as now - has a job that takes him away for long periods.

Do your children spend any time at clubs, hobbies and activities. If so, why?

Are any of those reasons less valid for you? As adults we don't always have as much time for fun and relaxation but that doesn't mean it's not needed.

Our children need to see us being active, engaging with the world around us, and being passionate. Don't be guilty about giving them the message that these things are important.

Reframe it. It’s selfish not look after yourself. Presumably you want to live a long and healthy life and be around for your children as long as possible. That means being proactive about looking after yourself. It also will help you model healthy habits and behaviours to your children.