As a mum I feel guilty about having time away from my kids and doing things for me.. AIBU?

[Hello55]

I am a mum to 3 kids, the youngest is 3. I work part time and as my husband works long hours I do the majority of childcare and managing the house.. I think this is fair due to the split in overall responsibilities in our household. I am feeling burnt out and low in energy at the moment. I don't often have time away from my kids, I could take time out some evenings and have recently joined the gym so was thinking to use the time to workout, loose some weight and get fitter. The problem is I feel guilty about taking this time out for me.. I feel as though I am somehow being selfish AIBU? Is it normal to feel this way as a mum? Is taking regular time out for yourself important? Does it make you a better parent? Will exercising make me feel less burned out and increase my energy levels and therefore make me a better parent? I'd appreciate your answers and personal experiences please as to what you do. TIA

Yes they do and I didn't ever think about it like that so thanks for highlighting this to me

I tried to get out by myself one night a week - not always possible when DH was working away but then I'd get out at the weekend for a few hours. Look at it this way - you're giving the kids time with their dad. It's good for him to manage the bath/bedtime stuff too and good for your kids. You'll feel better if you go to the gym a couple of times a week too so it's an all round win for everybody.

Thank you this is also insightful I never thought about things like that

Hobbies have always included my children. I’m pretty active so not an issue there.

Dh isn’t like me. That’s fine. He’s more like you and needs that time to himself and actively seeks it. I just don’t. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, but from your tone regarding me not exercising (I don’t need a gym) you are just as able to judge as the next person.

I just asked the question about taking time to exercise ? You havent mentioned how the rest of your life is set up.. who cares for the children generally? Do you share that responsibility with your husband or someone else and percentage wise how does that roughly work? Do you work? These are all relevant factors. Domestically who does what? I provide 95% of the care dont have local family support and apart from the bins do everything housework related, all school admin etc

Also I think you sound a bit judgmental that I sound like your husband and need time to myself? I said I am feeling burned out and that i joined a gym thinking it may help my energy levels, but i feel guilty about going and leaving them. My question to you was if you had hobbies or took time to exercise waent being judgemental just curious how you do these things to get tips. I dont often post as I see people on other posts get defensive and it puts me off

Also I think you sound a bit judgmental that I sound like your husband and need time to myself? I said I am feeling burned out and that i joined a gym thinking it may help my energy levels, but i feel guilty about going and leaving them. My question to you was if you had hobbies or took time to exercise waent being judgemental just curious how you do these things to get tips. I dont often post as I see people on other posts get defensive and it puts me off

Thank you that thats a useful perspective too appreciate it

This is our set up but I also work 30 hours over 5 days a week (DH works 6.5 days a week). We both have high stress, reasonably risky jobs. I do everything in the house/for school/children etc except the bins, on top of that I do all the paperwork/accounts and admin for his self employed business.

I need decompression time from all that but luckily he thrives on spending time with the children during the hours he isn't working and has no desire to socialise away from them. Everyone has different needs.

A lot depends on the age of the children - now mine are well into primary school I have a bit more time on my two 'half days' off work while they are in school. I go for a swim, have a nice quiet lunches by myself, do errands at a leisurely pace, do a few hours of my crafty hobby, get my hair cut or just drink hot coffee in peace.

It means I'm a better less snappy mum the rest of the time because my emotional needs are being met as well.

On top of that I go out once or twice a week to a hobby with friends during the winter months.

I feel zero guilt. Zero, my children are perfectly happy and healthy and it does them and their father the world of good to not have 'mum' running round after them all the time. I feel like a whole person again and not 'just mum'.

We also have a cleaner for a few hours once a week - I do far more than my fair share of the cleaning and housework because of DH's work so I consider this as his proxy contribution.

Is anyone making you feel guilty or is this something you are doing to yourself?

reframe is as giving your kids a better mum. you're no good burnt out. quality time with a rested happy mum is better than endless time with a snappy, tired mum.

There it is, the little dig, the judgy comment that will make someone feel guilty. Hope you're proud.

OP taking care of yourself is essential.

I run a number of fitness studios that are mainly targeted towards worn out mums. We are not in the UK or is be sending you the details. I love my work. Not because it's majorly lucrative or easy but because it's so rewarding seeing clients get back to themselves and thrive.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I have 1.5 days without the children as my 3 year old is in preschool. I use that time to try catch up with housework cook etc. But now I have joined the gym I think 2 hours from 1 of the days I may use to go to the gym. I joined the gym as i also thought it may help my patience levels too, now I am thinking it will likely help after reading you say you are less snappy when your emotional needs are met too.

I was considering getting a cleaner as I do it all but also not sure about having a stranger in my house either.

No1 is making me feel guilty its coming from me, i have become so used to putting my kids needs first that I feel some guilt if I don't. I am sure it has been internalised from society to in 1 way or another x

Thank you that is a good point x

Thanks that person's comment did make me feel guilty. Some people can be mean especially when they can see someone is feeling bad about doing something anyway

Thats a good cause. Can you tell me what differences you have observed from the mums? Or how they have told you it has helped there lives?

I love having time to myself and feel zero guilt for it. Being around anyone 100% the time isn’t really usual IMO. I do exercise classes, go out for a run, I volunteer one evening a week, I meet friends sometimes for dinner or lunch or coffee. And I feel zero guilt about any of it because I am just living life normally. It’s normal for people to have time away with friends or for them to pursue their own interests. I don’t know any people who are constantly with their children and don’t do anything for themselves, except my friend whose husband works away a month at a time for obvious reasons. All my other friends have pretty rich lives going on around the kids.

You definitely need time away from your kids, whether it’s exercise, coffee out, drinks out. Your DH can babysit or pay for a sitter. Or family.

I wouldn’t think of a cleaner as a stranger in your house though they would be at first. They’re doing a job at the end of the day.

And it's worth it to have a clean house for a few hours a week and know that someone else other than you has scrubbed the showers/mopped the floor at least once that week freeing you up to think about something else.

Mine also folds any clothes I've left in the tumble dryer...

One thing I’ve always done is housework and tidying laundry cooking etc while Kids around

they can help me or play

but I’m not wasting nap time or any child free time cleaning or anything - I’m gonna relax or so do something fun or go the gym

That's a good idea, I think I feel guilty or that i'm not spending enough time with my kids if I spend time doing housework when they are home.. Maybe this standard isn't sustainable? My parents didnt spend much quality time with us they were often working maybe that is where this has come from i don't know. Do you work part time also? If so you use your time off for you?

I take plenty of time out for myself (so does DH). I don’t feel guilty for even one second. Why should I? Taking time for myself makes me a much better parent than I would be otherwise. We still have a lot of time together as a family.

Don’t feel guilty OP! That’s what society wants so you stay in your place. Take time for yourself and you will be a much better mother and wife for it.

It's actually not helpful to your kids to be entertaining them 24/7, they need to be bored and learn independent play. Plus, I think it's important for them to see that housework doesn't do itself and also yo learn how to do it and help be part of keeping the house nice.

One of my oldest friends told me (childfree) that she was not just a mother.

She was a wife, a friend, an accounts manager, a lover, a cyclist.... She has two children (now adults themselves) and a very strong relationship with them and a good life.

Do you feel guilty for going to work? Do you feel guilty for sleeping?

I mean this with all kindness, but.... grow a bit of backbone here. You are not ONLY a mother. You are a grown woman living a life with interests and needs and wishes of your own as well. You are ALSO a mother.