Selfish downsizing

[Eatthebeat]

I am genuinely very lucky. DH and I have good jobs and we have bought a big house in the countryside. Children at private school and very happy there.

But I'm so tired and stressed out. My job is so full on, and I'm nonstop for about 12 hours a day. I have half an hour a day to myself if I'm lucky, and I'm so tired and overwhelmed I either doomscroll or fall asleep.

I dream of downsizing my life and making it simpler. Getting up at a decent hour. Having time to make a nice meal to enjoy with my kids. Having energy to do things in the evening or on the weekend.

But my kids (both primary aged) are so happy with their school and their home, and they would lose both.

So please tell me IABU and very selfish to want to downsize. Bonus points for stories of downsizing going wrong/life still being overwhelming/ grass not being greener on the other side etc etc.

Thanks.

Yep, this is the thing... surely if I committed to this school for my children, it would be awful to tear them away just because I had a change of heart

I know several people who took a lower level job looking for an easier life. Yes it meant they worked shorter hours usually, but it wasn't any easier or less stressful and they did regret it.

If you are both working and earning well, would it not be a better idea to get someone in to do some cleaning and maybe a little ironing around the house a few days a week? This takes the pressure off you without the radical step of downsizing. Also could you and your DH do more batch cooking so that you are not cooking every day? Are the kids doing their bit to keep things tidy as well?

Absolutely not. We have just done this. We owned a big mortgage free house in the country up north. Kids in private school. Moved down to an area with excellent state options, there's grammars but it's a rich hippy area and so the states are reasonable - exam results not always greatfor maths / english but kids are overall nice kids so it's not a problem. State primaries have turned out to be a million times better than the private and we have enough money for lots of extracurricular and tutors. (Don't actually like the grammars and that's a real thing around here as they don't have catchments so 60% of pupils out of area anyway).
Just offered on a house which is small, needs nothing doing but in the right place. More expensive than previous house but well below budget and means we can just relax and not worry. Yeah it's not my dream but there's a lot to be said for no pressure.

What ages are your children? If they're in private primary, what options are there for secondary?

So you have no intention of changing what sounds like a pretty untenable situation. Unless you’re happy to accept a non-life?

You say both are primary age

You could wait for the natural change of secondary

If I were you I would move to the catchment of good state schools, move the kids to the school (they'll cope and make friends) and quit work. All doable and not selfish. Retrain to a kid friendly role.

Nobody reaches the end of their life wishing they'd spent more time at work.

Apologies I know that's not what you're looking for (the opposite of 'grass ain't greener' stories). It's just that you sound miserable and are adding all sorts of hyperbole to your situation, like 'committing' to private school etc etc. you can send your kids to a decent state and keep your sanity.

Sorry OP I think me and many others thought you wanted to hear the reasons why people didn't regret taking the opportunity to make it easier. Not the reasons to continue as you are. It sounds like you want ways to make your current life easier not actually downsize / step out of private school / reduce hours. In which case outsource : cleaner, mother's help or nanny gardener, laundry.

There could be other options.

Is there another role you can do? most people have transferable skills - you could take a sabbatical and take some time out you could work 4 days a week -

Dont think selling up and moving your children is the only option

I’d take a present mother over money

You are clearly overextended. You cannot keep going spread too thinly, and at some point something could snap (happened to me).

How about you set some goals to work towards - can make you more able to cope if you have an exit strategy, even if quite far off?

eg could you survive until kids are at secondary school and move /send to local school then?

FWIW I’d choose the local school and less stress in my life, but appreciate that’s not for all, but I did burnout and break and wonder why I’m pushed so hard before and lost myself in the process.

My best friend married a farmer ( all my friends did) . We all still live in the area we grew up in. She qualified as a solicitor and her whole salary paid for the school fees for their 2 children. It's sad really since she and I ( and her husband and all his and our friends) went to the same state primary school and then the local state secondary and state sixth form. Her father had a small holding and they lived in a tiny cottage. She dwcided to create an adult life for herself that drove her to drink really heavily. School fees, range rovers, expensive horses. When we were children everyone had scruffy little ponies we used to take to pony club events. The horses her daughter had cost thousands. After all that pressure and stress her daughter is an accountant and works for the family farm business and her son sells firewood from the farm. What was the point of all that stress and extra hours in court and all the showey off stuff ? Like you Op it puts you on a hideous treadmill you can't get off and in the end you burn out.

I don’t really have any advice but just wanted to say I live in a mid sized terraced house, only have one child and I live very close to work and his school. I’m still exhausted and have very little free time. So I think it’s all relative 🤣

Why not buy a smaller house nearby? Your children won't care as long as they are safe warm and fed. Imagine how much better life would be for all of you, if you can free up time and reduce stress.

Parents who are able to be more present and not end up burnt out are more important than the big house and the private school. Perhaps you save some of the money from the house sale and put that away to use for tutoring for them at a later date if needed.

Quite agree. A lot of the time we make it up in our own head that we just have to work all the hours god sends.

what would happen op if you didn’t? It’s quite hard to sack someone these days. I’d just check what is facts and what are feelings about work.

SIL works in a private secondary, she has counselled far to many troubled girls through pregnancy scares.
Me, I relaxed at work, got home early, had the conversations, put health care in place, lived through the teen relationship angst. I was present rather than paying other people.
And if your kids are sporty - running, jumping, normal team games they are better off in state schools where the completion is bigger and tougher. Private schools are definitely better for the expensive equipment type sports.

I haven’t read every post, but I absolutely think you should pull them out of private school. If you can afford to live off one wage and keep the house then do that, if not also downsize.

I have just quit my job and taken my child out of an 8-6 nursery, and instead enrolled him at a 9-3 preschool a couple of days a week. I get to rest, he still gets to socialise. I was heading fast into burn out, and I’ve listened to my body - we have practiced living more frugally the past 6 months in prep for me to quit, and I am so ready to completely slow it down for a few months.

if you don’t choose to rest, your body will do it for you at the most inconvenient time. At least if you make the decision yourself, you can put things in place to make it work out with ease and control.

There are some truly brilliant state schools. Not sure if /why you consider private education to be a choice