Selfish downsizing

[Eatthebeat]

I am genuinely very lucky. DH and I have good jobs and we have bought a big house in the countryside. Children at private school and very happy there.

But I'm so tired and stressed out. My job is so full on, and I'm nonstop for about 12 hours a day. I have half an hour a day to myself if I'm lucky, and I'm so tired and overwhelmed I either doomscroll or fall asleep.

I dream of downsizing my life and making it simpler. Getting up at a decent hour. Having time to make a nice meal to enjoy with my kids. Having energy to do things in the evening or on the weekend.

But my kids (both primary aged) are so happy with their school and their home, and they would lose both.

So please tell me IABU and very selfish to want to downsize. Bonus points for stories of downsizing going wrong/life still being overwhelming/ grass not being greener on the other side etc etc.

Thanks.

Are there any smaller changes you could make?

A drop in hours (but not a drastic one) for either of you? Any help you could buy in with cleaning or after school childcare?

I sometimes consider moving to a bigger pusher house and maybe increase my hours / gaining a promotion at work but what I find useful is thinking, what do I think I’ll think when I’m older and the children have moved out/grown up.

I decided against it my Current role at times is quite pressured and I end up feeling over whelmed with the job, and the expectations on me at home (children, house work, reading / homework with children) and just generally being the best most present mum I can be.

You are not selfish for thinking this way. You are sensible to think this through and think is it sustainable to keep it all up?

Would you be able to spend more time with the children as a result? That’s a very important pro for the decision that would probably outweigh some
of the more temporary issues (ie moving school etc).

What is it you want to downsize?
The house? Your job? The domestic load?

If DH and DC love the house, and you’ve just paid a ton of stamp duty on it I doubt moving is an option. Could you buy in some more hired help - cleaner, house keeper, gardener? Is going down to 4 days possible?

You're very kind, but it's really not that bad

But you have no time with your kids, and the time you do have seems to be overshadowed by how tired you are and how stressed you are just to keep your very “lucky lifestyle” going.

Doesn’t really seem worth it. They don’t need to go to private school, they’d be better off with more family time. More family that isn’t full of a tired and stressed mum.

It’s not “lucky” if it’s creating all this stress for you. The luckiest people love their lives.

I used to work four days a week, out of the house 8am to 7pm approx. Had an after school nanny who did kids laundry and cleaning, supervised play dates and homework. Also a cleaner. When I came home everything was clean and tidy ready for bed time routine then grown ups dinner and relaxation. It was quite doable.

I think quality family life is more important than private school/big house, especially if you can move to an area with good state schools. While your kids are still primary school age is the perfect time to do it - once you reach secondary age it would be much more disruptive

I work 12 hour days in a school. Salary good. Nice lifestyle bar the long stressful midweek days. I dream of similar to you!

in the long holidays I, unbelievably, get bored. could you try taking a chunk of time off to see if it’s actually what you would enjoy?

Can you not just outsource as much of life’s admin as you can.

Hire a housekeeper/nanny who can take the kids to school for you and then go back to the house and tidy/clean, cook, food shop, iron or whatever you need.

It's not selfish, OP, but I don't know how realistic it is. Money provides enormous choice and safety. I think if you want to seriously consider it, you need to identify an area you could afford, visit the schools, think about how significant your savings are, how far you are from retirement, what would happen if you needed more than a "pocket money" job etc. If your plan factors in all that and shows you it could work, then there's your answer. (Of course you then have the issue that your DH and kids don't want change.)

Just because some people have things harder doesn’t mean you have to accept what you have as the right life for you

Why do they need to be in private school? Surely that's the massive expense that would make a big difference if it were removed.

Then this is what you must do and downsize.

As someone said upthread you’re entrapped by your “good life.” State school is not the end of the world.

My dc got AAA in their A levels their friend, who’d been privately educated since primary, got BBC. Yes they’re good at cricket but they’re not going to a RG uni like my dc. If that’s what £200k’s worth of education buys then no thanks. The classes were small the school building impressive but private education doesn’t always deliver on results. And basically that’s what you’re really buying.

If you can afford it all without the stress continue as you are but if you want to free up some time for you then go for it. You’re not a machine you need to have a good quality of life too. Your body and health will thank you.

if it doesn’t work out I’m sure you can ramp it back up again and go back to how it was.

Good luck Op with whatever you decide.

Time with your dc is worth way more than private schooling. I’d move near a good state secondary school, then get an easier job.

@Eatthebeat What exactly are you looking for here?

You've described a stressful life yiu aren't happy with. People have suggested various alternatives but you dismiss them saying that they won't work because your not miserable enough basically? Where do you draw the line though? You get no family time, work / commute so much you're exhausted, and the house is too much for you. Maybe you can't see because you're trying to please everyone else to.your detriment

Your kids don’t care about a big fancy house and they would probably be happy in a decent local school. What they do care about is having a happy fun parent to chat to and spend time with.

To me your life sounds awful, sorry if that is harsh. It’s a classic looks good to outsiders but is actually a guilded cage scenario.

Personally if your DH genuinely likes his job and earns well I would move house, somewhere he can still commute but with decent local schools. You can get a smaller place, less upkeep and potential to make it more energy efficient. Plus you can make your life a bit easier possibly work fewer hours and focus on the things that really matter.

What's the point of the thread then?

State primary I think you should be considering. Better I think than moving house.

That is a lot of big changes. Job (and, by the sounds of it, area of work), house, school and location - basically everything except your relationship.

Are you sure you want to give up your current job? Is there not a middle ground such as reducing your hours, working from home one day a week, getting a cleaner? Are there any decent grammar schools nearby? That would presumably save you about £40K+ p/a.