Selfish downsizing

[Eatthebeat]

I am genuinely very lucky. DH and I have good jobs and we have bought a big house in the countryside. Children at private school and very happy there.

But I'm so tired and stressed out. My job is so full on, and I'm nonstop for about 12 hours a day. I have half an hour a day to myself if I'm lucky, and I'm so tired and overwhelmed I either doomscroll or fall asleep.

I dream of downsizing my life and making it simpler. Getting up at a decent hour. Having time to make a nice meal to enjoy with my kids. Having energy to do things in the evening or on the weekend.

But my kids (both primary aged) are so happy with their school and their home, and they would lose both.

So please tell me IABU and very selfish to want to downsize. Bonus points for stories of downsizing going wrong/life still being overwhelming/ grass not being greener on the other side etc etc.

Thanks.

How does your DH feel about it? what does he want?

Your kids? what do they want?

Get yourself a studio flat and tell your DH and kids to take a hike.

We downsized our housr and cut our bills in half and I felt a weight had been lifted.
I was so stressed keeping up with my own expectations of how my life should be it was making me ill nust keeping up with myself.
I can say that the fact we are now less stress is making all of us happier. Albeit in a smaller house with a shitter car but those things do not even matter really.
I can now work without feeling like the pressure is on my head to keep things going. It has been a game changer.

Can you decrease your hours slightly? Move to a 4 day working week or every other Friday off?

It feels like you are craving some time to yourself rather than you hate your job?

The problem with this plan is that it only benefits you, and makes life worse for the other three people in the family.

I'd look into the work situation. Can you move to an adjacent area? Reduce hours? Organise your diary so that you spend one or two days WFH a week?

If possible, take a few days off and go to a completely different environment, so you can have new ideas. Talk to friends with different perspectives on life... there may be alternatives that you haven't thought of.

I took redundancy when kids were about to enter secondary. Moved them from private primary to state secondary (planned - very good school) and have never regretted the decision. Daughter now at Oxbridge and son in Y12. Both perfectly happy at state school and I didn’t go back to work as I loved the flexibility of doing what I wanted when I wanted. Highly recommend!

Would the sale of the house, and the money it frees up, cover school fees up until 18? Or if they move to state school, would it free up money for uni? The life you have right now doesn't sound sustainable.

Like I said in the OP, I was looking for stories of how the grass isn't always greener. Absolutely did not ask for advice about how to change my current situation.

But we can’t give you those stories when the grass absolutely is greener when you choose the side with a better work life balance and time with your children.
No one is suggesting unemployment, but that you’re doing just isn’t the sort of life most parents (mums) want to have, because the grass is definitely greener when we have real time with our children and families as well as work.

Sorry, but you’re not going to hear that. You’ve chosen a life that most of us are looking at and thinking “not worth it.”

Do it OP. Before they get older and it just gets more expensive

Came here to say the same. We love our smaller house, which we still all enjoy and love making memories in.
Your children don't have the life experience to know that you may be choosing the 'better way' - whatever that looks like for you as a family. Choose the best thing for your family (current situation or downsize).

Then you cannot downsize unless you move them to state school

The fantasising about a totally different lifestyle points to there being something causing stress/burnout in your current situation, unless you are 100% sure what it is you do run the risk of changing the wrong thing(s).
Is there 1 thing you can change first? I’m out of the house 12 hours a day, 3 days per week but WFH the other 2 days which allows me to get up later, get more rest and be more present for those days.
Primary years (particularly KS1) are hard, don’t underestimate that part either!

Honestly, I greatly regret putting my daughter in private school. It has been great for her academic results and confidence so big win for her I think. However I am incredibly tired and could be thinking of retiring now instead of stressing about money if she’d gone to state school. She only has two years left and loves it…. So it is grin and bear it until then. Then I am massively downsizing life…. Move to a cheaper area, smaller place, and not have the grinding pressure of earning a lot….. I can’t wait.

Yes! Op you need a good mother’s help or housekeeper. There must be an agency specialising in this. A responsible young woman used to the countryside who will help with school runs, food shopping, making dinner, laundry, animals, driving a mini tractor or whatever.

And hire a cleaner and gardener too.

And make sure your dh is stepping up,

Or is that your job is so tiring, that you would be tired at weekends anyway?

If that’s the case you need to talk to your employers about going to four days? Or working from home a bit possibly?

what is the problem? Housework? Throw the decor and clutter and just hoover once a week, polish the tiles and that is that. Or is it your own long work hours

Each to their own but I would definitely prioritise my dcs’ education over everything else. Unless there was a fantastic state school reasonably close by of course.

I would be planning a move to a great state school area for secondary. Maybe a grammar?

@Eatthebeat I don't think you are selfish to dream about this, but I think you might be underestimating the impact it will have on you dh and your dc. And how much of your (collective) time and energy will be taken up by dealing with the fall out and making all of that OK.

I realise that sounds like:
a) your stress / overwhelm etc is the price YOU have to pay to keep everyone else on an even keel
b) it is YOUR responsibility to deal with all of the impact, rather than you and dh (and the dc if they're old enough) to make a plan that works for you all.
That's not what I mean.

However I think you do have take the whole family into consideration. I also have a 'simple life' dream. For me at my stage in life (retirement, all dc left home and independent), it would be selling the big family home and moving to a brand new, smaller, well designed house that would be suitable for me and dh (or whichever one of us surviives the longest) for as long as we can be independent. That dream includes having everything new - no dodgy kettle, or slightly wonky pillow, or table that was bought as a cheap stop-gap and has become a permanent feature... Then add in maybe 10 or 20 important artefacts from our current life.

I talk about it often, and the whole family laugh. What about Dad's entire collection of the World Cup Football memoribilia - where is that going? What about the Belgian Beer Mug collection? (in the garage). But more deeply felt is everyone's connection to the family home.

I know what woud make life easier for me - now and in planning for the future - but we're a family, and it's not all about me.

How old are the kids?

I think your plan here is sensible… but maybe a more medium term plan. Maybe when the kids are older and at a particular point in their lives. End of year 6 or 11, say.

I don’t think you’re selfish at all, but maybe now isn’t the right time to go headfirst into it?

Follow your dream you only get one life and they only have one childhood and you being there is what actually matters.

OP, I think it would be very unkind to take your DC out of their school - it’s not just the culture shock, it would be losing all their friends. You could consider sending them to a state secondary, if there’s a good one near you, but at present, I don’t see a solution for you short of changing jobs to somewhere that doesn’t require the extra hours. It’s very hard for you because you are bearing the brunt of this, but as a PP noted, for you to downsize means three people having a worse quality of life - and unless you change jobs, surely you’ll just be doing exactly the same, but in a smaller more cramped house?

I live unconventionally and mortgage free, and it has given me the freedom to be much more present in my life, and to work towards my dream career. However, it’s come with a lot of compromises and extra work in some areas because nothing is convenient- and we still need to work and we feel the pressures of the daily grind and rising prices and so on.

i also experienced burnout and couldn’t work for months, and if I had been in your position the whole lifestyle would have come tumbling down.

So I think you need to be honest, really honest about whether this fantasy is a subconscious cry for help because your current life isn’t sustainable for you and you risk breaking, or never having any joy in life for years and years. Or whether actually, your life is lovely and you are looking for novelty or something like that. Or something is not fulfilling you. Once you work out why you’re imagining a different life, you can work out what to do about it.

Thank you, this is exactly what I need to hear.

I'm just dreaming of a simple and easy life, but I think I'm conflating the two. It can certainly be simple without being easy.

Hope everything gets a bit easier for you, @Holdinguphalfthesky (also, love your username 😍)

I’m in a similar, but not the same, situation. Our children are not in private school but I work in one. I keep wondering about moving as a TA to a private school and getting reduced fees. Sometimes it kicks in after 2 years. Might be worth looking in to?

we are not downsizing our house ( it’s ample but not big, we need the space we’ve got) but will have to downsize our holidays etc to allow me to take a step back. We have agreed I’ll leave my job, but not really what it will look like in practice.