Scared to have children in case they have additional needs

[Avelin]

A cousin of mine has two extremely autistic children. I love her kids deeply but I would be absolutely devastated if I had to live her life. One of her kids is non verbal and they are both very physical and can cause harm (intentionally and unintentionally. My sister and I try to give this cousin a break whenever possible (maybe once a month?) but we are so exhausted after even one evening.

I know the risk of having a child with additional needs is low but I’m absolutely terrified this could end up being my life. I love children, I love seeing how they interpret the world. I love doing arts and crafts/baking with my nieces and nephews. And many people think I’d make a good mum. But I’m just so scared of the possibility that any future children would have problems. Even though im very healthy and so is dh.

Is this normal? I’m 31 and dh is 35. 2026 was supposed to be the year we started trying for a baby. But I’m extremely anxious.

It’s sad there have just been so many people dealt lousy cards e.g. Jesy from Little Mix and her twin daughters.

I know some will say “well it sounds like you’re too selfish and immature to have a child”. I don’t believe that to be the case. I’m just aware of my limits and having a life that is not extremely hard is a priority for me.

Down syndrome children don't exist?

Yep, you're right actually.

But it’s not really a valid viewpoint is it ? Because it isn’t rude or offensive to be honest about how you feel about something as important as this. And fair play to OP for giving it the consideration it deserves. OP isn’t criticising or denigrating those parents who are caring for disabled children, she’s merely questioning whether she’s up to the task herself.

Yes, in one way you are being selfish but THAT’S OK! That’s not necessarily a bad thing in this particular context. Selfish is only a negative when it has an effect on others. You don’t believe you’d cope so you’re making a sensible decision not to take the risk. Very sensible. In my eyes that’s a good form of selfishness. And I say that as a (physically) disabled single parent to a child with Autism.

My life is filled with pain, stress, frustration, repetition, loneliness and more pain. However, I wouldn’t change my DD for the world and I’m still very glad I had her, if that offers you any insight?

Perhaps start another thread, asking those of us who have children with additional needs if we could go back, would we make the same decision? You might be surprised at (& reassured by) the answers, OP.

There's nothing wrong with that. It's much better to have thought about this properly beforehand, rather than just blindly going ahead. There's absolutely nothing wrong with deciding not to to have children, many women don't and have full and happy lives.

I have three children with SEN and I don't agree with pp that unless you willing accept and want and would be delighted with a child with additional needs you shouldn't have them. I was told my first child with dyspraxia was random bad luck. He was six when diagnosed and I had the other two in that time. You cope. You don't know any different and in no way do you need to be a saint and see it as a wonderful blessing, to be a great mum to a child with additional needs. That's bullshit and feeds into the "God only gives children to those who can cope" it's bullshit.

My eldest is very clever. Very. He never went to school and passed all his gcses with hardly any education. He is NT..He is super bright. Has crap MH. There is a whole mindfield with parenting without even thinking about sen. What if they are depressed, anxious, unpopular, rude, get run over, hate me, hate life, etc.

No apply that to relationships. What if they cheat, lie, hurt me, turn into Shreik. Do you stay celibate in case it could go TU? Mind you anyone can walk out from a relationship..kids are forever. There are worse things than having a ND child. Like waking up at 50 and realising you can never go back and your now infertile.

My kids have been a total joy and a total pita. Like any child. Fill me with pride and joy and mentally drain me. Much like dh I guess at times.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0023db6

A very powerful programme to watch with mums talking about the very issues you don't want in life OP.

Exactly,

Nobody wants their child to suffer, or have disabilities, or to never be independent. It's not some massively controversial take 😬

Can you point out where I told op she can't say that?

The poster seems to be implying that since the screening is now available, Women are not having children with DS. Which is just not true.

Love for children isn’t conditional, it just isn’t. Say you had a healthy child who later developed a life limiting illness, or was paralysed in an accident. You’d wish them gone? Of course not. I knew when I got pregnant with my first none of the test results mattered, I just wanted her. I think becoming a parent isn’t for you and that’s ok.

Op has posted on an anonymous forum. That is not analogous to standing in front of you in the street and declaring that she’d be devastated to have a child like yours. No one forced you to click on the thread and read it, and no one is forcing you to engage.

Being uncomfortable with and/or offended by someone’s opinion doesn’t mean that a topic shouldn’t be discussed in order to spare your feelings. You cannot control what other people think, feel and post out, but you can choose to remove yourself from the thread if it’s difficult for you to read.

Sure. At 15:11, you said:

"it's not fine to say you would be devastated to have kids like mine."

The thing with having children is that you don't get to choose, you have to take what you are given. I was just desperate for children. I had 5 boys, all with additional needs. It's hard but it is what it is and i love them all so much. If I'd have known in advance I would still have had them.

I need to rush to our local Sainsburys’ and tell that to the three DS checkout operators who work there. All young people too, so this can’t be a recent phenomenon !!

Again, I've said repeatedly that op is to be admired for thinking about this and knowing her limitations.

It is absolutely fine to decide not to have children, but you must discuss it with your partner - he needs to know how you are feeling.

you could have a child who is LGBor T and struggles with this

There are some innate challenges to being LG or T: the dating pool is smaller, and parenthood is obviously potentially more of a challenge, although I have multiple LG friends who have managed it. But most of what LGB or T people struggle with isn't being LGB or T, it's other people's reactions to them being LGB or T. If this is something that concerns you you'd be better off getting involved with charity work that aims to reduce homophobia or transphobia, rather than avoiding having children, IMO.

But you haven’t acknowledged that when you said she had stated she would be ‘devastated to have a child like that’ you were wrong. She didn’t say anything of the sort.

Where I was replying to you saying

I think it's perfectly okay to say "X would devastate me so it's not a risk I would ever take".

And not talking to the op at all you mean?

It’s honest. And it’s part of the reason I didn’t have kids. Watching a friend with a child who will never wipe his own bum much less live independently, whose needs rule their lives, and is already a risk to his siblings.. it’s not a task for everyone. There isn’t very much support either unless you are wealthy and can sort it yourself. I know I’m not cut out to be a carer and didn’t want the risk.

Thing is, you would probably find you would cope - because you have to and you'd love your own child to the moon and back.

But there's nothing wrong with knowing what you think you can and can not do. Having children is wonderful, but not having children is pretty good too.

It is very patronising to look at someone's life and be devastated for them because its not a life you would have chose though

To be fair it's not a life anyone would 'choose' unless you are one of the people who adopt a child with disabilities. I have a disabled child, learning disability, non verbal, doubly incontinent, and epileptic to boot. I personally don't feel offended by OPs use of the word devastated. Although it's a bit strong I feel like I know what she means.

I would be absolutely devastated if I had to live her life. One of her kids is non verbal and they are both very physical and can cause harm (intentionally and unintentionally.

She said it about her cousins children.

That’s just semantics, ‘devastated’ and ‘can’t cope’ are basically the same. Just because you don’t like the OP’s opinion that doesn’t make it rude.