Page 20 | Scared to have children in case they have additional needs

Avelin · 2026-02-07T14:01:55+00:00

A cousin of mine has two extremely autistic children. I love her kids deeply but I would be absolutely devastated if I had to live her life. One of her kids is non verbal and they are both very physical and can cause harm (intentionally and unintentionally. My sister and I try to give this cousin a break whenever possible (maybe once a month?) but we are so exhausted after even one evening. I know the risk of having a child with additional needs is low but I’m absolutely terrified this could end up being my life. I love children, I love seeing how they interpret the world. I love doing arts and crafts/baking with my nieces and nephews. And many people think I’d make a good mum. But I’m just so scared of the possibility that any future children would have problems. Even though im very healthy and so is dh. Is this normal? I’m 31 and dh is 35. 2026 was supposed to be the year we started trying for a baby. But I’m extremely anxious. It’s sad there have just been so many people dealt lousy cards e.g. Jesy from Little Mix and her twin daughters. I know some will say “well it sounds like you’re too selfish and immature to have a child”. I don’t believe that to be the case. I’m just aware of my limits and having a life that is not extremely hard is a priority for me.

Sogfree · 07/02/2026 21:36

Clefable · 07/02/2026 18:28

I am 10 minutes into this and in tears. Fucking hell it’s hard to watch him ragdolling her around the kitchen like that. Awful

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I know.

It's some people's reality with a disabled child.

This is becoming more common.

I'm certain that young man is a wonderful chap when calm, but I would despair if I was living her life.

The tears of her other son having to witness his mum being attacked again are just as hard to watch.

Playingvideogames · 07/02/2026 21:36

LeafyMcLeafFace · 07/02/2026 20:51

I’m not mandating anything but I am explaining that it’s really offensive as are many others. The other examples you give (other than your disability) are in no way comparable to what many people are describing.

I’m also not projecting anything, I have no discomfort, issues or unhappiness about my life which is exactly why it is offensive to read that some people have pity for it or would want to avoid having a child like mine.

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I think this is one of those times when OP’s right to speak about something valid that worries her overrides your offence, because ultimately she isn’t talking about your child specifically, she’s (perfectly reasonably) speculating on whether she would be able to parent a SEN child.

Given every other poster on here has a child with SEN, it is no longer a remote prospect as I thought it would’ve been when I was growing up. It’s very common now and as such she’s very wise to really think about whether that would be a life she could cope with.

DanceAtTheClubOhMama · 07/02/2026 21:45

LeafyMcLeafFace · 07/02/2026 18:49

Do you have any idea how insulting it is to read that so many people would be devastated if their kids were like yours? My son is fantastic, he is loving and optimistic, he is wise beyond his years about important things, he is determined and tries harder than anyone I know and there is not a single day that I regret my life no matter how hard it is. For you to be worried that your life might be life is like mine is insulting at the very least.

Your kids are yours. It doesn't need to be an insult to you. You love your kids. You don't need random strangers on the internet to love them too.

the OP evidently reads that she'd be devastated to have a child with autism. Not 'that they're like yours.' She'd be devastated at the diagnosis, not the actual child itself. I would be too! I've seen the struggles people close to me have gone through with little to no break. I wouldn't want that life for myself and that's okay. It's not personal to you and your kids..

hypothetically if someone said to you while you were pregnant 'your child is going to be disabled and autistic' would you really not be sad or upset? I don't believe anybody would be jumping for joy exactly. And if you were sad or upset, you're not far off being on the same page as the OP.

AllPlayedOut · 07/02/2026 21:49

Sogfree · 07/02/2026 21:36

I know.

It's some people's reality with a disabled child.

This is becoming more common.

I'm certain that young man is a wonderful chap when calm, but I would despair if I was living her life.

The tears of her other son having to witness his mum being attacked again are just as hard to watch.

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I wonder how many of the people criticising OP would willingly choose to live like that? Not many I suspect. It’s a living hell and what my friend and her youngest child suffered for a long time and both were badly damaged by it until her situation became so severe that her child was sent to residential school. That saved her life and provided her son with a far better quality of life and the structure that he needed. Unfortunately it was near impossible to get a placement then and it’s even harder now.

I appreciate the challenges that local authorities and governments are facing in terms of providing special needs care and education but this is a ln emergency situation that really does warrant “throwing” money at it in terms of respite, residential placements, therapy, carers etc. No one should have to be terrorised in their own home like that.

Keepingthepeace9 · 07/02/2026 21:54

AllPlayedOut · 07/02/2026 21:49

I wonder how many of the people criticising OP would willingly choose to live like that? Not many I suspect. It’s a living hell and what my friend and her youngest child suffered for a long time and both were badly damaged by it until her situation became so severe that her child was sent to residential school. That saved her life and provided her son with a far better quality of life and the structure that he needed. Unfortunately it was near impossible to get a placement then and it’s even harder now.

I appreciate the challenges that local authorities and governments are facing in terms of providing special needs care and education but this is a ln emergency situation that really does warrant “throwing” money at it in terms of respite, residential placements, therapy, carers etc. No one should have to be terrorised in their own home like that.

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There should be no challenges involved. The idea people are not given the support they require in the situations described is nothing short of diabolical.

PotteryChuck · 07/02/2026 21:54

This was something DH and I gave a lot of thought to, and we decided to remain childfree.

AllPlayedOut · 07/02/2026 21:55

Excuse the typos in my last post.

QuietLetdown · 07/02/2026 21:57

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DanceAtTheClubOhMama · 07/02/2026 22:03

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If you had an ounce of common sense you'd realise that there has been substantial research and ever continuing research of formula. It's extremely regulated and perfectly safe for children.

this thread isn't a breastfeeding vs formula feeding debate so for you to insert that into this thread shows your lack of critical thinking skills.

(From someone who breastfed.)

Keepingthepeace9 · 07/02/2026 22:11

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There are mothers who for various reasons are unable to breast feed & there always will be. Despite your good intentions of promoting breast feeding I think it's wrong to put this type of guilt on their conscience. Quality formula with strict regulations has been offered successfully to babies for over 150 years. Glass bottles still exist if this is the preferred choice.

99pwithaflake · 07/02/2026 22:22

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Jesus. Read the room.

Woodfiresareamazing · 07/02/2026 22:30

IncompleteSenten · 07/02/2026 19:51

His is an existence, not a life. I feel angry and that he has been robbed of all the things that most people have in life. He is about 6ft tall maybe a tad less I dont know and he's 23 stone at least and built like a brick shithouse and im scared of him and for him.

He is very vulnerable and most people cant see that. They only see the risk he poses to others. They dont see the other side of him that is so loving and caring at times. Im so scared of what will happen to him after me and his dad are dead that I have intrusive thoughts about it.

Caring for a severely disabled and volatile adult who will never live an independent life is very challenging and does not make me want to say things like I wouldn't change a thing or talk about how much he enriches my life and what a blessing it is to be a parent to a severely disabled adult.

He's 26. He should be dating, going on holidays with mates, moaning about his job, maybe saving up to buy a flat.

Instead he is making a variety of high pitched noises while squatting on his bedroom floor curling out a steaming turd then picking it up with his hands and putting it into the camping toilet I put in his room in desperation hoping he'd use that instead of the floor.

I'm angry. It's not fair for him that this is how he is. I would never want him to be like this and I would judge the fuck out of any parent who said they wouldn't change their child no matter what.

Because this, this is "what"

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@Incomplete Senten 💐💐💐

QuietLetdown · 07/02/2026 22:32

DanceAtTheClubOhMama · 07/02/2026 22:03

If you had an ounce of common sense you'd realise that there has been substantial research and ever continuing research of formula. It's extremely regulated and perfectly safe for children.

this thread isn't a breastfeeding vs formula feeding debate so for you to insert that into this thread shows your lack of critical thinking skills.

(From someone who breastfed.)

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"perfectly safe for children"

There has been another Formula recall in the UK just yesterday, following a global recall by Nestle at the beginning of January. Two babies died and there were nationwide shortages in the USA in 2022 when Abbott Labs had to shut down production due to bacterial contamination of their formula. Then there was the 2008 Chinese milk scandal.

"Powdered infant formula is not sterile and can contain harmful bacteria like Cronobacter sakazakii and Bacillus cereus. These bacteria can cause severe infections, such as sepsis or meningitis, particularly in infants under 2 months, premature babies, or those with weakened immune systems."

My brother had meningitis at 4 weeks old and was left severely disabled.

Zov · 07/02/2026 22:37

Sogfree · 07/02/2026 21:36

I know.

It's some people's reality with a disabled child.

This is becoming more common.

I'm certain that young man is a wonderful chap when calm, but I would despair if I was living her life.

The tears of her other son having to witness his mum being attacked again are just as hard to watch.

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This. ^

I could not do it.

I would not do it.

Kirbert2 · 07/02/2026 22:40

QuietLetdown · 07/02/2026 22:32

"perfectly safe for children"

There has been another Formula recall in the UK just yesterday, following a global recall by Nestle at the beginning of January. Two babies died and there were nationwide shortages in the USA in 2022 when Abbott Labs had to shut down production due to bacterial contamination of their formula. Then there was the 2008 Chinese milk scandal.

"Powdered infant formula is not sterile and can contain harmful bacteria like Cronobacter sakazakii and Bacillus cereus. These bacteria can cause severe infections, such as sepsis or meningitis, particularly in infants under 2 months, premature babies, or those with weakened immune systems."

My brother had meningitis at 4 weeks old and was left severely disabled.

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Sepsis isn't an infection, it is a life threatening reaction to an infection. Any infection.

Formula isn't sterile which is why the formula guidelines for making up bottles in the UK are very strict, more strict than the USA.

Hogwartsian · 07/02/2026 22:42

I completely agree with you and it's why I won't be having kids. I like my life how it is.

Keepingthepeace9 · 07/02/2026 22:50

QuietLetdown · 07/02/2026 22:32

"perfectly safe for children"

There has been another Formula recall in the UK just yesterday, following a global recall by Nestle at the beginning of January. Two babies died and there were nationwide shortages in the USA in 2022 when Abbott Labs had to shut down production due to bacterial contamination of their formula. Then there was the 2008 Chinese milk scandal.

"Powdered infant formula is not sterile and can contain harmful bacteria like Cronobacter sakazakii and Bacillus cereus. These bacteria can cause severe infections, such as sepsis or meningitis, particularly in infants under 2 months, premature babies, or those with weakened immune systems."

My brother had meningitis at 4 weeks old and was left severely disabled.

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This is without a doubt an absolute tragedy. How does this statistic compare with the amount of babies who have thrived on formula. What do you suggest the mothers who can't breast feed do?Bank milk could never provide enough. I don't believe it could be guaranteed to be 100% safe every time, especially when it's often delivered rather than collected 🤔

Stressedoutmummyof3 · 07/02/2026 23:13

NeedSlippersNow · 07/02/2026 14:22

I get it OP. I have kids, and this was something I was so scared of when pregnant. I knew if they’d been born with something immediately clear like Downs Syndrome, I’d have to give them up which would be incredibly painful after growing and giving birth to a little human. I’d be mourning the baby I thought I’d have.

I honestly don’t know what I’d do if it was something that became apparent further down the line like severe autism. If I had other children, I could hardly let them live with someone who may be violent so I’d have to put them in care which would be hard.

I was petrified of still birth too. But ultimately I’m so glad I had children and cannot imagine life without them. The chances of things going wrong are slim. I think these fears are common but not something we say out loud in fear of judgment. But many go on to have children and all is well! I wouldn’t let it stop you having children.

Why would you give your child up if they had additional needs? They aren't all violent, they don't all need 1:1 care. Even with severe autism they still don't always lash out and surely you'd have built love and a super bond with your child by the time you knew something was wrong.
I suppose it doesn't matter as presumably you didn't have a child with additional needs but I'm just surprised that you would have given up a child for something they couldn't control.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 07/02/2026 23:29

I suppose it doesn't matter as presumably you didn't have a child with additional needs but I'm just surprised that you would have given up a child for something they couldn't control.

I read that as the poster saying that if they had other children they would put the child in care to protect the others.

If I had other children, I could hardly let them live with someone who may be violent so I’d have to put them in care which would be hard.

Rasperry · 07/02/2026 23:36

People are upset because blankety saying you don’t want a child with any ‘additional needs’ which ranges from fairly minor to severe and life-limiting is extremely broad a completely unrealistic. Children can come with issues even if they’re conceived as healthy for any number of unfortunate reasons.

Nobody wants their child to be disabled but there are mums here who live with disabled children. Some will have had a terrible time, others will have still loved born a parent to the DC. It’s grouping all disabilities (physical, learning, genetic, environmental etc) together. Not all parents to disabled children live devastating lives.

And don’t anyone say ‘close the thread’. It was in the OP, how are people supposed to know it would be triggering?

I don’t have a disabled child, but yes it is insensitive. Everyone would rather their child lives a straightforward life but the bottom line is you either take the plunge or not. You can only reduce risks so much.

DanceAtTheClubOhMama · 07/02/2026 23:57

QuietLetdown · 07/02/2026 22:32

"perfectly safe for children"

There has been another Formula recall in the UK just yesterday, following a global recall by Nestle at the beginning of January. Two babies died and there were nationwide shortages in the USA in 2022 when Abbott Labs had to shut down production due to bacterial contamination of their formula. Then there was the 2008 Chinese milk scandal.

"Powdered infant formula is not sterile and can contain harmful bacteria like Cronobacter sakazakii and Bacillus cereus. These bacteria can cause severe infections, such as sepsis or meningitis, particularly in infants under 2 months, premature babies, or those with weakened immune systems."

My brother had meningitis at 4 weeks old and was left severely disabled.

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Again, you're severely lacking critical thinking here. We are in the UK. Regulations and guidelines are different.
Sepsis is an infection not caused by formula. Hope that helps. Stop bringing your breastfeeding vs formula feeding comments and shameful judgements onto a thread with no relevance. Start your own if you wanna play that game.

Woodfiresareamazing · 08/02/2026 00:36

Keepingthepeace9 · 07/02/2026 21:30

I'm sure the thought of residential care would be heartbreaking. Personally although it would feel like losing a limb I have absolutely no doubt in my mind I would opt for this as long as I had access & home visits etc regularly.

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I would too ...

InterIgnis · 08/02/2026 00:40

Rasperry · 07/02/2026 23:36

People are upset because blankety saying you don’t want a child with any ‘additional needs’ which ranges from fairly minor to severe and life-limiting is extremely broad a completely unrealistic. Children can come with issues even if they’re conceived as healthy for any number of unfortunate reasons.

Nobody wants their child to be disabled but there are mums here who live with disabled children. Some will have had a terrible time, others will have still loved born a parent to the DC. It’s grouping all disabilities (physical, learning, genetic, environmental etc) together. Not all parents to disabled children live devastating lives.

And don’t anyone say ‘close the thread’. It was in the OP, how are people supposed to know it would be triggering?

I don’t have a disabled child, but yes it is insensitive. Everyone would rather their child lives a straightforward life but the bottom line is you either take the plunge or not. You can only reduce risks so much.

“And don’t anyone say ‘close the thread’. It was in the OP, how are people supposed to know it would be triggering?”

The thread title.

Op said it would be devastating for her. That it isn’t devastating for everyone is irrelevant. Op has every right to feel that way, and to express it.

NoKidsSendDogs · 08/02/2026 00:48

Avelin · 07/02/2026 14:15

That’s why I’ve posted! I’m supposed to be coming off the pill.

I wondered if I was weird/paranoid for having these concerns.

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You're not weird or paranoid. I have never wanted children so it's slightly different for me, but I don't think it's unreasonable at all to feel the way you do.

QuietLetdown · 08/02/2026 00:51

DanceAtTheClubOhMama · 07/02/2026 23:57

Again, you're severely lacking critical thinking here. We are in the UK. Regulations and guidelines are different.
Sepsis is an infection not caused by formula. Hope that helps. Stop bringing your breastfeeding vs formula feeding comments and shameful judgements onto a thread with no relevance. Start your own if you wanna play that game.

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Formula can contain "Cronobacter sakazakii, which may cause severe infections in infants, such as sepsis or meningitis". Google it.

We're in the UK and there have already been TWO Formula recalls in the first six weeks of 2026 in the UK. Only two brands of formula sold in the UK have not been impacted by recalls this year.