To move against 18 year olds wishes?

[SkelatorIamNot]

I had children young in life and have always been stuck in the rental trap. I am finally in a position to buy a home and have seen one I particularly like.

My DC is 18 and still lives at home, they do not like the location of the potential house as it is in a different town to where we live now. They don't want to move away from their friends and are worried their dad will be put out as he currently lives in walking distance to us. DC still sees their dad on Sundays, they don't pop in any other time or anything.

DC and I both work in another town which is in between where we live now and the potential new home. The journey to work would be approximately 5 minutes longer than it is now.

To get from new town to current town would be about an hour on the bus but 15 minutes in a car, DC has money saved for driving lessons but hasn't done anything about getting on with them.

Would I be unreasonable to move DC against their wishes or should I buy in our current town? I am also looking in our work town but I particularly like the house I have seen and new town is cheaper so we would get more house for our money.

OP is h moving in with dad an option ? I can see why he’d want to keep things as they are for a couple more years before he’s ready to start looking for his own place to live, but you really shouldn’t buy a house you don’t want for the sake of another adult who’s probably not going to be living with you long term and won’t be paying for it. It would be as foolish as buying a house you can only afford with your adult dcs rent money. You’d be told that was a terrible idea because they’re probably going to move out.

36% go to Uni; God, really? I’d assumed a much higher percentage 😮

That might be fair if OP was moving several hours away. OP is moving a very small distance away.

It's an inconvenience not a lifestyle change for the 18 year old.

If it nudges the 18 year old to get a driving licence that's a good motivation to move tbh.

Go for the house you want. There is a very easy solution which is your DC focusing on learning to drive.

Go for the house you want. DC could easily move on in the next couple of years following their own chosen journey…then you’re left in a house and place you’ve settled for.

Few 18 year olds can afford rent these days. Those who do get university loans. Of course the dc doesn’t want to be away from his friends. Totally normal. Get dad to fund driving lessons and get a car sorted out. Then be awake every night until he gets home. No easy answer. Can you buy nothing that’s a compromise?

The new house is 15 minutes away from his friends... not a great distance.
The child has the money for driving lessons but hasn't bothered to do them. So the OP shouldn't have to put her own stability and life on hold because her now adult child cant be bothered learning to drive.

DC is an adult. It's not your problem.

An 18yo is a legal adult. They either come with you, or they don't.

I could understand it might be unreasonable if you were moving to a completely different part of the country, but a 15 minute drive is nothing. If he doesn't like the bus journey (how often would he need to make it - once a week to see his dad? Can't dad travel?) he will just have to get used to it or learn to drive. Many people commute daily for up to an hour after all.

I would give it a few more years until they are driving before moving towns. Although they are 18, they still very much need you.

i think it’s perfectly reasonable to day in a year your moving to x town and they need to get going with driving in the meantime.

I wouldn't do it, It feels a little like people have a need to have a child or more then once they reach 18 it seems their purpose is no longer required

I dont think parents have to put their whole life on hold but I dont think children are disposable either

The child is not being disposed of 🙄
He’s welcome in the new house, it’s just not located exactly where he’d choose.
Op has limited choice as well, she’s not doing it purposely to annoy her offspring.

What would you think of OP was being evicted (e.g. landlord selling up) and moved 15 minutes away?

She's not disposing of her child... she's ensuring stability and a future. They aren't moving a million miles away.

You can still admit that it sucks for the 18yr old but 15 minutes up the road, and only a 5 minute difference in commute to work cannot surely be seen as DISPOSING of a child?

They're an adult so they have lots of choices. For a start, they can take some responsibility for their own life and learn to drive. Or get a flat of their own and live wherever they want.
It's particularly unreasonable of them to try to get you to stay there as it's close to your exH.
If the new house suits you then I'd buy it. They can make it work for themselves or not.

@SkelatorIamNot are you any closer to deciding what you’re going to do or had any further chats with your family about it?

Unless your dc has a load of money to enable you to stay in the area you live in currently and they pay for 50% of the house deposit and also will be paying 50% of the mortgage then no your dc can either move with you or go and live with their dad! Or house share or whatever

It’s nothing to do with ‘taking responsibility’. The vast majority of 18 year olds cannot afford to live independently. 90%+ of 18 year olds live at home.

A number of posts on this thread are totally removed from reality. 18 year olds are either at sixth form/college, an apprenticeship, a low paid role or heading to uni. How are they going to find rent and bills?

Of course the OP doesn’t need to put her life on hold, but she does have a continuing responsibility to her DS. It’s not like he can just go down the letting agents and move elsewhere tomorrow.

Equally, driving lessons are only one aspect of driving costs. The car itself will need buying and insurance is astronomical at that age. It’s not fair to expect him to have to find a fortune to simply see his friends.

Sorry I was busy last night - moving in with dad is not an option. We separated 16 years ago and he has never done a single overnight. I think another poster hit the nail on the head when they said that DS is worried he won’t see dad if it’s not easy and convenient.

I am still looking at houses but I am 90% sure I am going to offer on this one.

I am more than happy for DC to have friends round, his friend is staying for the entire half term so that won’t matter which town we are in.

Just to add, I have no particular desire to move to new town, I have just managed to find a house that I love, that is affordable and has space for all of the children (I have 3) yo have their own rooms if they need to return. DS1 is at uni so needs home for holidays, DC2 is 18 no plans for uni and no desire to move out yet and DC3 is a younger teen not bothered about the location as long as they don’t have to change school, which they won’t as I will drop them off at school on my way to work and collect them on my way home. They have various clubs and activities so although a pain, we will make it work for the two years they have left.

In that case, your ex had better not dare even open his mouth about any of this.

@JonesTown Agree. Some bizarre ideas about what an 18 year old can do on their own. They either have no dc or are very old and removed from reality.

The op will just have to be in her car more but I would not expect dc to be happy even if op is.

I don't agree. Yes, many 18 year olds live at home. Mine both did. It's hard to afford to move out. But neither of mine tried to dictate where we lived.

And yes, learning to drive, running a car is expensive. But still, many, many 18 year olds can drive. Both mine passed their tests before they were 18. We shared a car. And they could both ride a bike and walk. Not to mention, they were capable of catching a bus.

There's a massive difference between an 18 year old who lives at home and one that still behaves like a child, demanding everything revolves around them.