To move against 18 year olds wishes?

[SkelatorIamNot]

I had children young in life and have always been stuck in the rental trap. I am finally in a position to buy a home and have seen one I particularly like.

My DC is 18 and still lives at home, they do not like the location of the potential house as it is in a different town to where we live now. They don't want to move away from their friends and are worried their dad will be put out as he currently lives in walking distance to us. DC still sees their dad on Sundays, they don't pop in any other time or anything.

DC and I both work in another town which is in between where we live now and the potential new home. The journey to work would be approximately 5 minutes longer than it is now.

To get from new town to current town would be about an hour on the bus but 15 minutes in a car, DC has money saved for driving lessons but hasn't done anything about getting on with them.

Would I be unreasonable to move DC against their wishes or should I buy in our current town? I am also looking in our work town but I particularly like the house I have seen and new town is cheaper so we would get more house for our money.

I have a child the same age and one older who doesn't live at home. I would have some understanding of how they felt, but I wouldn't change my mind. I would probably offer lifts back to the old town as much as I could, as this might make them feel better about it if it's only 15 mins.
Driving lessons are very expensive these days and where we live there is a massive wait for tests.
I would go for the house regardless if you like it, as your DC could move out within the next few years.

They could if they had to most people in there mid 20s don't live at home anymore they have full time jobs and there own families to support

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

I bloody wish.

...and breathe.

Don’t let your adult child dictate your life choices, particularly when it is merely inconveniencing theirs.

Will you still be sat in the same house in 10 years time if that is what your son wants ? He is an adult, he can go and live with his Dad,

Whats it got to do with his dad?! Your son isn’t paying towards it from what you have said so it’s tough. It’s hardly a big move 🤷‍♀️

Are they disabled? Do they have partners and children living with you? Are they actually saving for a mortgage or anything? Mid 20s is quite old to still be at home and be expecting parents to still be financially supporting them.

I’d move. Your DS needs to pull his finger out with driving lessons; to sweeten the deal, I’d help organise and pay for these. Meanwhile, offer lifts and there’s Uber? It’ll take a few months for this to happen anyway, so he has time. I think a father who lives walking distance but cba to see his child more than once a week should not be entering into any equation here.

I moved a greater distance against my 18 year old's wishes. They love it here now and wouldn't want to move back 'home'.

It sucks for your DC but they are an adult. You need to make the best decision for you now, you've spent the last 20 years putting your kids first. Its 15 minutes, not 15 hours.

Dad can be put out all he wants, he's your ex for a reason. He doesn't get to dictate your life, much like you couldn't opine on his.

You wants stability and this is your best option right now. Your kid can either get on board or go live with their Dad or strangers.

I absolutely understand they don't want to move, but life is unfair sometimes.

I am moving 200 miles and my DD (youngest of 3) has to suck it up as I’ve waited 15yrs plus to relocate and am 49 with no mortgage started. She actually doesn’t mind, but I have explained why I need to move, and she seems ok about it. Might seem harsh, and my 22yr old son i’m sure feels a bit upset but he lives with his gf and has a live of his own. Hoping he moves the same way when he is tired of London, and the cost. You’re not even moving far. I have sacrificed a lot to stay here so my DC can finish education so don’t feel guilty about moving now. I am running out of time to start a mortgage.

Your child will be soon off on their own journey in life without so much as a backwards glance! As is the normal running order of things.
Move OP, this is your next chapter. Enjoy your new home and congrats sorting it all out.

The average age of "Leaving home for good" in England and Wales according to ONS is 28. Many have left for periods like university or other training but return home. Half of 25 year olds still live at home.

Average age of first time buyer is 34.

Most people don’t have families of their own at that age. The average age for first time mothers in the uk is 29. So expecting an 18 year old to be self sufficient is a bit ambitious.

OP I think you should put your needs first on this occasion. You should still support your DC and help facilitate lifts, bus passes, driving lessons etc but you don’t need to put your life on hold for them. Just try and be supportive and use it as a opportunity to help them gain their independence

Surely the obvious solution is for DC to move in with their Dad?

Plenty of kids his age will be studying the other side of the country, or away with the armed forces, or will be off travelling. Unless he has significant SEND needs your son will be absolutely fine taking the bus for an hour at his age until he gets his licence. It's not much of a compromise in exchange for somewhere nice to live.

I think it is quite cheeky of him to centre himself and his father in decisions which ultimately are yours.

Why doesn't he move in with his dad?

The point they’re making is “they would move out if they had no choice”.

There's nothing wrong with living with parents into adulthood and I hope my kids do as it’s obviously more economical.

But the idea that a mid-20s adult with a job cannot afford to live anywhere independently is bonkers.

At that point, you seriously need to reevaluate your finances, where is the money going !

But for OP, it’s your choice where you live. You’ve put your dc first their entire childhood, it’s quite self-centred to expect you to keep renting so they can live in their preferred location. There’s the option to move in with dad or stay there more frequently. Or learn to drive and travel.

Off topic but just off the back of the last few posts re. Moving out - I find it sad how in so many countries including the UK a single young adult will struggle to live alone.

It surely keeps many in sub-par or even abusive relationships as well as pressures some people into moving in with their boyfriends/girlfriends earlier than they would have liked to.

A flatshare is technically an option but there are risks with that too especially as a woman.

For example having a creepy or inappropriate male around - it may not even be your flatmate it could be their boyfriend or some random man they decide to bring home.

Even if you don’t have a crazy flatmate, living with strangers - or even friends - is not at all desirable or practical for everyone for various good reasons. People have different levels of cleanliness, different expectations regarding noise, guests etc, I have so many stories from my flatsharing days! Not all bad but many of them are 😫 I live alone now and always say I’d only live with someone again if they were my partner. Because only a deep love would make me put up with sharing my space ever again!

I’m a single Mum in AU. I’m 54. My son is 18 too. I’ve been in the rental trap for a long time and yearn to own my own house. I can’t keep up with prices and can’t cobble together a decent deposit. As other posters have said: this is YOUR time, YOUR moment. Your son will adapt and you will flourish. Seize the opportunity to be happy is my advice.

You understand how you get an average right 🤔 also I wasn't talking about op 18 year old I was replying to the poster who has adult children in there mid 20s still living at home and she said that it would be impossible for them to afford to move out and I was pointing out if they had to they would.

Which also means 50% of under 25 year olds don't. I don't know anyone living with parents past early 20s

Yes I do understand how averages work. You stated that ‘most people in there mid 20s don't live at home anymore they have full time jobs and there own families to support’. It’s not possible for ‘most’ to be living independently with families of their own if the average age for having children is almost 30. I know plenty of people still living at home mid 20s because it’s pretty difficult to save tens of thousands for a house deposit if your renting.