DD is from a 'bad family'

[SecretSwirrel]

Lone parent here with very little family support due to aging parents etc. But I am managing the best I can.

Dd is also awaiting ADHD diagnosis so obvs parenting comes with challenges. She masks a lot at school so I don't think this has been said in retaliation how she has behaved....

She has come home today very upset, a boy in her class has told her she's from a 'bad family'. I have been sensing slightly off, judgy vibes from his mum so tbh I'm not really surprised. Only this woman is actually a teacher (thankfully not at the same school).

How do I educate my DD to stand up to these hateful comments?

How do they know you?
you don’t seem to like her so why care, how old is dd?
tell her sadly we can’t control the nonsense people think

i don't think this is something that you "stand up to" i think you prove them wrong by doing well at school and leading an ethical righteous life.

Obviously “bad” in this context is subjective and if they’re little the other child would have heard this from someone else. Do you think the mother is judging because you’re a single parent? (This also happened to me.)

I think you tell DD that people often have illogical opinions that aren’t based on any kind of fact. If she’s a nice person, who respects other people, takes care to look out for her community and tries hard in school they will be proven wrong. Saying things like that reflects more poorly on them than anyone else. What does a “bad family” even mean these days?

How old is your dd?

I've been looking at strategies to fight bullying to teach my own dc. I watched a YT video recently: Bully Proof Your Child in 11 Minutes.
It's good to arm them with things to do and say in addition to reporting to their teacher (and telling me).

Depending on how old they are, I'd do a mix of teaching (what does a "good" family look like, what are your core values etc, be proud of who you are and your behaviour) and snark (deepest apologies Lady Grantham/your highness, shall I fetch the butler to wipe your tears etc etc etc)

Tell your dd to reply that he is from a worse family for judging her family and repeat

I’d talk to her about sexism, and give her some examples including how in lone parent families people often criticise the woman who stayed and not the man who left.

I'm so sorry OP, that is vile and 99% likely that boy is parroting what his awful parents are saying at his house. I feel sorry for that kid more than your DD since he has such shitty judgmental parents.

Horrible people like that are often projecting their own shit. I wouldn't waste the time in speculating on a basic stranger, but the lowest of the low get their kicks and feel better about themselves by putting other people down. Fuck those parents.

Just remind her that what he said can’t be true at all because she has an awesome mum! Then explain that he’s either mean or mistaken and she shouldn’t waste her time worrying about what he thinks. Perhaps easier said than done, but don’t let on that the comments bother you as they really shouldn’t.
Some teachers say all sorts of things about students and their parents in front of their kids. I think in this instance it’s best for your daughter just to ignore the boy as saying something back might just encourage him.

Thank you for the recommendation. I just watched the video and it’s excellent.

I agree with @EvangelineTheNightStar and @Kiwi09 teaching children to take what other people say with a pinch of salt serves them well. "That's your opinion and I'm not interested in your opinion." Might work shut him up. But saying it on repeat will make it more true for her until she is genuinely able to brush off other people's cruel words. It will be a skill she will find useful for her entire life.

I don't think this is something one actually needs to stand up to. Help DD understand people will judge us whatever we do. You do you and try your best to be a good person, all their opinions speak more about them than about you.

I'm so glad to hear that! Thank you for letting me know. 🫶
I was thinking I could practice those same strategies! 💡

I would tell my child that if the same kid said that the sun was blue would she believe it? Just because someone says something doesn't make it true. The problem here is he said something untrue that was hurtful. Tell her that she can tell the boy that

1. It's not true 2. Even if untrue It's a vile and hurtful thing to say. This is why I keep my opinions (sometimes judgmental) to myself because I know that children repeat things they hear, not necessarily maliciously.

I'd tell DD that bullies have something wrong with them, some problem in their lives that is making them believe that empathy and niceness will make them weak.

Don't address the details of what this kid said. His opinion doesn't matter at all.

Unless you’re from the criminal underworld it’s not relevant.

I always told my children that the best thing to do with bullies is to ignore them. They do it for a reaction. I’d make a joke out of it with your daughter. Ignore them, people who behave like that are not happy themselves.

Kids can be so cruel and more often than not, they are hearing these comments from their parents. My dd came home from school upset a few weeks ago and said that a girl in her class had told her, your mum and dad split up because your dad cheated. She was right but it happened 4 years ago, not sure why it’s a topic of conversation in another house but some people thrive on it! I would educate your daughter by telling her the ‘bad family’ are the ones who speak Ill of others!

I'd embarrass the boy's mother by mentioning his comments to the teacher so she can handle the situation. With any luck the teacher will use it as a class learning opportunity about being kind & inclusive regardless of people's backgrounds.

You literally laugh and point out that a bad family is one that is judgemental of others. In our family we are kind and thoughtful, so I think we're a very good family. What do you think, DD?

Help her see the bigger picture, that this is that family being unfair, not anything wrong with your family.

The reason why I advised telling the teacher is because she'd speak to the boy's mum. So another person knowing that his comments were most likely picked up from his family is helpful.

His mum sounds like she has a superiority complex so her son's behaviour is a reflection on her poor parenting skills. Which is ironic because the woman is a teacher so name and shame so to nip this awful behaviour in the bud.

chefs kiss

you don’t seem to like her so why care

🙄

Of course OP cares, her daughter could be being bullied and the person contributing to it could be a woman (a teacher at a different school) who is badmouthing OP/her family, which is impacting OP’s dd’s school life.

How do you not understand that?

Brush it off. There’s no need to give this more attention than it’s worth by “standing up” to it. The bigger deal we make of something, the bigger deal it becomes. Don’t teach your child to take shit like this to heart. I would honestly laugh it off (with your child) as silly judgey nonsense and tell her some people are just like that. It isn’t very nice, but it’s also a load of rubbish, so not worth getting upset over. Make a joke of it if you want. Sounds like you’re a hardworking, kind family. Nothing wrong with that. You know the theory of “let them”. This is one of those times.