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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD is from a 'bad family'

72 replies

SecretSwirrel · 04/02/2026 23:28

Lone parent here with very little family support due to aging parents etc. But I am managing the best I can.

Dd is also awaiting ADHD diagnosis so obvs parenting comes with challenges. She masks a lot at school so I don't think this has been said in retaliation how she has behaved....

She has come home today very upset, a boy in her class has told her she's from a 'bad family'. I have been sensing slightly off, judgy vibes from his mum so tbh I'm not really surprised. Only this woman is actually a teacher (thankfully not at the same school).

How do I educate my DD to stand up to these hateful comments?

OP posts:
EverythingGolden · 05/02/2026 07:17

You haven’t said how old they are. I wouldn’t automatically assume his mum has said it as kids say all sorts of rubbish, she may have done. I would tell the teacher about it and tell dd what nonsense he is spouting and it says more about him than her because he must dislike himself to be so unkind to others.

Screamingabdabz · 05/02/2026 07:22

BustyLaRoux · 05/02/2026 07:17

Brush it off. There’s no need to give this more attention than it’s worth by “standing up” to it. The bigger deal we make of something, the bigger deal it becomes. Don’t teach your child to take shit like this to heart. I would honestly laugh it off (with your child) as silly judgey nonsense and tell her some people are just like that. It isn’t very nice, but it’s also a load of rubbish, so not worth getting upset over. Make a joke of it if you want. Sounds like you’re a hardworking, kind family. Nothing wrong with that. You know the theory of “let them”. This is one of those times.

This.

If you want to ‘bully proof’ your kid tell them not to rise to every utterance of spurious shit that comes from other kids.

Dollymylove · 05/02/2026 07:22

Tell DD to take no notice. Thats what my mum told me, and what I told my kids. Pretty sure teachers have enough going on without having to sort out playground rivalries as well. Its part of life and growing up

BarMonaco · 05/02/2026 07:26

That's quite nasty and personal. I'd mention it to the teacher.

GeneralPeter · 05/02/2026 07:31

We can’t possibly judge this kind of thing.

We’ve no idea what any of these four people have said or done. Just OP’s take, which is that the other mum must be to blame and the boy’s behaviour is “hateful”.

Maybe she’s right or maybe this is completely on its head.

Sassylovesbooks · 05/02/2026 07:34

How old is your daughter? How you explain a situation like this to your daughter is going to depend on her age, there's a difference between a child aged 7 to aged 12! The statement 'bad family' could mean anything....you don't live in the nicest part of town, to having criminal connections, your daughter's behaviour at school to your daughter coming from a single parent family.

If your daughter is older, I would say 'the boy's comment says a lot about his family and their attitudes towards others, than it does about you'.

This boy's Mum has this consensus of your daughter and therefore her family. This boy has picked up this attitude from his Mum, it's unlikely something he's decided. However, where has the Mum got this impression from? Gossip? Or things her son has told him regarding your daughter?

BertSymptom · 05/02/2026 07:35

ElevensesKing · 05/02/2026 07:10

The reason why I advised telling the teacher is because she'd speak to the boy's mum. So another person knowing that his comments were most likely picked up from his family is helpful.

His mum sounds like she has a superiority complex so her son's behaviour is a reflection on her poor parenting skills. Which is ironic because the woman is a teacher so name and shame so to nip this awful behaviour in the bud.

I agree with this.

I don’t think the onus should solely be on a young girl to learn not be upset by this. She’s been singled out and judged as being from a bad family by her peers. The OP thinks this is because they fall short of the perfect nuclear family model. That’s really not on.

The young boy has picked this up from somewhere and is using it as an insult. It sounds like OP’s DD isn’t the only one who has some lessons to learn here.

BarMonaco · 05/02/2026 07:35

You could tell your dd some children say nasty things as their parents are too lazy to show them how to be kind. True

user37597473785 · 05/02/2026 07:35

When our kids started school many years ago, the headmaster did the same speech for both starting assembly’s in September - “if you only believe half of what your child tells you about us, we will only believe half of what they tell us about you”

I’d not take it to heart, things repeated out of context often become misinterpreted. The woman may have been criticising your child’s absent father not you. I wouldn’t make it into a big deal with your DD unless this child is repeatedly taunting her.

I get why you feel harangued though - young kids/elderly parents is a killer. Make sure you’re looking after you too!

5128gap · 05/02/2026 07:38

If you see the mum, I'd speak to her. I'd say that DD came home upset because her DS had said she was from a bad family. And that while you understand DC can say unkind things, this is quite a serious remark as it could be taken to mean she isn't being properly looked after, and that type of gossip is malicious and harmful to a child and family. Say you'd appreciate if she could approach it with her DS.
You would need to be very confident and assertive because you need to dispel any stereotype she may have of a struggling single mum, inferior and fair game, who isn't going to defend herself.
Because its almost certain she did say this. So the problem is her, not her child, and I'd want to show her she can't expect to say such things without being challenged.

BarMonaco · 05/02/2026 07:41

ElevensesKing · 05/02/2026 07:00

I'd embarrass the boy's mother by mentioning his comments to the teacher so she can handle the situation. With any luck the teacher will use it as a class learning opportunity about being kind & inclusive regardless of people's backgrounds.

Edited

I agree. The problem with doing nothing and telling the child to ignore it is it's teaching them to be a doormat and accept people being nasty to them

Namechangerage · 05/02/2026 07:49

If it’s a one off then tell your DD to ignore, if it’s a pattern then speak to her teacher (factual information not how you feel judged by the mum)

Namechangerage · 05/02/2026 07:50

5128gap · 05/02/2026 07:38

If you see the mum, I'd speak to her. I'd say that DD came home upset because her DS had said she was from a bad family. And that while you understand DC can say unkind things, this is quite a serious remark as it could be taken to mean she isn't being properly looked after, and that type of gossip is malicious and harmful to a child and family. Say you'd appreciate if she could approach it with her DS.
You would need to be very confident and assertive because you need to dispel any stereotype she may have of a struggling single mum, inferior and fair game, who isn't going to defend herself.
Because its almost certain she did say this. So the problem is her, not her child, and I'd want to show her she can't expect to say such things without being challenged.

I do like this though if you can remain calm

Yesiamtiredactually · 05/02/2026 07:53

i think an option could be to talk with your DD about it some more. Maybe ask her what does she think is a bad family? Is that a family who are unkind? Who don’t love each other? Who are noisy? It could mean anything to her. But unpicking that and asking her to think about how her understanding is likely to be very different to what she knows to be true of you and her family could help her to properly KNOW that she isn’t from a bad family.

Rather than to just poo poo it and brush it off, really helping her to realise and understand actually the truth could be a building block for dealing with other similar situations in the future?

5128gap · 05/02/2026 07:56

BarMonaco · 05/02/2026 07:41

I agree. The problem with doing nothing and telling the child to ignore it is it's teaching them to be a doormat and accept people being nasty to them

Show quote history

Exactly this. Also because this sort of remark is almost always made about families based on socio economic circumstances, or struggling with illness or disability, or headed by a single woman, who people look down on. Its really important that children don't grow up feeling that those who consider themselves socially superior can treat them as they please, or worse, internalise the comments, which can have long term impact on self esteem. This isn't a 'your mum's stinky' type comment to be brushed off. That remark has meaning.

Lavender14 · 05/02/2026 07:56

5128gap · 05/02/2026 07:38

If you see the mum, I'd speak to her. I'd say that DD came home upset because her DS had said she was from a bad family. And that while you understand DC can say unkind things, this is quite a serious remark as it could be taken to mean she isn't being properly looked after, and that type of gossip is malicious and harmful to a child and family. Say you'd appreciate if she could approach it with her DS.
You would need to be very confident and assertive because you need to dispel any stereotype she may have of a struggling single mum, inferior and fair game, who isn't going to defend herself.
Because its almost certain she did say this. So the problem is her, not her child, and I'd want to show her she can't expect to say such things without being challenged.

I think the problem is you don't actually know what she said or why she said it. It's also possible that ops dd upset the son in some way and the mum made a hash of trying to encourage him to be kinder to dd, or he misunderstood her point. So I also think I'd approach it with her but I'd start from giving her the benefit of the doubt and give her a chance to fix it with her son.

In terms of your dd, depending on her age which is what everything depends on, I'd be trying to explore what she thinks a good or bad family looks like and explain that families come in loads of shapes and sizes and that good families love and look after their kids and that you really love dd and you look after her well so that means you are a good family. I'd explain that the other boy hasn't learnt this yet so he's got things wrong and not to pay him any mind. I would also watch to see if this is a pattern in which case I'd be going straight to the school to nip in the bud.

SamPoodle123 · 05/02/2026 07:57

Yikes, how horrible. I would take a step back and think why might this child be saying that. Is dd late to school sometimes? Many behavioral issues? I would try to tackle those before getting so defensive. However, I would also explain to dd that people can sometimes say mean things, just ignore it (while you take it into account and see what can be done to improve).

DontKillSteve · 05/02/2026 08:02

I’d talk to the teacher about this. They should speak to the boys mother. This sort of shit needs to be called out.

Bestfootforward11 · 05/02/2026 08:08

I think I maybe would try to laugh it off first and say oh right and he is the son of a king I suppose? Anyway what shall we have for tea?
the mum- don’t give a second thought. I say to my DD that there’s always someone who has something to say that’s unkind and that’s more about them than the person they are talking to.
I’m trying with my DD to work on the idea that everyone has opinions but they are not facts. We need to find ways to try feel good about ourselves inside because while some people are kind, some are not and we can’t let our ability to have a good day be impacted by someone who has randomly decided to be unkind. Have to say, still a work in progress and I’m taking in comment's from other posters as I do find this hard to navigate. I want to build resilience but at the same time acknowledge there my DD is hurt and wrongdoing there too. Good luck.

EdithBond · 05/02/2026 08:12

BustyLaRoux · 05/02/2026 07:17

Brush it off. There’s no need to give this more attention than it’s worth by “standing up” to it. The bigger deal we make of something, the bigger deal it becomes. Don’t teach your child to take shit like this to heart. I would honestly laugh it off (with your child) as silly judgey nonsense and tell her some people are just like that. It isn’t very nice, but it’s also a load of rubbish, so not worth getting upset over. Make a joke of it if you want. Sounds like you’re a hardworking, kind family. Nothing wrong with that. You know the theory of “let them”. This is one of those times.

Hi OP

Depends on you DD’s age what/how to explain to her.

But, in general, two points:

Fully agree with @BustyLaRoux (good name). Laugh and brush it off. Not everyone’s going to like us. We can only set our own standards and be kind and polite to them. And if they don’t like us, it doesn’t matter. As long as we like ourselves. Usually people who judge or say nasty things aren’t fully confident in themselves. That’s their problem. You can only feel sorry for them. You know you’re not a bad family and he’s talking nonsense.

In future, if she wants to challenge what someone says, I find the best way (e.g. with racists, sexists etc) is to ask questions: ‘Why do you think that?’. It’s not defensive and less confrontational than saying you disagree or they’re wrong. It pushes it back on the person who said it to explain and justify themselves. You don’t have to say anything. If they give you an answer, you can ask why again, e.g. ‘How do you know that?’ or ‘Really, where’s the proof for that?’. After a few ‘whys’ it often becomes apparent they’re an ignorant twerp who hasn’t thought deeply enough to substantiate their own nasty thoughts.

But, given this one’s already happened, I’d advise your DD to ‘do an Elsa’ and let it go.

museumum · 05/02/2026 08:15

I would be healthily sceptical about what the boy said /meant and not instantly put your assumptions/worries on it. Especially if they’re young.
I’ve honestly never heard “bad family” used about a single mum who minds her own business. I’ve only heard it said about families who cause antisocial issues for their neighbours, have one or more members in prison and the police at the door regularly.
Unless your ex was like this you are not what anybody normal would judge a bad family. If you and ex did have police involvement then your dd might need more support processing the fallout from that.

maybe the boys family is ultra religious? I know some families don’t socialise outside their own church congregation.

Gini87 · 05/02/2026 08:20

Years ago my sister was deemed "not good enough" by her then boyfriend's parents. They were 16 at the time. They lived in a lovely detached house, mother was a Headteacher of a local primary school and father was a Professor of Maths at the nearby University. This was very much in contrast to our parents. My mum came home from parents evening once and very upset because the parents had been so rude to them and sneery attitude.

Fast forward a few years. My sister has gone off to university to train to be a paediatric nurse. Their son? In prison for fraud. Ironically I was a primary school teacher then and the school where this mother was the Head had a vacancy. I enquired about a visit ahead of an application. I didn't reveal who I was to her. At the very end and with no intention of making a job application, I asked how her son was - knowing full well he was in prison. I then told her who I was! Her face was a picture and she made up some story about him doing very well. I knew the truth and just smiled and left.

Twiglets1 · 05/02/2026 08:22

SecretSwirrel · 04/02/2026 23:28

Lone parent here with very little family support due to aging parents etc. But I am managing the best I can.

Dd is also awaiting ADHD diagnosis so obvs parenting comes with challenges. She masks a lot at school so I don't think this has been said in retaliation how she has behaved....

She has come home today very upset, a boy in her class has told her she's from a 'bad family'. I have been sensing slightly off, judgy vibes from his mum so tbh I'm not really surprised. Only this woman is actually a teacher (thankfully not at the same school).

How do I educate my DD to stand up to these hateful comments?

It's probably best your daughter ignores such comments from ignorant people (or what the boy may have picked up from his ignorant mother).

Just explain to her about the importance of being kind to people and trying not to hurt anyone's feelings.

Explain to her that some people are not nice in this world unfortunately but we always try to be.

Boilingfrogatprimaryschool · 05/02/2026 08:28

I'm of an age where I would call this out, but I'm in that peri-menopausal couldn't give a shit stage so appreciate you may not want to do the same 😀
You can either
a) tell him you are not a bad family and leave it at that
b) speak to the school who, if they have anything about them, should discuss being 'kind and non-judgemental' in class, as a starting point, and tell your son to inform the teacher if anything like that is said in the future.
c) Or you can WhatApps the mum and say what had happened, starting the message 'I don't know where your son has got this idea from...' and ending it '...please tell him to be kind'. If you want to make her really squirm you could even suggest a setting up a playdate so you all get to know each other better and become 'firm friends in the future'.
d) I wouldn't tell him you are not a bad family but the other child obviously comes from one that is both bad and snobby because if this gets back to the mum it just sets off a chain of under-the-radar nastiness.

EdithBond · 05/02/2026 08:35

Gini87 · 05/02/2026 08:20

Years ago my sister was deemed "not good enough" by her then boyfriend's parents. They were 16 at the time. They lived in a lovely detached house, mother was a Headteacher of a local primary school and father was a Professor of Maths at the nearby University. This was very much in contrast to our parents. My mum came home from parents evening once and very upset because the parents had been so rude to them and sneery attitude.

Fast forward a few years. My sister has gone off to university to train to be a paediatric nurse. Their son? In prison for fraud. Ironically I was a primary school teacher then and the school where this mother was the Head had a vacancy. I enquired about a visit ahead of an application. I didn't reveal who I was to her. At the very end and with no intention of making a job application, I asked how her son was - knowing full well he was in prison. I then told her who I was! Her face was a picture and she made up some story about him doing very well. I knew the truth and just smiled and left.

Great story.

Often happens with arrogant people who think they’re superior.

I have a working class accent, though never thought about it growing up. In my first week of uni, a posh kid in the same year made a comment about the course I was on and how I’d be unlikely to succeed in that field because of my accent. I was so shocked (no one had ever remarked on my accent before) but I laughed at him.

He failed his first year. I graduated with top grades, later did a masters and have had a successful career, including lots of media appearances and speaking events.