What happens when everyone needs ‘support’ and no one is left to give it?

[HereBeFuckery]

Fair warning: I may well be BU.

The last five threads I have opened have contained variations on the phrase ‘I need support to/with/for’ or ‘there isn’t enough support for parents/families etc’

I genuinely feel that there is an epidemic of ‘needing support’. If everyone needs support, who is going to be left to actually give that support? It can’t be endless! If every child needs personalised support in school, and every adult needs support in the workplace, we are, surely, just marking time until everything implodes. Can no one just cope any more?

I’ll probably get shot down for this but I think conditions like ASD/ADHD are not only massively overdiagnosed now, but many then believe they have this lifelong disability they need help with, and hide behind this label. My brother is autistic but in his 40s and he was diagnosed in an era when possibly 1 in 100 children were ASD. Now it seems much higher than that but the children have much milder forms to my eye than before. What is the point on diagnosing when there’s no support for these children/adults? Diagnosing more at lower levels is going to stretch the much needed help those higher up on the spectrum desperately need.

Another thing is the huge focus on “mental health” even at primary school level. Just let kids be! They don’t need to learn this terminology so young. All it does is make them think there’s something wrong with them.

I do think your data is a bit skewed though.

You've come on a forum where people post for advice, which in itself is a form of asking for support.

If the last 5 threads you've opened are people seeking support, then 100% of the people you've looked at need it. However, if every thread has 50 posters offering support then it's only really 10% needing with 90% giving.

If you're having to provide support then to you it will feel like everyone needs it. Not everyone does at the same time. I'm not needing or providing much support right now but a year ago I needed a lot. 6 months ago I was providing a lot.

It ebbs and flows.

So much of this is related to the situation our economy is in.

More people need support - practical, mental health, whatever - as precarious finances push up stressors.

At the same time, there is less funding for statutory support services so the "early help" models of the early 2000s aren't there. You have to wait until crisis to get help.

Charities, voluntary services and informal community models have traditionally relied on (mostly female) volunteers who are under 75 and retired, or SAHPs. People now can't retire or stay out of paid work long term, so don't volunteer. (Or, they're ill with what should have been a minor issue but it couldnt be nipped in the bud due to reduced service capacity, and has left them unable to volunteer / help DS with childcare!)

Pretty much everyone's a little bit worse off these days and we're nearly 20 years on from 2008, when a lot of issues started. In my depressing opinion, we are at a tipping point and the world as a whole is about to become very dark indeed.

I found myself with zero support after a serious back injury left me stuck on the floor and passing out over the period of a few weeks. I had to basically tell anyone I knew that I was stuck and a few people picked up the basic things like picking my child up from school. I was very uncomfortable about it and felt awful. My neighbour who previously I wasn’t very close to helped me SO MUCH. Since then I’m so much more into our community where we live and I can see the value in community whereas before I couldn’t.. I’d now help anyone who needed and Im much less dismissive of people who previously I wouldn’t have given much thought to. there’s a real love and humanity there that I couldn’t see before.

Well it is about to implode isn’t it.
Councils are stretched beyond limits with SEN costs and social care (which includes all ages)
There are thousands of TA vacancies. Supportive living or even support at home can barely cover the basics.

You can’t move here legally without a salary of about £40k which a lot of care roles just don’t pay.

So as with everything you either pay a vulture private firm and eye watering amount (so the wealthy as always will be ok), raise council tax which even the Reform led councils who are all for “low state low tax” are doing because now they have seen the accounts the “drain the swamp of excess spending” is easy to say but in reality “everything is already cut to the bone”, raise taxes but that isn’t popular because no one can join the dots that if there is no support then people who need help may end up a liability on the streets or die in their home after an accident.

It’s already happening, families break up through pressure, working adults leave the workforce to care at home, people sell their houses just to not die.

These aren’t families who aren’t resilient they are at the end of resilience.

It also contributes to a lower birth rate, because people are seeing how “on your own” you really are or how precarious or risky having a child is.

And traditionally support was given by women in society free because they were around. Now they are not.

Then throw in expectations of entitlement - this applies to everyone from pensioners downwards.

Plus the added cost of raising a child or two with childcare, uni fees, car insurance, house deposit, people are trying to support their own, that’s natural, their isn’t much left for anyone else.

So yes what used to be support in the community has all but gone and that support is now needed by paid strangers of which there is only a finite amount.

Hence the increased posts of there needs to be more support. Fewer people can afford to give things for free.

Probably because everyone is told go off sick any time there is a y in the day of week

I think part of the problem is that the word support is vastly overused and for such a range of ideas.

if someone says they need “a bit more support” what does it mean? Often, I think it’s used as a euphemism for money/benefits, particularly when talking about a large amorphous group like “parents”.

If an individual needs support the same word gets used whether they could do with a 30 minute chat with a friend once a week or require someone to accompany them every time they leave the house.

I think if what was actually needed was clearer it might not seem so unmanageable.

"No, I haven't got the capacity" is a sentence that I used a lot in a team like this.

And then I moved to a team where I'm happy to provide support because it's reciprocal.

When you are the one always giving support it can feel like everyone needs it. But it's not the case across the board.

I agree with you OP. I think it’s got worse over the last few years and there are fewer communities. I absolutely do not begrudge those who truly need it but these days there is a sense that everyone feels entitled to ‘getting support’. As someone who has provided such support over the past years in various capacities, it’s exhausting.

This.

If every child needs support in school then it's indicative that the set up is wrong and what you do is start again with the education system.

Agree. I was reading a thread on here about someone diagnosed with something and saying how shocked she was then I’d say 70% of the responders were saying they’d also been ‘diagnosed’ I’m not sure why we are in a society now that has to have a problem/issue or be diagnosed with something and won’t just accept some of us are a bit different! Not everything needs a diagnoses or support!

DS has suspected autism. We were told that he would be lost in a mainstream system but would likely not qualify for help as he isn't mute or violent etc.

We sold up our house, downsized as much as possible, took loans from both grandparents and work long hours to pay for private schools and private therapies.

I guess that's what happens when everyone needs support. It's a truly shitty situation to be in.

Absolutely this! The curriculum in primary is horrendous (I know! I’ve taught it!) and most children struggle to keep up with it. Lots of adults would struggle!

Yeah well we do. And I pay a lot of tax as well every month. A lot of us go round supporting others - family, children, elderly parents, friends, colleagies, charities and voluntary work. Yet the one time I needed support from the state with a teenager who needed mental health support, it was not there and I had to go private. In fact school and the local authority supported with one hand and slapped with the other.

Yeah I agree OP. I am normally the one giving support, but recently I’ve been really struggling but there’s been no one to support me. It’s hard but I’ve just got on with it because what’s the alternative (and yes I have considered that).

It's quite frightening when you think that, in thirty years or so, there will be so few people resilient enough to support the elderly, very young or disabled, be that through direct care or paying into NI through consistent work.

I'm not referring to SEN, but adults who see themselves as unable to manage everyday life.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoossafly this results in the threat of litigation.

Everyone needs support sometimes. The biggest problem is expectation vs reality. People are told that they are entitled to support but that doesn't match the support that is available. The combination of entitlement and dishonesty creates huge levels of dissatisfaction.

Against you or the company?

Because if it's the company, not really your problem if they aren't adequately resourced.

And attitudes like this are why people struggle nowadays.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but it doesn't like you think that the village shouldn't exist. Reciprocal is what benefits us all, such as you look after my child for an hour and I get both yours and my shopping because you cannot get to the shop, etc compared to I take my child that is a pain in the shop because they are noisy and grab everything and you take 15 times as long to get the shopping done as you struggle to walk and can only carry a little on each trip.

I think the problem is, as society has evolved over the years there is an effort for things to be fair and equitable. On the surface that is absolutely the correct thing. However, to do this often comes at a cost which is ever increasing. As science/resesrch discover more ideal ways to support people (be it in education, healthcare, workplace, prisons etc.) they want to achieve this (and people grow to expect this). But the reality is, where is the line drawn. There will always be more a government/society can do, but at some point a line needs to be drawn as the money pot is not bottomless. Obviously where that line goes is a highly emotive issue that is very difficult to make.

I think at some point in our lives we all need support sometimes.

But if it’s a constant need then that’s exhausting for the supporters themselves, who in turn end up burned out and needing support.

We all need to take a bit of responsibility for ourselves in my opinion rather than immediately asking for help.

(and I say this as a SEN parent)

There must be way fewer hours of informal support being provided now that two salaries are needed to raise a family.

Also I think we’ve lost sight of the idea of reciprocity. That making friends means putting time in, showing up, and that support comes from mutual give and take (not just take).

"Charities, voluntary services and informal community models have traditionally relied on (mostly female) volunteers who are under 75 and retired, or SAHPs. People now can't retire or stay out of paid work long term, so don't volunteer. (Or, they're ill with what should have been a minor issue but it couldnt be nipped in the bud due to reduced service capacity, and has left them unable to volunteer / help DS with childcare!". Yes distinct. I think this has created a huge problem.

The retirement age has increased so there isn't the pool of mature people who can volunteer. NHS waiting lists are so long they aren't being fixed and sent on their way after a few weeks. Off the top of my head the only people I can think of who retired early / work PT and volunteer are people who had a large inheritance and now have a bit of time and money to play with.

I can't imagine what it was like when women could retire at sixty in reasonable health. Secondary schools are too pressured and strict and work is too pressured these days. There is no slack in the system and we're all worse off.