AIBU to not understand how "school refusers" are a thing?

[Idontunderstandmodernlife]

There seems to be a lot of parents that have children that they simply can't get to go to school no matter what they do - these children are often called "school refusers". Parents say they have done absolutely everything to get their child into school but nothing works.

I hate to be that "in my day" person but I simply don't get where these "school refusers" have come from because they simply didn't exist a decade or 15 years ago. Kids just went to school. I never knew of a child that simply didn't turn up most of the time when I was in school? now there seems to be one in every class

What has changed that parents are now finding it impossible to get their child to school? Have schools got that much worse? are parents more lenient? are children more forceful? has children's mental health declined? what is it?

That's how it should be 🙂
But some on this thread seem to think they can magically just say "go to school" and their children will just get up and go 🙁

I still remember so clearly waking up with that awful sinking feeling of “here we go again” every morning and the cajoling, pleading, bribing, anger .. it was a decade ago but still so clear.
This is my life every morning the dread, he has health issues too so misses school due to hospital appointments and immunocompromised, DS woke at 4am to start complaining he had a tummy ache, head ache, couldn’t go to the toilet, felt sick etc etc.
He is the same height and heavier than me aged 10. I got him there eventually but feel like I have done 10 rounds with Tyson furey. I keep thinking that next year will be better.

I said 'from that week'. Not for a week.

And yes, I have experience, personal and professional. I used my personal experience and training to get to the bottom of what was going on with my child who couldn't verbalise what was happening.

They probably don't study science.
Simple as that.

Glad to hear. Did she get GCSEs and A-levels in the end? Or go down a more practical route?

Well done you 😂
Here, have a medal🥇
You win top parent on MN 🙄😂
If only life was as simple as the ignorant think it is.

Not rtft but you are certainly privileged not to understand it.

I think ots always been a thing at secondary schools but now the problem is affecting primary ages too. I knlw in the 90s id regularly walk out of high school - that's if I showed up in the first place. Didn't stop me from going on to do a degree and masters and getting a professional job though 🤷

Parents are often battling hard to get their children in, even when they don't actually feel it's best for their child's well being at that time.

My morning today consisted of getting a very anxious 7 year old out to school along with her brother and sister. Said 7 year old was clearly very worried, she was pushing herself to wear a tie and tie her hair back (sensory issues mean if she's anxious she can't). She was scared of school for a number of reasons emailed to school last night, She's scared of me talking to them as it embarrasses her. I got my eldest into school. 7 year old wouldn't get out the car as she was scared. We drove the next one to their school as if we don't get them in on time then it gets marked as unauthorised (even if 10 mins late) so no time to actually work through 7 year old's issues calmly. I then drove 7 year old back to school, went through her worries with the class LSA who she trusts. She was reassured enough to go in.

This is the kind of battle parent's or children with EBSA go through often. It isn't like this every day for us, but many days it is. This week she was too burnt out and she had a day and a half off for her well being. We sent her back too early, hence still struggling today, but at least she's in and now it's one week until half term.

Just to add I offered DD homeschooling and she also did not want that. She wanted to be in school. She hated being at home.

I always think it’s funny that adults pick jobs/lives that suit their needs/likes. But for children it’s one size that fits all.

A few. I didn't pass them though because of my poor attendance.

Sciences were actually my better subject and looking back, I think that's a reason why I couldn't bring myself to go to those ones. I felt ashamed because I knew I'd fail it due to not going to many lessons.

Did she know that home schooling doesn't actually mean being home a good chunk of the time? The important thing is that you did offer her a choice though, so I'm sure she felt heard and cared for.

Hope you've landed on your feet since

Since you amended your response, I'll reply again.

I didn't find home schooling hard. I home schooled my child from 7-18. She was never ready to go back and try again and it never seemed like it would be the best option for her.

As others have said, I think it's got worse since covid. Kids see school as kind of optional now. Didn't have to go during covid, so why should I have to go now?

I was someone who hated school, but believe me, it was not optional. I tried pulling a sickie just one time. When my mum came home from work, and found that I was out playing instead of being sick, she hit the roof. Never tried that one again

They did exist, you just didn't know them because they didn't go to school with you. I was shocked in my 30s to find out at a parents thing in my kids' primary that there were so many mums who'd not learned to read or had stopped school pre GCSEs. One was my age and I was like "I didn't think that was allowed to happen" and "what did you do with your day?" She just stayed at home and helped her mum. Wild.

My niece was a school refuser pre Covid. Her mum would try physically dragging her up the street with the niece screaming that she'd call childline and social services. Her mum would get fines she couldn't afford and when she explained to the daughter that she could end up in court or prison, the girl just said "good, I hate you, I'll go live with Gran". She ended up being taken to a unit for teens out of school on the other side of the city. Which she also ended up dropping out of. She's now in her 20s. No GCSEs, no job. So much energy from the schools, interventions, local authority involvement, family engagement officers, all sorts. Even when she was physically taken to the school by her mum (on foot, they don't drive), she would escape during the school day. Then the mum would get a call. And so on.

This daily physical and verbal battle with a teen child who is bigger and heavier than the adult in the house grinds you down.

There are all sorts of other reasons and examples and circumstances. Some related to neurodivergency, anxiety, bullying etc.

I don't work now due to caring for my disabled son but I did go to college (but not uni) and always worked after that until I was let go due to having too much time off work because of my son's needs.

I found college and work much more manageable than school.

Stats show it is increasing though. So yes, there have always been school refusers / children who can’t attend school but it’s a much bigger issue now. And the issues start earlier than they did before.

Good you could do that. I needed to work to keep us afloat financially and that added to the pressure. Eventually I had to work from home for a while. My DD always objected to “homework” because she didn’t see why she should do school stuff at home. In the end we somehow muddled through and she is at uni. Covid saved her. She was so anxious about doing GCSE exams. Then they were cancelled. Best thing ever for her.

Your child is either not suffering and will go in no problem. In which case you don’t have a clue.

Or they are suffering but your child feels comfortable enough and strong enough to still go which works out well for you and that’s why you think it’s so simple, but that might change.
Or they are suffering but you’re completely dismissive of them not wanting to go to school because you said you don’t negotiate. In which case you’re either cruel or in denial about your child’s struggles.

My DS went to school every single day until he didn’t. At first I thought he was being naughty, lazy, rebellious. I wasn’t prepared for such behaviour. My children have always known how important school is.
I did the whole get to school thing when he stopped going and lo and behold it didn’t work and only made him feel worse. I backed down very early on because I knew something was seriously wrong, even when everyone kept trying to tell me to just drag him in.

It’s the parents who are in denial and push it away who are the problem. Far bigger problem than a child who is too anxious to go to school.

I'm glad it worked for your youngest but you are being both naive and patronising.

I sat down with my son many times to talk and try to get to the bottom of why he couldn't go to school. We tried everything we could think of plus all the school suggestions and therapy. It didn't work for him.

It really isn't that simple.

I worked from home in skilled employment to keep my employment history up. I found most mothers who home schooled worked part time. I did have the benefit of a full time working husband, as did most, but not all.

Mine enjoyed what we did and knew the deal. The law says school or home school.

I used my therapy training and got to the bottom of it. It may take some kids longer to be able to recognise what is going on for them but, even if they can't communicate it until they are adults for years, if there are clear signs of distress and they can't go to school, that's enough for me. It was simple: My child was suffering, I didn't let it continue.

I wholeheartedly believe this is down to the school system. There's very little flex for adaptation, class size is too big.

If only it was that easy 😂

😂 how old do you think the OP is? The school leaving age was 14 in 1918!

im in my 60s and it was 16 when I left…