Page 24 | AIBU to not understand how "school refusers" are a thing?

Mycroissant · 05/02/2026 01:00

Just want to say i have RTFT and want to give a huge shout out and respect to all the parents and carers dealing with distressed school refusers.

It is beyond stressful. Beyond exhausting. A chaotic unpredictable nightmare with no end. All the people who've had to give up work. The terrible distress of seeing your chd shaking and crying like they're in a war.

And the skill oh god the skill. Parenting on a setting so much harder than some can even dream of. Parenting calmly, consistently, supportively, using sophisticated parenting techniques, when you haven't slept in days. For years. Your heart in your mouth as you wonder if you've phrased the thing in a PDA friendly enough way so that they'll agree to give it a try today, and you might finally get something done and feel relaxed as you know they're OK.

Keeping calm while your dysregulated child takes it out on you, with harsh words and blows, over and over again. Going to cry in the other room, then coming back and showing up for them. Every hour. Every day.

I see you and I admire you. 🏆

Friendlygingercat · 05/02/2026 01:00

I used to bunk off school from time to time after the register was taken. After that the kids all went off to their separate classes so the teacher there assumed the register had been marked. My mother had a job pm so I just went home. I was careful to only do it occasionally so I never got caught. Once I sat my GCE my friends and I more or less didnt bother going into school as we saw no point. We just went around the shops or to one anothers houses. If I had outright refused to go to school I would have got a good wallopping from my father.

Needspaceforlego · 05/02/2026 01:05

Shakeyourwammyfannyfunkysong · 04/02/2026 22:39

Do you really believe this? Do you really believe that schools are less nurturing places now than they used to be? Despite the fact that teachers no longer use physical punishment to correct children? Despite the fact that teachers so much as look at a kid the wrong way now and their parents are on them like a tonne of bricks? Despite the fact that most schools literally employ staff now as pastoral support? Despite the fact that a significant proportion of school kids now have a diagnosis of some sort that wouldn't even have been heard of a couple of generations ago and are supported with this diagnosis. You really think schools are harder now than they used to be? Most kids today wouldn't know what had hit them if they went to school in their parent's/grandparent's generation.

I think the question we need to ask is the one that OP is trying to ask really. Why are so many children unable or unwilling to cope with the basics of life despite schools being the most supportive and resourceful that they've ever been? At the rate it is increasing I really don't think it's simply a need for 'more support' I think we need to totally shift our attitude towards education and how we manage uncomfortable situations tbh

Show quote history

Maybe you should ask why are so many schools obsessed with blazers and uniform. Blazers must be worn at all times.

So you'll have kids who are too hot want to remove it.
And kids who are cold and need something warmer but must wear a stupid blazer.

For some kids that alone is probably torture.

TheOutlier · 05/02/2026 01:06

My “school refusal” phases were in the 70s. Looking back I was deeply unhappy, very depressed. I loathed school and I hadn’t made friends. What got me back was a bit of a break and then when I returned started to get to know people. The school didn’t seem to hound my parents but that was because I was officially off sick with physical causes.

BreakingBroken · 05/02/2026 01:34

@Needspaceforlego at the core of the blazer issue is the absolute lack of locker storage space, school size where there is not enough time between classes to get to your locker because schools are too big. The children are not being precious the physical environment is unsuitable for the numbers.
Schools closing need to be used to redistribute the student population give them space, time and a more pleasant environment.

Crushed23 · 05/02/2026 01:48

Needspaceforlego · 05/02/2026 00:31

Schools had masks until spring of 2022.

Covid interrupted 3 academic years, 19/20, 20/21 and 21/22.
There were lots of restrictions around right up to about April of 2022.

Show quote history

And? It was still YEARS ago.

How much longer are we going to attribute societal problems to ‘Covid’?

Half of Generation Alpha (b.2012-2025) were either literally not alive during, or have no memory of, that period, let alone materially impacted by it.

nocoolnamesleft · 05/02/2026 01:50

You're wrong. I had emotion based school refusal, as it would now be termed, at primary school in the 1970s. Undiagnosed ASD.

Barnbrack · 05/02/2026 02:09

SnuggleReal · 04/02/2026 21:50

I can assure you that at 15, my father would have manhandled me into school if he'd had to. He could have done it too. He was very strong.

Show quote history

See my previous comment, my dad, a large, formidable man, happy to hit to make us behave, physically could not get my 6 yr old sister into school in the 90s. A determined, terrified child in fight or flight cannot be MADE to comply nor could they in the 90s.

My 7 yr old is almost as tall as me due to... Well we don't know why actually he's under review with paeds and has several health conditions and I have physically carried him out of the house etc to get him to school. My back is absolutely gubbed because of it. Even then I can't MAKE him go into class. It's a case of me, an SEN teacher and several teaching assistants working together to make school somewhere he can ultimately attend and that's only because his school is so brilliant with him. I cannot praise them enough. Their whole culture is amaIng and has them in a position where every SEN child in their school manages to not just attend but attend meaningfully, take part in all aspects of school life. I thankt he stars for them every single day because believe me getting a child who is scared to attend in the door every single day is not trivial.

My youngest is almost 5, will start school in August, merrily skips into nursery every day, goes to drop off pre school classes in groups, if I only had her I took might smugly ask how you CANT make a child go to school. I'm glad I was pre humbled

Carycach4 · 05/02/2026 02:14

I went to a small village primary school in the 70s and there were no 'school refusers' - well there were, but parents just carried them in kicking and screaming if need be. I knew all the kids in the village so can say with certainty they weren't elsewhere or home ed.

Sagealicious · 05/02/2026 02:16

School refusal did exist more than 15 years ago. I know because I was at school over 30 years ago and often refused to go to school. Just because it wasn't talked about or didn't have a name to it doesn't mean it wasn't happening. Looking back, I wish I had been given the support that a lot of school refusers are now given although many could do with more support than they currently get.

Firefly1987 · 05/02/2026 02:21

Leftrightmiddle · 05/02/2026 00:59

It may have a new name but is not a walk in the park.
It is so unbelievably hard on the whole family. The child isn't choosing not to go they literally can't and this means they aren't happy not to go. They suffer worry, guilt and feelings of failure because they can't go.
They miss out on all the nice things..like seeing friends, school.trips,.leavers hoodies,.prom.etc.

Quite frankly if you managed to go your difficulty was minor compared to my those who cant

Show quote history

No I just didn't have a choice in the matter. I thought school was a legal requirement. I don't understand how they can just not go.

rainandshine38 · 05/02/2026 02:24

They existed. You were just ignorant of it. Now you are here online guilt tripping parents into thinking they are freaks for allowing it. Well done.👏

hazelnutvanillalatte · 05/02/2026 02:56

Idontunderstandmodernlife · 04/02/2026 19:22

There seems to be a lot of parents that have children that they simply can't get to go to school no matter what they do - these children are often called "school refusers". Parents say they have done absolutely everything to get their child into school but nothing works.

I hate to be that "in my day" person but I simply don't get where these "school refusers" have come from because they simply didn't exist a decade or 15 years ago. Kids just went to school. I never knew of a child that simply didn't turn up most of the time when I was in school? now there seems to be one in every class

What has changed that parents are now finding it impossible to get their child to school? Have schools got that much worse? are parents more lenient? are children more forceful? has children's mental health declined? what is it?

In my day I had a relative who was a school refused and her parents did exactly that with rhe guidance of teachers and professionals - forced her to go. She is now an adult with severe OCD, panic disorder and agoraphobia.

In my dad’s day there was no mental health support or depression or anxiety, but his best friend dropped out of Oxford, disappeared and was found dead in a bedsit. His father, who was abused as a child, also became an alcoholic who never spoke about his feelings and traumatised his children.

There have always been children who don’t go to school but instead of either simply being forced without any support or getting older and bunking off, there is more understanding and a new term.

PithyViewer · 05/02/2026 03:03

I agree, OP. When I was at school decades ago, I'm pretty sure that parents could be sent to jail if their kids didn't go to school! School refusers definitely weren't a thing in the seventies and eighties, although I'm sure we'd all have loved to be one! I also think that even if children find school difficult, it's much healthier for them to be among their peers than to stay at home.

Shakeyourwammyfannyfunkysong · 05/02/2026 03:10

Needspaceforlego · 05/02/2026 01:05

Maybe you should ask why are so many schools obsessed with blazers and uniform. Blazers must be worn at all times.

So you'll have kids who are too hot want to remove it.
And kids who are cold and need something warmer but must wear a stupid blazer.

For some kids that alone is probably torture.

Show quote history

And maybe you should ask if you lived in a country where you knew that not getting an education would mean living in unimaginable poverty for the rest of your life would you give a shit what you had to wear to receive that education? How about countries where women and girls have recently had to fight hard to receive an education? How about countries recovering from war who are now finally free and safe to go to school?

Such is the problem... We're now far too privledged and entitled to appreciate the true value of education.

HalleLouja · 05/02/2026 03:11

My daughter has EBSA. At the beginning I used to attempt to drag her in to school. Almost literally. But it didn’t work.

Before Covid she had 100 percent attendance for years. Covid taught children that they didn’t need to go to school.

We have since found out she is autistic with ADHD and Demand Avoidant. The best way to get her to school is to leave her to it in the mornings. This goes against all my instincts but its the only way. She also now goes to a much smaller school and her attendance has gone up (well she is going to school now) although its not amazing.

I also think all the extra rules about uniform etc caused her so much stress she couldn’t go in.

SnuggleReal · 05/02/2026 03:15

FullLondonEye · 04/02/2026 21:59

This is not realistic or safe. My father had stopped beating me by 15 because I was taller than him and it had been made clear to him by various people that he couldn't keep getting away with it. He was strong but if he'd tried to manhandle me to school or anywhere else by that point at least one or probably both of us would have ended up seriously hurt, doubtless in hospital. I would have thrown myself in front of a bus before I let him lay a finger on me by that point.

My husband is bigger and stronger than my father was but if he tried to manhandle our 11 year old daughter anywhere and she chose to fight back that would also result in serious injury. Fortunately we have chosen not to parent that way anyway but children of that age absolutely can do serious physical damage and it can't be in any way a good idea to put that to the test.

Show quote history

You don't know my father and how strong he is. He could most definitely have manhandled me to school, if he so chose.

SnuggleReal · 05/02/2026 03:20

Barnbrack · 05/02/2026 02:09

See my previous comment, my dad, a large, formidable man, happy to hit to make us behave, physically could not get my 6 yr old sister into school in the 90s. A determined, terrified child in fight or flight cannot be MADE to comply nor could they in the 90s.

My 7 yr old is almost as tall as me due to... Well we don't know why actually he's under review with paeds and has several health conditions and I have physically carried him out of the house etc to get him to school. My back is absolutely gubbed because of it. Even then I can't MAKE him go into class. It's a case of me, an SEN teacher and several teaching assistants working together to make school somewhere he can ultimately attend and that's only because his school is so brilliant with him. I cannot praise them enough. Their whole culture is amaIng and has them in a position where every SEN child in their school manages to not just attend but attend meaningfully, take part in all aspects of school life. I thankt he stars for them every single day because believe me getting a child who is scared to attend in the door every single day is not trivial.

My youngest is almost 5, will start school in August, merrily skips into nursery every day, goes to drop off pre school classes in groups, if I only had her I took might smugly ask how you CANT make a child go to school. I'm glad I was pre humbled

Show quote history

Of course you can make them comply, by making yourself much scarier than the thing they fear. My father could have got me into school. I'd say at 15 there would have been some follow up by the school if he had though. I did once get my parents to allow me two days off when my lip was swollen after a man handling. I think I was 16/young 17. They didn't want the school to see me like that. To the school I looked like a nicely presented, high achieving child from a good family. I do regret not telling them the truth of it at the time and asking for help.

PithyViewer · 05/02/2026 03:27

FlyingApple · 04/02/2026 19:39

I think I'd have been a school refuser if I thought it was within the realm of possibly. I think people like me had far nastier parents than today's parents and so you couldn't share your feelings at all, unless you wanted excessive backlash.

Was I happy? No, school really negatively affected me.

This. There is no way that I'd have dared refuse school - my dad was really terrifying. I am NOT saying that this is a good thing! But yeah, it seems that parenting has changed a lot in the past few decades. Much of it for the better. For us, it was behave, or else. It did make you behave, but it was bad for your self-confidence and anxiety.

Sodthesystem · 05/02/2026 03:53

No idea, but good on them.

I'm glad I don't have kids because how could I respect myself making them go to those blasted child prisons knowing how much much hated it?

Glad kids are waking up to these awful indoctrination machines.

Stressedoutmummyof3 · 05/02/2026 03:58

weareallcats · 04/02/2026 22:16

There have been a lot of posts on this thread already, but to add my experiences:

I certainly did everything in my power to get out of school. Faking illness, to try and get out of going in at all and/or getting sent home. Then later, at secondary school, I worked out that if I said I had a doctors appointment and then signed in at the office later in the afternoon, then no questions were asked - I did that a lot. Eventually I was suspended for truancy, it was when I was in sixth form too - ridiculous - but a relief to have a fortnight off unchecked. I was completely burnt out - undiagnosed audhd. This was the 80’s and 90’s.

My dd completely crashed out of school in year 7 (for the same reason, neither of us diagnosed at this point). I’d challenge any parent to force their child into school in that state - it was extremely distressing.

I think people who sneer tend to be deeply ‘neurotypical’ and are naturally served by the current system. No empathy for anyone who finds it difficult - pull your socks up, I think it should be remembered that school is a modern concept and that the education provided in schools is actually rather limited - that it is essentially a means of occupying kids while their parents are economically active, in turn designed to ensure their future economic contribution. It needs a huge overhaul.

My dc are home educated and it’s one of the best decisions we’ve made as parents - the difference in their wellbeing is astonishing. And yes, they still socialise.

It is distressing. As I said my DD went through some really tough times at school. However she has amazing resilience now and doesn't give up even when it seems too much. She is autistic (diagnosed just before she left primary school) so I do get it.
What I don't get are the parents asking their kids if they want to go to school, if they want them to set up a meeting with the school, if they want them to ask if work can be sent home. Instead of asking your child try telling them. if you don't go to school I will set up a meeting and we will arrange online schooling.
Education shouldn't be seen as an option.
If you go to developing countries the children there are desperate to learn, want to be at school and know it's the only way to get a job. Parents need to stop being friends with their children and start making decisions.
And I say that as someone with two autistic children.

PithyViewer · 05/02/2026 04:19

Fairtoggoodoccasionallypoor · 04/02/2026 20:03

I was a school refuser in the 80’s (I’m 52). The final straw was when I was going to jump out of the car on the way to school. I would have done it. I had to see a GP and a psychologist. I was diagnosed with ’School Phobia’ and ended up with a home tutor for 2 hours a day. I chose to learn to type and do shorthand. I later became a parent of a school refuser. There was no way I could force my 6ft son to go to school! But he, like me, COULDN’T attend.

Sounds tough. Was it basically because of disabling anxiety for you both? Anxiety isn't taken seriously enough, imo. It feels terrible and can be extremely limiting. Looking back, I had awful anxiety as a child, but it didn't really exist as a concept, and certainly not for children. My age group were all being brought up by people who had been children during the war, which explains a lot, I think.

PithyViewer · 05/02/2026 04:22

Now that I'm thinking about it, I feel very sorry for school refusers. They're missing out on a lot: valuable learning and friend connections.

It's a pity schools can't provide calmer, smaller classes for everyone. Today's school sounds very intense.

Kimura · 05/02/2026 04:34

PistachioTiramisu · 04/02/2026 19:35

I just would not allow it - kids have to learn that they are not the be all and end all - they bloody well do as they are told - and that includes going to school unless they are unwell. Some parents let them get away with so much - it is not right.

But we're talking about kids who won't do as they're told.

Whether you allow it or not is irrelevant.

Differentforgirls · 05/02/2026 05:08

Eastenders101 · 04/02/2026 20:30

I get what your saying OP. I think we had more truancy years ago which was kids bunking off school to go play with xxx in the park but we have seen an increase in neurodiversity understanding and diagnosis, that I think has a connection to emotional based school avoidance (ebsa) cases. However I am aware of one case where quite simply yes the parents didn't put any consequences (note not punishments) so e.g. okay your refusing to go to school so we are going to do x,y,z learning today together. And this young person I believe learnt quickly that she doesn't have to go to school and can stay at home and watch telly all day whilst parents go to work. So sometimes it could be parents just not parenting. In this scenario the mum felt her work was more important than some effort into getting her child into school and it was too hard to make her get up in the mornings and she had to be at work on time etc.

What about the dad?