Just smacked my child - unreasonable to ask for help?!

[13MAPARTHELL]

My 5 YO has ASD, PDA.
he has no delays in speech or communication.
there are some weeks, where his behaviour is absolutely unbearable. Hitting him is absolutely not acceptable and I am very ashamed. When I say unbearable, he calls me names, talks back and will tell us to ‘fucking shut up’ every time we speak, repeatedly target his little brother and be violent toward him. He will refuse everything, all while hysterically laughing in my face, he will wake at 3am, eyes open and first words ‘i want to kill my brother’ or ‘i hate you im going to punch you’ and then at night, he will get out his bed repeatedly just to laugh at us and call us names.
if you ask him to stop doing something, or you become upset he will push harder. If you take something off him, he will become violent and smash everything up.
the weeks he is like this, i feel like its not my child its someone else and sadly I feel like i absolutely despise him and being around him. Its a massive part of him however, and sometimes its just one week with a few weeks break and others its 2 months.
unable to find triggers for why it works like this.
its patience testing to an absolutely insane level, every bad behaviour that is a parents nightmare, amplified.
if i leave him to ‘calm down’ I have to take my other child, then they dont want to go back in there, then they have a meltdown and im trying to not have anybody sleep with me because they get excited about it and dont sleep, and less sleep means im more angry!

fucking HATE my life

every time i ask for help i get shut down

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any answers I'm afraid, just wanted to sympathise until hopefully someone with experience of such challenging behaviour comes along.

I teach a little boy like this.
it must be so hard.
His mum is desperate for help too - has literally begged social services.
The only thing that ‘works’ is lowering demand, giving lots of choices etc but I am sure you know that, and it is incredibly hard on the others around him.
I am exhausted every day from being in class with him so can only imagine how it must feel being his Mum.

who have you asked for help? How is he in school?

I'm so sorry you are having a tough time. Parenting children with disabilities and different needs is incredibly challenging. Some children are more challenging than others so comparison to another child with ASD or PSA won't help.

Can you approach your doctor to see if you can be referred for help? Contact social services to see if any support can be obtained for you or him?

Best wishes.

Do you follow any pda people on social media? There is lots of stuff out there now. Lower demand 100% and ask for more help.
keep bugging.

I really feel for you. Of course hitting your child is not acceptable but this situation sounds incredibly challenging. I’d suggest a visit to the GP.

Thank you, i had parents evening last night & they said fhey have some issues but hes so lovely so no concerns, i explained these behaviours that occur some weeks and they were shocked, today at pick up his brother had a breadstick and he literally punched him so hard square in his face & then kicked the shit out of the school shed & low and behold nobody saw it!

Social services, disability nurse, cahms, early help.

he has such severe anger issues / we had issues at school at the start, now hes better there and close to his teacher and understanding the expectations BUT i reported that we often see friends from school in other settings by accident, and things get violent.

went to soft play, saw a girl from school within an hour i saw him cornering her and hitting and pushing her.

i refuse to take him to soft play birthday parties - its a small class and im doing it for his own good but its hurtful of course - he’s usually unaware of the invite

When you say “he will wake at 3am, eyes open and first words ‘i want to kill my brother’” is this something you’ve actually witnessed? Do you think he understands the meaning of his words?

Yes i will contact them tonight! They actually have an email/chat where you can raise certain things with them. I really fucked up having 2 kids a year apart, no matter what we try its just so so difficult to keep each safe logistically

Yes so i can usually tell from this, as soon as he wakes saying something violent like this - i know its started, after saying something violent that morning will be horrific - he basically wakes red in the face, visibly extremely angry

He understands the meaning of this word

however, he also says things like he will chop our heads off, or our arms etc. 😬

It sound so tricky. You using violence won't help stop his violence, but you already know that and don't need a verbal kicking for it.

Is he under a pediatrician? It might be worth asking for a melatonin prescription. He might be easier if he's better rested, and even if he's not, it will feel more manageable if your getting some time in the evening and a decent night's sleep.

Dose he have sensory needs? I've given up so much house space to sensory equipment (literally half my livingroom is gymnastics kit), but having that outlet dose help my kids stay calmer.

How's he doing at school? If he's in an environment that not right, you might be getting the blow up after him trying to hold it together through the day.

It sounds incredibly hard OP. Do you have any evidence of his behaviour on video? If the school doesn’t see this side of him, it might help you build the case

Sounds absolutely horrible and I really feel for you and both your sons. I think when a child is this extreme it's clear there are additional needs going on. It's sometimes helpful to reframe it as a biological problem rather than a behavioural issue. I believe no child wants to live like this and your son doesn't have the full ability to control his actions (although that's not to say he has no agency at all). Tbh I'm shocked he's fine at school. What is their approach? It's possible that his good behaviour (masking) at school is causing more problems at home (safe space) as he's working so hard to keep it together. I think you need to get your school senco on board and refer you to whoever takes on their SEN referrals. You need a diagnosis and then probably medication, which, in my experience, really helps families like yours. He's young atm (and some will say too young for diagnosis due to immaturity), but the wait lists are so long it's best to get the ball rolling now. Sending you strength.

Thank you

and this os the ultimate challenge, the reframing of the attitude, my god its so incredibly hard! Because he has autism that is not visible in the same typical way some would expect like, stimming or visible sensory issues, and he has no development issues - its feels harder to reframe? Its the biggest challenge of my life (my own attitude!)

its a small catholic school, and they see the best in everyone type thing, BUT yeah ive seen him be like in the playground, parents have reported issues to me too, i sent his 50 page diagnosis some time ago & never get a reply from them. Hes doing better lately, because hes so connected to his teacher, but i kid you not the MINUTE hes out that gate hes an absolute shit!

My DS has gone through similar phases.
We do not follow a low demand approach because this made him worse - the more demands we removed, new "demands" came online as hard. That's how anxiety works.

What we've done is equivalent to NVR but we didn't find the traditional NVR training helpful (I think this is just us because we had reached a state of being quite reactive ourselves - like you have). We like the ADHD Dude webinars.

For the reactive behaviour after removing things - you have to just ignore, ignore, ignore. Shut the door if necessary. Ignore the mess he makes. He's learned that if he is aggressive, he gets what he wants. It's not manipulative any more than feeling queasy at the sight of a boat is manipulative - he's just associated the two.

Set up positive rewards for him. We've just started using Joon app but that might be too old for him. The ADHD Dude recommendations are again good.

There may be triggers for some things, DS hates restrictive head gear and clothing and indeed any adult being physically restrictive. But there may not and anyway, avoiding triggers like avoiding anxiety triggers just makes the reaction move on to something else and makes his world smaller.

He doesn't really understand the meaning of the word . He's obviously struggling to express himself but these are only words which he must have heard someone else use and he's repeating as he knows they're extreme.The swear words are the same, he shouldn't even know these words but he's trying to express himself.

No your right 100%

he dosnt fully understand what that word means or the gravity of the words used .

he says things for impact you are correct, alot of the time he gets the swear words wrong etc. we dont swear in front of him on purpose but there are times when we slip up of course, usually due to something that’s happened due to the kids 😂

That sounds so unbearably hard, OP, I can't even imagine!
Sorry if this isn't relevant/helpful enough, but Dr. Chelsey parenting on Instagram specialises in neurodiverse/oppositional behaviour.

https://www.instagram.com/drchelsey_parenting?igsh=MTk2aXhsNTBjaHo3Zw==

This sounds awful, especially with trying to keep another child safe. You already know smacking is wrong, but try to be kind to yourself. You're in a really difficult situation.

Contact the PDA society.
They run an extremely helpful course that looks at how to support children in the home and at school. When you have completed it you can then access their helpline to discuss individual issues around your child.

It is an extremely difficult condition to parent and behaviour like this is extremely testing.

Speak to your paediatrician with regard to his sleep.

strange

This is really really disturbing op I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
phone social service first thing and get them onboard
you need to also prioritise the safety of your other child but also any other family members here. If this child hurts your other child seriously it could escalate very quickly but hopefully you can get a safety plan in place.