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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go away alone for 40th Birthday?

81 replies

Janblues28 · 04/02/2026 12:52

It's my 40th soon and I have travelled alone plenty of times before usually tagging along holidays on to work trips. My 5yo son has ASD with PDA profile and my DH says he can't cope with him so I had originally planned a 4 day break with all of us but in reality I know it will likely be a disaster and any hope or expectation I had will be met with disappointment. I think i was kidding myself. I could do a mini break and I've thought about going alone - would that be really tragic? I just never get any respite, work full time and when I'm not working I'm caring for DS. There is no break.
I'm also feeling resentful as DH took 3 separate far flung holidays last year for his 40th and was able to do so because I CAN care for our son. Should I do the 4 day break with all of them or go solo - accept it might not be the adventure I was after but at least I get some time to myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janblues28 · 04/02/2026 18:40

It's not easy dealing with DS. He's fine at school as he masks so well but he's very aggressive and violent towards me on a daily basis. Not all the time, but mid meltdown, other than that he's very loving. But its draining and I'm desperate for a break or something to look forward to.

OP posts:
123123again · 04/02/2026 18:42

It’s a bigger deal as you want it to be!

I would 100% go. In fact I do.Saves at least a day of new place/familar people. Hit the ground running, doing it your way.

sunshine244 · 04/02/2026 18:52

Janblues28 · 04/02/2026 18:36

@sunshine244 yes hit the nail on the head that's exactly it. DS has a strong preference for me and is alot more regulated when I'm around. I suspect DH has ASD also - he and DS are exactly alike and just clash - im constantly trying to resolve whatever conflict is happening between them. I travel abroad every other week for 1 night and DH manages but it's not ideal - usually DS barely eats, alot of meltdowns, cries alot as he misses me. So whilst I acknowledge how unfair it is and how I desperately need a break I think I'd feel guilty about going. My mum is pretty good with DS but lives in another country and realistically can't look after him until school holidays.

I do have friends who I could go away with and did so last year but as DS behaviour has ramped up and I've started a business working full time I've had zero time to plan anything as I'm swamped with work and dealing with DS. I also feel like I would like some time to be entirely selfish, do as I please, and whilst I love my friends company I would love for a change to only think about myself for a few days.

Whoever suggested Maldives that is absolutely on my list. I'm tempted.

Totally understand! My now ex is likely AuDHD too which made things much worse.

I would suggest going now though as PDA often gets a lot worse as the social and academic demands at school increase. We had school refusal starting age 7 then puberty kicking in now is.. interesting...!

sunshine244 · 04/02/2026 18:58

I know it's not what you asked but have you screened for adhd too? My eldest sounds very similar. High masking at school, meltdowns and lashing out at home. A lot of his ADHD symptoms are internal - more of a typical girls profile. The autistic rule following part makes him very well behaved at school so he would never run around the classroom etx. But when he had his assessment the OT observed just how much he was fidgeting and losing concentration etc at school. Not obvious to teachers as he's well behaved. ADHD meds have been a game changer (until hormones have hit now and 12 and back to big meltdowns again).

ACynicalDad · 04/02/2026 19:12

Your husband should not have another night away until you've had a break, what's good for the goose...

Berlinlover · 04/02/2026 20:54

I spent four days in Berlin alone for my 40th nearly ten years ago, I had a great time.

ByUniqueViper · 05/02/2026 06:26

If you husband cant cope with your son who will look after him whilst your away?
You should be entitled to the same opportunities as your husband.

hmmnotreallysure · 05/02/2026 06:32

Op that's really unfair. You and dh should have equal time for holidays. If he can go away then you should be able to go away. He needs to step up and improve his relationship with ds to enable to you to have your downtime. If he won't then he doesn't get to have that downtime away from family if it means you can't equally. You're a partnership, it needs to be fair.

TheIceBear · 05/02/2026 06:45

This isn’t fair at all. He needs to learn to cope and you need to be able to have a break.

JG24 · 05/02/2026 06:50

Go and maybe also do a mini trip for just 2 weekend days and a Saturday night so your SH can 'practice' looking after your child. If it's a disaster well then he needs more practice!

99bottlesofkombucha · 05/02/2026 07:12

Does your dh acknowledge that the burden falls on you and he gets breaks you don’t? Or does he just think he deserves them more and it’s your job to suck it up and soldier on, but he’s special and can’t do that? If the latter just go. A solo break sounds marvellous. I had a solo night alone last year and it was wonderful.

Proccy · 05/02/2026 07:15

You're entitled to some life too, how come your dh can't care for him? Sounds more like he doesn't want to because you already pick up all that work.
Do it, book it and definitely go, it's your 40th fgs and alone would be my choice

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 05/02/2026 07:18

You've been away without your DS before.

Go somewhere great for your 40th for 4 days minimum.

Your DH doesnt sound great tbh. consideringhis generally unwillingness to be a father / do his fair share i think those holidays are an absolute pisstake.

ByRealLemonFox · 05/02/2026 07:19

I am mum to an 8 year old ASD, ADHD and PDA and I totally understand. My husband has our son once or twice a year on his own for a weekend while I catch up with friends so 100% go on your own. If your husband can't cope with your son he has to learn. This is the perfect opportunity. Go enjoy your birthday and enjoy some down time.

BCBird · 05/02/2026 07:43

You must go. I would also suggest that perhaps you make this a regular thing if possible if your husband can go, then you should go.

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 05/02/2026 07:58

Husband is 100% being unreasonable and needs to suck it up for you. He’s had 3 breaks last year yet you don’t get one. Phrase it in this way to him too.

Bonkers1966 · 05/02/2026 08:07

Go solo for the sake of your sanity

Perfectpillowsdontexist · 05/02/2026 08:11

I think you know the answer deep down. Go.
I am an older you several years on and I know how hard it is. Your son needs time away from you and you from him. PDA is draining and unless you have lived it and been the focal parent no-one else will understand. My DH is great with our kids but it's me who is the focal parent. Our son's pathological attempts to disrupt everything mean that he focuses on me, as he sees me as the main carer, despite us sharing the tasks equally. It will be hard to go because his need for you to be there is so great and as his mum you know how to support him. But that's why you need to go. Go now and go regularly.
In 10, even 20, years time you wont regret it.
Please go.

KatsPJs · 05/02/2026 08:29

Your husband is absolutely taking the piss OP. If he gets three solo holidays a year then so do you. Your son did not just magically develop a better relationship with you - it takes time and effort, which is what your husband needs to put in to improve his relationship with his own child. Make your 40th the year you stand up to this nonsense.

Ooooookay · 05/02/2026 08:54

You should definitely go alone, I hope you have an amazing time.
For the sake of your child your husband needs to learn how to look after him, your child needs another adult in case you get poorly and can’t look after him.

Doone22 · 05/02/2026 10:19

Why does it have to be on the exact date? If your mum can help then wait. This is not about your husband being lazy it's about what your son can cope with right now

mindutopia · 05/02/2026 10:42

Absolutely bloody go away on your own! I go abroad every year on my own and leave dh with the dc. If you can cope parenting solo while he travels, he can cope parenting solo while you do. You don’t possess some magic wand that makes it easier, you just get on with it. As should he.

You can’t predict what the future holds. I have advanced cancer. It’s likely my Dh will one day be parenting solo all the time. Your Dh needs to learn how to parent and get on with it while it’s only a few days.

90sTrifle · 05/02/2026 10:52

Janblues28 · 04/02/2026 18:40

It's not easy dealing with DS. He's fine at school as he masks so well but he's very aggressive and violent towards me on a daily basis. Not all the time, but mid meltdown, other than that he's very loving. But its draining and I'm desperate for a break or something to look forward to.

Do both.

Go away for your 40th with your family and then give yourself a 40th birthday present of a solo break too. Knowing you have a solo break booked whilst away with your family will do wonders to your mood whilst away with them.

I'm really hoping you can afford two trips.

Abd80 · 05/02/2026 11:32

Go yourself and enjoy every second of peace !

mummybear35 · 05/02/2026 19:44

He can cope…he just doesn’t want to do it! I’d be going on that break and making it a regular thing even if it’s a weekend away. He’s the father so saying he can’t cope would not be an excuse for me…if he can’t cope with his own child then I wouldn’t be coping with him as a husband! Don’t make life so easy for him that he takes you for granted..