To go away alone for 40th Birthday?

[Janblues28]

It's my 40th soon and I have travelled alone plenty of times before usually tagging along holidays on to work trips. My 5yo son has ASD with PDA profile and my DH says he can't cope with him so I had originally planned a 4 day break with all of us but in reality I know it will likely be a disaster and any hope or expectation I had will be met with disappointment. I think i was kidding myself. I could do a mini break and I've thought about going alone - would that be really tragic? I just never get any respite, work full time and when I'm not working I'm caring for DS. There is no break.
I'm also feeling resentful as DH took 3 separate far flung holidays last year for his 40th and was able to do so because I CAN care for our son. Should I do the 4 day break with all of them or go solo - accept it might not be the adventure I was after but at least I get some time to myself.

You know what? He chose to go away repeatedly, using your labour, to make himself happy, while knowing he wouldn't be willing and 'able' to reciprocate. If your son is so challenging that he can't parent alone, he shouldn't have gone off and left you.

But he did. So he needs to get able really quickly.

I feel there are two separate questions.

I do think it a bit sad that you haven't got anyone to go away with. No friends, or relations that would come with you on a relaxing break. I'm happy in my own company and to spend a couple of days by myself, but I'd choose to have company for a longer break for a big birthday.

However, obviously, your dh should be able to cope with looking after your child for a week or so. That's even before I read the bit where you said he went away 3 times for his 40th last year. You should at least have the equivalent time away, however you spend it.

Go solo. Treat yourself. Sounds like you deserve it, tbh 🙂

@JustGiveMeReason She didn’t say she had no-one to go away with, she said she’d like to go alone, and have some time by herself.

Theres nothing sad about travelling alone. I’ve done it for months on end, it’s very freeing.

Actually, @Alltheyellowbirds , she said

I could do a mini break and I've thought about going alone - would that be really tragic?

and

Should I do the 4 day break with all of them or go solo - accept it might not be the adventure I was after but at least I get some time to myself.

"accept it might not be the adventure I was after"

Go! Could you do a trip with friends? Sisters? I went on a good few 40th trips with girlfriends! One was a weekend away in a European city with a few friends, it was fabulous - lots of food, drink, site seeing, chatting. Did a weekend in a big country house for another friend, big meal, hot tub, much fun. Had a London trip with a show, boozy brunch and getting all dolled up. Many of the friends involved have kids.

You can do whatever! You could do both!

I think we’re reading it differently because we have different feelings about travelling alone.

Thats ok.

Tell him he is going to have to cope.

I'd be booking several weekend breaks away and sounds like you deserve it. You have bigger problems than deciding on whether to take a break away - your DH sounds like a selfish git. Feel sorry for your poor child.

He can’t cope with your son or he doesn’t want to? He had his holidays now it’s your turn!

I have at least one solo trip each year and I will be doing two this year; you should totally go!

For a few years I did the Maldives alone: I cannot tell you heavenly it was!!!

Why on earth did he have 3 holidays for his 40th!

Take your big adventure. write him a list and some instructions, do the shopping and then sail off into the sunset.
If he's managed to keep himself alive this long he's capable of looking after his child.

Do it.
Don't allow him to say he can't cope.

How will DS get on without you?
That would be my main concern.

I’m leaving DS & DH for 4 nights.
DH won’t look after him as well as I do.

But, he can do it, of course…
As long as DS is okay, I’d go away.

Absolutely do have a trip away. Exodus do some great adventure holidays including short breaks if you fancied some company.

However I have two autistic kids, one of whom has a PDA profile. Lots of PDA kids Will have a very strong preference for one parent. It isn't necessarily about the other parent not trying or being as good. Be prepared for potential utter chaos afterwards. The first time I went for a weekend away my child basically didn't sleep for two weeks and just had endless tantrums.

Go solo (for a fortnight). At the end of which time DH should have learned the skills required to start parenting. He can cope just like you can!

I like my own company so enjoy travelling alone. There's nothing tragic about it. Time slows down and the stresses fall away. You will return refreshed.

Please...do not write him a list and some instructions, do the shopping

He is a grown adult not a baby

DH took 3 separate far flung holidays last year for his 40th
Sorry, what?
He's a cheeky fuck (and that's me being generous). GO, and for longer than four days!

“I can’t cope with him”

Translation: looking after the child means a lot more mundane work and drudgery for me and he’s 5 so his behaviour tests my patience quite often which makes me uncomfortable, plus there is the added pressure of always having to make sure the small child has everything it needs and is safe and happy. This means I have less time to relax and focus on my own needs.

I have a child who is ND. I go travelling solo. I have never written a list, batch cooked, done the shopping or engaged female relatives. DH is an adult, with a big boy job. He can shop.

How is the world run by men but they seemingly can't do basic tasks? Mine can thank goodness.

Your DH is a cheeky fucker! He can cope, he will have to cope, he's the child's parent too!! Book it and tell him you're going, end of discussion. And have a fabulous time! 💐

Go solo lady!!!!! Have fun!!!

@sunshine244 yes hit the nail on the head that's exactly it. DS has a strong preference for me and is alot more regulated when I'm around. I suspect DH has ASD also - he and DS are exactly alike and just clash - im constantly trying to resolve whatever conflict is happening between them. I travel abroad every other week for 1 night and DH manages but it's not ideal - usually DS barely eats, alot of meltdowns, cries alot as he misses me. So whilst I acknowledge how unfair it is and how I desperately need a break I think I'd feel guilty about going. My mum is pretty good with DS but lives in another country and realistically can't look after him until school holidays.

I do have friends who I could go away with and did so last year but as DS behaviour has ramped up and I've started a business working full time I've had zero time to plan anything as I'm swamped with work and dealing with DS. I also feel like I would like some time to be entirely selfish, do as I please, and whilst I love my friends company I would love for a change to only think about myself for a few days.

Whoever suggested Maldives that is absolutely on my list. I'm tempted.

DH had a holiday tagged onto work trip last year in Asia, then a lads trip with a newly divorced friend, then a group 40th with friends in USA. So big trips.

I had a 4 day break with the girls which was lovely and a week with my mum in UK. Will probably still do the week with my mum in the summer just wanted to be away for my birthday. But its not a big deal.