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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a bad person?

55 replies

Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 10:21

I feel like I’m going crazy. My life has slowly turned upside down.

I genuinely thought I was doing what was right for my family.

4 children / unmarried / approaching together 17 years / engaged but have been for around 14 years - life was so busy before. We relocated numerous times for work.

i would love to cut down my work hours to spend more time with my 4 young children. We are spending so much on convience, have poor sleep and diet because there just isn’t enough time. PIL live local and they help with childcare.

Partner got a massive (to us) unexpected inheritance which would’ve harnessed an income of interest (at current rate) more than my salary but instead bought a house for his parents (we still have a mortgage) where they live rent free despite having very good pensions (I used to really get on with them). The whole situation has driven a wedge between me and them. They are really nice people but now I know what my partner prioritises I have given up on our relationship and it is crumbling.

the inheritance is his money, I get it. It just doesn’t sit well with me. I’m beginning to worry about my future if I stay in this situation.

I am not a very successful in terms of my salary. I can just afford to get by if I were to separate.

There is a lot of friction at the moment because I have cut him off the way I can - no effort or time from me. That’s all I have to give and I’m done giving it away.

one of his parents are ill and he thinks I’m unreasonable for not taking days off or switching around my rota to care for them - drive them to appointments as they don’t drive anymore. It is also an issue of childcare - if they are together at appointments and waiting on buses or taxis the other can’t be taking care of the children. I told him to take time off work. He won’t. I already do the majority of childcare And I can’t afford to lose my job or the income.

OP posts:
IamSmarticus · 03/02/2026 10:26

Ignoring the house part, I can'r believe that he thinks you should take days off to look after his parents but he won't!

I wouldn't lose your job or income, I would lose him.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 03/02/2026 10:26

He's pissed at you for not doing for his parents what he's not prepared to do himself? He can sod off with that attitude.

DriveMeCrazy1974 · 03/02/2026 10:27

You're not being unreasonable at all. Forget about the buying his parent's house for them, the fact he thinks you should be taking time off to take them to appointments is so unfair.
Is there any chance that he thinks that if he buys their house, it'll be left to you in the event of their deaths at all? That's the only way I can see his logic.

plentyofsunshine · 03/02/2026 10:32

Yes not a chance I'd be looking after his parents after he gave them all that money.

Stompythedinosaur · 03/02/2026 10:33

So, on the face of it you sounds unreasonable. But I wonder if there's more to the dynamic?

I can understand not wanting to work as a mother of young dc, but it's a reality of life for most parents. I'm not certain that desire comes above your in laws need for secure housing when they are sick, especially as you already have a house you've bought (admittedly with a mortgage, but your in laws are unlikely to be able to get a mortgage).

So, on the one hand, it's unfair to act like your in laws stole something from you - they didn't. And they help with childcare, which they don't have to.

But, the other side is that your dh is making financial decisions without considering your view, and I wouldn't like that. And expecting you to do the care of his dp, which is also crazy. I'm also struck by the fact your unmarried in quite a financially vulnerable position. So, I wonder if the issue is really about the money, or more about your dh not treating you well?

Enrichetta · 03/02/2026 10:45

Where to start… You are a low earner, and yet you chose to fave FOUR children without being married.

Time to put yourself first.

Can you be financially self sufficient - if you work full time and he pays maintenance?

If not, what can you do to get yourself to a place where you are not dependent on him? Seeing that he clearly doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

Whatever you do, stop digging yourself into this hole where you have no agency over your own life.

Starlight1979 · 03/02/2026 11:01

plentyofsunshine · 03/02/2026 10:32

Yes not a chance I'd be looking after his parents after he gave them all that money.

That's a bit mean and I can't see how the two things are really linked. He gifted them a house and now one of them is ill. Not their fault is it. The OP says herself that they are nice people and help with childcare.

Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 11:26

@Stompythedinosaur I absolutely do not want to give up work, I enjoy it but for everyone’s sakes I would like to reduce my hours. My children are also needing a bit more stability. We are both so tired all the time and are struggling. His parents are lovely people but my children do spend a lot of their time in front of the tv and tablet there. It’s like party time with no real routine or structure. The children are also desperate to start after school activities that their friends do.

we do own our own home. Bought preinheritance (it really was unexpected) and before I unexpectedly fell pregnant. We are bursting at the seams here. It was to get on the ladder. His parents went to view one house, said they wanted it and within two months it was done and dusted. In a house where we are on top of each other, sharing rooms which i know doesn’t harm anyone but they have spare bedrooms and a living room each where they are.

with my children at times I was absolutely crumbling and was always told in other words to just get on with it, he needed to keep earning. I wasn’t given any support but his parents were. At times his parents did really help out and he has told me in arguments that they are the reliable ones so they get looked after.

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 03/02/2026 11:32

As one of his parents is ill, is the house purchase considered a short term investment to give them comfort in their final years? Presumably your partner still owns it so hasn’t given away the money.

I assume it still benefits your family as you say your children receive childcare from his parents, so they will have more space at the new home.

BurnTheWholeThingDown · 03/02/2026 11:35

Was it inheritance from his grandparent and he’s been strong armed and guilted into giving it to the ‘skipped’ generation?

You are v v vulnerable here not being married.

dairydebris · 03/02/2026 11:38

Get married.
In your position I'd be concerned he was under pressure to keep the money in his family ie away from you.
Spending so little of a large amount of money on his immediate family ie you and kids would not sit well with me either.

BlueJuniper94 · 03/02/2026 11:38

You're not a bad person and don't let any fool make you feel bad for wanting to spend more time giving your kids a stable and healthier start in life.

Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 11:40

@BurnTheWholeThingDown

not a grandparent.

i know this, i never thought this would be a situation I’d be in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 11:44

@dairydebris

he told me recently he wouldn’t marry me until I was ‘good’ which I take to mean running myself into the ground cleaning, cooking and organising everything.

it’s not going to happen because I can’t physically or mentally keep going at the degree I used to. It has caught up with me and I’m exhausted.

OP posts:
ThePerfectWeekender · 03/02/2026 11:45

Forget the other house, you have no rights to any of it. You need to protect yourself. If he left tomorrow (or you) you'd have no access to his savings, pension, etc. only what's yours on paper as you aren't married. You'd also be mad to reduce earnings with four young DC.

dairydebris · 03/02/2026 11:45

Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 11:44

@dairydebris

he told me recently he wouldn’t marry me until I was ‘good’ which I take to mean running myself into the ground cleaning, cooking and organising everything.

it’s not going to happen because I can’t physically or mentally keep going at the degree I used to. It has caught up with me and I’m exhausted.

Jesus. That's awful.
I'm really sorry.

Takersgonnatake · 03/02/2026 11:50

Whether it’s reasonable or not, I too would feel shortchanged and disregarded in this set up. Instead of “withdrawing” from the relationship have you tried sitting down with him and asking him why other people’s living space appeared more important to him than his immediate family’s and telling him how these decisions make you feel? How you see the kid’s health and life chances being impacted by the hours you are all forced to work? There may be a way through this if he recognises your POV. If he won’t then he is BVU and you need to cut loose and put yourself and the kids first as he won’t.

Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 12:15

@Takersgonnatake

I have tried this. He tells me it’s a mess of my own making. For instance you chose to keep working so my parents had to help out and they do a lot so they are reliable (and it’s said in a way that I’m not) and I can count on them so they deserve it.

it sounds so childlike typing that out but that is the reply I am dealing with.

OP posts:
MapleOakPine · 03/02/2026 12:18

He won't marry you yet expects you to take time off work to look after his parents?? Honestly this would annoy me more than the inheritance thing! Don't cut your working hours OP.

MapleOakPine · 03/02/2026 12:19

Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 12:15

@Takersgonnatake

I have tried this. He tells me it’s a mess of my own making. For instance you chose to keep working so my parents had to help out and they do a lot so they are reliable (and it’s said in a way that I’m not) and I can count on them so they deserve it.

it sounds so childlike typing that out but that is the reply I am dealing with.

Er how about the fact that he also chose to keep working??

RichardOnslowRoper · 03/02/2026 12:22

Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 11:44

@dairydebris

he told me recently he wouldn’t marry me until I was ‘good’ which I take to mean running myself into the ground cleaning, cooking and organising everything.

it’s not going to happen because I can’t physically or mentally keep going at the degree I used to. It has caught up with me and I’m exhausted.

You are in a very vulnerable position not being married. He can walk away and leave you with nothing. Another similar thread running...

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 03/02/2026 12:22

Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 11:44

@dairydebris

he told me recently he wouldn’t marry me until I was ‘good’ which I take to mean running myself into the ground cleaning, cooking and organising everything.

it’s not going to happen because I can’t physically or mentally keep going at the degree I used to. It has caught up with me and I’m exhausted.

Jfc.

-The house and the money!!!!
-The fucking over you and your kids for his parents (who presumably were already housed JUST FINE)
-The expecting you to skivvy for his parents when he himself cant be arsed
-The you need to be "good" for me to marry you....

Fuck sake

You can pretty much never regret your childrem but honestly you must be walking a hard road given you've attached yourself to this absolute clown.
Your earnings are so severely impacted and he really does hold all the cards.

I recommend reviewing finances and starting to save something as you may well need it.
Id also be a bit careful abput pushing him too much the unpallatable truth is it spunds like you'd be screwed if he decides its over.
E.g. Could you house and feed yourself and your 4 children on your own?

You made a bad choice by building a life with this man without pushing for marriage earlier / before kids... but No you arent a bad person.

Whyarepeople · 03/02/2026 12:23

Bad as it is, I don't think the inheritance is the real problem - it's just a symptom. He sounds like a horrible bully who doesn't even like you, never mind love you.

Why are you with him?

Hoppinggreen · 03/02/2026 12:23

Edited beause I missed you not being married
Sorry OP, your situation is not good at all, try and find a way to leave

Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 12:29

@Whyarepeople

That’s what I’ve been thinking. I think I was just an easy catch and he just needs someone, anyone there.

I think he just sees me as a clown and that’s how I’ve felt for so long.

i can’t talk to anyone in real life about this, he is ‘such a nice guy’

OP posts: