Am I a bad person?

[Razmataz911]

I feel like I’m going crazy. My life has slowly turned upside down.

I genuinely thought I was doing what was right for my family.

4 children / unmarried / approaching together 17 years / engaged but have been for around 14 years - life was so busy before. We relocated numerous times for work.

i would love to cut down my work hours to spend more time with my 4 young children. We are spending so much on convience, have poor sleep and diet because there just isn’t enough time. PIL live local and they help with childcare.

Partner got a massive (to us) unexpected inheritance which would’ve harnessed an income of interest (at current rate) more than my salary but instead bought a house for his parents (we still have a mortgage) where they live rent free despite having very good pensions (I used to really get on with them). The whole situation has driven a wedge between me and them. They are really nice people but now I know what my partner prioritises I have given up on our relationship and it is crumbling.

the inheritance is his money, I get it. It just doesn’t sit well with me. I’m beginning to worry about my future if I stay in this situation.

I am not a very successful in terms of my salary. I can just afford to get by if I were to separate.

There is a lot of friction at the moment because I have cut him off the way I can - no effort or time from me. That’s all I have to give and I’m done giving it away.

one of his parents are ill and he thinks I’m unreasonable for not taking days off or switching around my rota to care for them - drive them to appointments as they don’t drive anymore. It is also an issue of childcare - if they are together at appointments and waiting on buses or taxis the other can’t be taking care of the children. I told him to take time off work. He won’t. I already do the majority of childcare And I can’t afford to lose my job or the income.

If you separate from him you will be entitled to child maintenance. You will be better off. Council tax will be less as children are not included. Food bills will be less, water, electric will also be cheaper without him. You might be entitled to childcare. Speak to Womens' Aid, as he is abusive verbally, about all your worries regarding help with expenses.

That's a scary read. So sorry this happened. You need to hold on to that job at all costs because the writing may be on the wall for this relationship. Very carefully start organising and splitting your personal paperwork and the kids certs etc. Just in case. What the hell was going through his head? Does he care about you at all except as an unpaid carer for parents?

I think you need to protect your future.

You need to be financially independent of him.

How you achieve that - the obvious way is to leave him.

Good luck - I think you will need it, but the benefit will far out weigh the risk of staying together.

You said you unexpectedly fell pregnant. With all four children?

Did the marriage discussion never happen?

There is nothing in it for him to marry you - he gets everything he wants without any commitment - sex, children etc

@HazelMember

l always said I wouldn’t be having children until I was married but really only because it was what people did. I grew up in a family with nothing so marriage was never mentioned or a big thing. I got engaged and I was so young - I didn’t really think there was any reason it wouldn’t happen.

my last pregnancy was unplanned - only mentioned as before that we had bought our first home. It then became unpractical with us all and the children and all their things. But it was after this his parents got to pick the house that was perfect for them.