Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a bad person?

55 replies

Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 10:21

I feel like I’m going crazy. My life has slowly turned upside down.

I genuinely thought I was doing what was right for my family.

4 children / unmarried / approaching together 17 years / engaged but have been for around 14 years - life was so busy before. We relocated numerous times for work.

i would love to cut down my work hours to spend more time with my 4 young children. We are spending so much on convience, have poor sleep and diet because there just isn’t enough time. PIL live local and they help with childcare.

Partner got a massive (to us) unexpected inheritance which would’ve harnessed an income of interest (at current rate) more than my salary but instead bought a house for his parents (we still have a mortgage) where they live rent free despite having very good pensions (I used to really get on with them). The whole situation has driven a wedge between me and them. They are really nice people but now I know what my partner prioritises I have given up on our relationship and it is crumbling.

the inheritance is his money, I get it. It just doesn’t sit well with me. I’m beginning to worry about my future if I stay in this situation.

I am not a very successful in terms of my salary. I can just afford to get by if I were to separate.

There is a lot of friction at the moment because I have cut him off the way I can - no effort or time from me. That’s all I have to give and I’m done giving it away.

one of his parents are ill and he thinks I’m unreasonable for not taking days off or switching around my rota to care for them - drive them to appointments as they don’t drive anymore. It is also an issue of childcare - if they are together at appointments and waiting on buses or taxis the other can’t be taking care of the children. I told him to take time off work. He won’t. I already do the majority of childcare And I can’t afford to lose my job or the income.

OP posts:
MynameisJune · 03/02/2026 12:29

If you left would you be entitled to any help from universal credit?

Whose name is the house in? Are you on the mortgage? Who put the deposit down and was there any legal paperwork drawn up when you purchased the house in regards to what would happen if you split up?

Working less would be lovely but you’ve spent 17yrs with a man who doesn’t seem to like you let alone love you so I think for now that ship has sailed and you need to find a way to be secure without him.

Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 12:34

@MynameisJune
my name is on the mortgage of our house thank goodness. Both put in money, him more but no paperwork/agreements.

its so scary, I never thought this would be me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 12:40

@RichardOnslowRoper

I know. I can only look forward now.

It’s not going to end in marriage now, no matter what I do. I could be the perfect person (well it would be an act) but then to him I’m still me and unworthy.

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 03/02/2026 12:44

The comment about being good would piss me off immensely. I think the honest truth is that he doesn’t want to marry you, possibly because he is savvy enough to realise it would be financially detrimental to him.

What do you want? I think for once you need to prioritise yourself and what works for you. Do you honestly see a future together? If not, can you look into what your financial situation would be if you were single and go from there.

Regardless of what you think your future is likely to be, I would start independently saving whatever money you can from now on.

andthat · 03/02/2026 12:53

@Razmataz911 He's literally tied his inheritance up so it can't benefit you or your children.

You're unmarried. Totally vulnerable financially - please tell me you own your home?

edited to say that I see that you do - though the contributions are uneven. He knows that if he married you, it would be 50/50 - this way, he benefits financially.

Doesn't sound like the relationship is great to be honest - are you thinking of leaving?

MynameisJune · 03/02/2026 12:54

Do you both pay into the mortgage and have always done so? Can you prove that you’ve payed into the mortgage? So you paid directly to the mortgage account from your bank/joint account and not into his account that he then paid into the mortgage.

I can see this man turning nasty when you try to leave and trying to make sure you end up with nothing from the house.

canisquaeso · 03/02/2026 12:58

Whatever you decide to do (leaving in the reasonable option after this long), please don’t drive around for them! It will be a thankless job.

I know at least two situations of partners who went above and beyond, one of them particularly as her partner had passed away so she was just being extra supportive of the in laws… she was the only person excluded from the will even though realistically she was the one in greater need.

Like I said, thankless situation. Look after yourself and your children first.

Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 13:01

@MynameisJune all bills from joint account.

@andthat yes, own our home together.

i don’t know why he thinks i would take his money, he didn’t ever have that much himself and we were together so many years. He is a much higher earner than me but was filling up his pension and splashing out on labelled clothes whilst the kids had second hand prams. I’ve never been all about the money.

OP posts:
BauhausOfEliott · 03/02/2026 13:05

OP, this man is not a good man. He’s treating you like shit. He doesn’t love you and you deserve so much better than this. He’s using you as an unpaid housekeeper and personal assistant. He’s abusive.

Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 13:08

@BauhausOfEliott brutal but thank you for replying.

im so conflicted, i feel like i might be the problem. His life is good because he tried and he makes the best of bad situations. I have the life i have because of the choices i made and I’m scared I don’t have anything to look forward to but struggle if I push back against him.

OP posts:
yeriknow · 03/02/2026 13:15

Are there cultural issues at play here?

The buying the house for parents etc suggests to me possibly an Asian family?

Are you from the same culture?

I’m not sure how to resolve it as he doesn’t sound very reasonable (the “be good” comment would really irk me).

Do you want to stay with him?

If not, run some figures through child maintenance calculator, add it to your salary, see if you are eligible for universal credit or anything?

Uhghg · 03/02/2026 13:21

So you want him to have spent the inheritance on buying your home, so that you can work less hours?

Sorry OP but you’re coming across as quite selfish.
You can’t just reduce your hours because you want to be at home more - life doesn’t work like that.

I’m not sure where your PIL we’re living before but it sounds as though they were renting and so it makes sense that he invests the money into buying them somewhere so that he’ll get it back eventually and they’re not spending their pension paying high rent (although he has to be careful about care home fees).

But you admit that it’s driven a wedge between you and the PIL, even though you say how nice they are and they give you free childcare.

Pay for childcare like everyone else does if you’ve got such a problem with them.

CantThinkofaNam · 03/02/2026 13:22

Enrichetta · 03/02/2026 10:45

Where to start… You are a low earner, and yet you chose to fave FOUR children without being married.

Time to put yourself first.

Can you be financially self sufficient - if you work full time and he pays maintenance?

If not, what can you do to get yourself to a place where you are not dependent on him? Seeing that he clearly doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

Whatever you do, stop digging yourself into this hole where you have no agency over your own life.

This. 4 kids, not married and just a whole lot of bad decisions on your part.

Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 13:22

@yeriknow

no cultural issues. Neither of us actually from wealth which is why that was a massive surprise/shock. He has told me that he thinks his family are ‘classier’ than mine so I think subconsciously he thinks I’m not worth anything to him. Well outwardly because he’s said it.

he does like being viewed as the golden boy/child. I think that might have something to do with it. And they honestly worship the ground he walks on!

OP posts:
Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 13:34

@Uhghg

well to be fair I’d rather be there for my own children and could’ve done so for the next four years if you compared my salary to the car he bought himself. They are nice people and they provide childcare but we are at a point where they need structure, homework needs done, they need a set bedtime.

He still wants me to reduce my hours nonetheless… apparently we will find a way to make it work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 13:37

@CantThinkofaNam how would you proceed?

genuinely interested. Right now I’m stuck. I’m turning 40 soon and want to turn things around.

OP posts:
Uhghg · 03/02/2026 13:48

Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 13:34

@Uhghg

well to be fair I’d rather be there for my own children and could’ve done so for the next four years if you compared my salary to the car he bought himself. They are nice people and they provide childcare but we are at a point where they need structure, homework needs done, they need a set bedtime.

He still wants me to reduce my hours nonetheless… apparently we will find a way to make it work.

He wants you to reduce your hours or doesn’t want you to reduce your hours?

Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 13:53

@Enrichetta

i could just scrape by if I get to stay in the home. It would be hard with no frills. No UC probably as I jointly own the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Razmataz911 · 03/02/2026 13:56

@Uhghg he says I can do whatever I want
and he’s happy for me to cut my hours…

but then I’m even more dependent on someone I don’t really feel wants me, just wants me there
but my kids would have a better home life

OP posts:
FairyBatman · 03/02/2026 14:00

You must not reduce your hours and your income further for this clown.

The less income you have the more you will be beholden to him.

You need to start forcing his hand so ‘I will reduce my hours when we are married’

Make sure that all the children’s expenses come from the joint account, and that you are paying in fairly.

Candlestickinthediningroom · 03/02/2026 14:14

Absolutely do not reduce your hours. If anything you need to reduce your hours at home. He has made it clear that you are not financial equals. That's fine. But all home "work" must now be split equally to allow you time and energy to improve your own financial situation. We can't possibly know what his intentions are but a bit of reality testing means that the worst case scenario is that you spend your best earning years doing all of the physical and emotional labour for his children AND his parents and then he gets to walk away with all of his assets, the adulation of his parents and kids and you walk away with a worse salary, a poorer pension and half the equity of a small, inadequate home.

You CAN NOT rely on him for anything. You will need to remove yourself from all caring duties for his parents, half of the things you do around the house and focus entirely on finding a way to pay off any debt and save and maximise your earnings potential.

Uhghg · 03/02/2026 15:06

Why not leave so that the house will be sold and then at least you’ll have your part of it?

Enrichetta · 03/02/2026 15:59

Here you are, bringing up 4 children without any security other than your share in the house you live in. You have jeopardised your career, your earnings capacity, your career progression, your pension…… all for the sake of a man who has other priorities and doesn’t even want to marry you.

And yet, you are asking whether you are ‘a bad person’ (whatever that is?!) because you want to hang on to the tiny bit of independence you have retained. Can you not see that this is all kinds of wrong?

Please, please put your own interests ahead of all the shit he wants you to do. You are nearly 40 - where do you think you will be in 20-30 years time? What can you do to make sure you regain some of the ground you have lost?

Who will take care of you in your old age? It’s unlikely to be him, is it…

Proccy · 03/02/2026 16:40

You said can just about cope on your salary if you leave him. There's your answer, go as soon as you can arrange it

TessSaysYes · 03/02/2026 16:52

Putting you and his family second is not right. Especially as his parents have good pensions as you say.

I think your relationship may be in serious jeopardy, unless he can switch some brain cells on.

Sorry for the question, but is there a cultural side to this, where you as the mother of the children don't command very much esteem? I can think of some non European/British cultures where this is often the case...if I'm totally wrong apologies.