To feel annoyed / upset about this?

[Honeysucklelane]

My mum and sister went out for lunch today to try a restraurant about 20 minutes away from where I live. I don’t work Mondays so I’m free all day. Just before lunch I got told they were going out for lunch and a walk, and invited to meet them for a coffee ‘later on.’

I decided not to meet them for coffee, rather than drive a 40 minute round trip just for a coffee with them when they would have already been out for a big lunch.

After lunch I got messaged saying how amazing it was, so I said I would have loved to try it. I feel a bit childish and irrational to be feeling hurt that I wasn’t invited and I was only ‘good enough’ to come along for coffee as an afterthought.

My mum doesn’t treat us (or our other sister) equally and there’s a history of her frequently staying at my sisters and not even seeing me even though it’s not far - and yes I can go over there, but she’s usually so busy doing housework / gardening for my sister it’s pointless me being there.

I think I’d ask what the occasion was and why couldn’t I have gone. I know you know the answer but why not spell it out for them as they are hurtful.

I'd honestly just invite myself, " sure I'll just join you for lunch? What time? Lovely, will see you there..."

Does your sister need more help then you? Disability, single mum, money issues, general struggles with life. Id actually take it as a compliment that you're a capable adult. Its not normal that your mum has to do your sisters housework and gardening.

No special occasion, just my mum is staying at my sisters and they’re going away tomorrow together for a couple of nights. Sounds silly but if they’d just gone for lunch without telling me and without inviting me for coffee I wouldn’t be bothered.

I’d be upset too and ask why couldn’t I come for lunch as well?

Ironically no, she’s just got a bigger house / garden. Has less kids, has a cleaner and has had an ironing lady in the past.

I wish it didn’t bother me, but it’s another thing in a history of similar incidents. Feels like rubbing my nose in it telling me before then how amazing it was after.

Wish I had the confidence to be this assertive with people.

Maybe treat yourself on Mother's Day? You are more value than them nasty pair imo.

Does she like boasting to people she has stayed at her dd's.. You Know the One With Space For A Pony - Hyacinth Bouquet style...

I can understand with friends at you being upset and that you don’t want to invite yourself where you think maybe you’re not wanted….but I think if I had any family member that text me that, I’d probably just say well can I come to lunch too 😆😆. I agree it’s insensitive, I would never ask one of my adult kids without the other one but equally maybe in the future if you want to go, just ask

Make it awkward for them - “how come I’m not invited for lunch?”

Don’t waste time on people that treat you badly! I would disengage and be very grey rock with them. So my response would have been a thumbs up or something like sounds nice and don’t continue the conversation. You can’t change people but you can distance yourself so they have less opportunities to hurt you. Spend time with the people that love you and treat you like they do! I am sorry your mother sucks I would never want my girls to feel like I had a favourite although as mine are young they frequently tell me I have when I have to tell one of them off! Sending you virtual hugs

I’m not sure if she shows off to her friends. The pattern is, she stays there, does a shed load of work because they ‘live in utter chaos’ and she can’t stand it, then rings me up afterwards and tells me what a mess it is and how disorganised they are and how they need to do x,y,z to their house to make it ‘run’ better.

Thank you. I did say have a nice lunch, but when I got a message saying where they’d been and how amazing it was, I lost my grey rock and say I would have liked to try it and maybe I’ll get invited next time. Now I’m the bad guy because I’ve spoken up. 😏

That sounds a bit like your mother enjoys feeling that your sister is dependent on her. Whereas you don't need her to sort out your life or house? Not saying it's nice to leave you out but you are seen as more capable.

She loves organising etc, but then bitches to me about it afterwards which isn’t fair.

I am more capable of keeping my house and garden tidy as it’s much smaller and my DH is quite tidy too. That’s not to say I don’t deserve or need help occasionally too, or just to be popped in on for a cuppa when she’s going over there to spend days there. Or included in lunch plans… It’s a very odd dynamic and has been for years, and if I think I’ve got it tough, it’s far worse for my other sister who is even more side lined.

Why are you the bad guy? Presumably they are trying to turn their rudeness and exclusionary behaviour back on you. Don't let that happen.

It's easy to tell you to challenge but when you do the above happens, they deflect back to you.
You should slowly withdraw and let them off. When your mother starts being critical of your sister just tell her you don't want to hear. Start being less available. Concentrate on your own family unit. Presume you have a supportive partner.

its tough with mum's like this op

That's tough

What is your MIL like and does she live near you ? If so perhaps go out with her on a Monday

I put up with a lot of things and don’t say anything, but eventually I’ll have had enough and get upset over something like today. I’m not great at articulating when / why I’m upset and people aren’t used to me standing up for myself. So when I do try and say anything, they don’t like it.

She’s ok, but doesn’t live nearby. If she was going out for lunch with my DH’s sibling nearby, she would include us too.

What was their response to your text?

Do they ever invite you to things and you turn them down and do you invite them to do activities with you.
Asking you to join them for coffee is weird I think.
I don’t get why you didn’t just say can you change the booking to three as I fancy the lunch.

They were using vouchers and couldn’t pay for me too….and they were offering to buy me coffee. (I was asked if I wanted to meet them later for coffee, there was never any mention of buying me said coffee.)

I could have paid for my own lunch. I didn’t expect to be brought coffee. Feels like a guilty consolation coffee invite.